Retrospect

Dash was right about a great many things over the course of our not quite 8 years and yet missed the boat as often as he was right. I’ve come to accept that it wasn’t really either of our faults. Not his fault because his heart wanted what his heart wanted and to his credit he tried albeit in vain to give me what I thought I wanted – but you know that old adage be careful what you wish for; well it’s true.

So if you take something away from this here’s what it means to me: Those little annoyingly endearing qualities that we all find in the person we love shouldn’t be locked down because we don’t like them, but silently endured with a quite smile and the knowledge that the underlying reason for anothers actions whether we like the action or not for whatever reason is really quite sweet.

As an example I’ll tell you both sides of 1 stupidly simple gentleness I ruined, at the beginning what it meant to me and again at the end.

He liked to open my door for me.

In the beginning I hemmed and hawed and sighed through it because it made me feel like a spoiled, pampered woman. Now mind you the woman’s equality thing is not the soap box upon which I then (nor is it now) stood but more of the Miss Independent – “ I don’t need a man to do things for me” viewpoint. I then proceeded after a few months of this to tell him I didn’t like it whereupon he did the honorable thing and stopped. Many (for the most part) happy years down the road when I was counting (mostly) only my losses it was among the things listed as “he never does this anymore” and I knew then that it was my fault alone because I’d asked him to stop and he’d obliged, I wonder now how much it cost him to stop and for everyone of those little niceties how many pieces of his heart died trying to please me.

For my part in all this it wasn’t my fault either because I didn’t really know what I needed and this leads me to the top 3 things I thought I loved about Dash.

1. He accepted me for who I am and allowed me the room to be me and grow beneath the sunshine of acceptance.

That would be fairytale #1. Maybe we both knew it from jump street maybe we didn’t. Neither of us did this for the other. He always had a problem with my weight and it created one of my major issues with him – our lack of sex life. He wanted a centerfold, I wanted a porn star.

2. He was patient and supportive.

Patient as a Saint I tell you and not his fault that I felt the need to push it to its limits because I wanted to see if I could break him – mission accomplished. Supportive maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t but if he was it was a quietly reserved thing I wish he had done more vocally like a cheering squad and I only have myself to blame for needing his approval, my own opinion of myself should have been enough. I tried to push him toward his dreams as well but I never had much patience.

3. This is actually more about me – I loved him before I ever saw a picture of him – for his mind and soul.

It would seem every time I move on from a relationship I spend a goodly deal of my time looking back on it and wondering if I ever really loved him or vice-versa. I have known since I was 16 that I have a tendency to love the mere idea of being in love, and creating castles on clouds convincing myself of magic fairytales. Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t but when the shock wore off I found myself lovingly putting away the good memories unable to erase those from reality as I am so want to do.

I really wish I could hate him but I simply can’t because the fact of the matter is I didn’t know what I needed and so therefore how in the universe could he have given it to me.

The list of what I needed is simplistic and without the experience that was Dash I would have never seen the forest for the tress because I know damn well in my pain I sought beyond my walls for a truth I had been too afraid to see before. Every single experience brings me closer to that enlightenment I seek and that truth is the answer to one simple question “What is love?”

Turns out for this moment in time (I have a smug smile on my face but I can’t tell you why yet we haven’t made it that far into the present here in the past of 20/20 hindsight) I need 3 little things:

1. Acceptance

2. Understanding

And much to my surprise . . .

3. Freedom

. . . perhaps a little more truth than I can handle and a mirror that calls me on my bullshit. So here’s to the end of a fairytale and the beginning of a spiritual journey on another plane of existence.

Next

Dash broke up with me on the 19th. I'm not ready to talk about it yet because I'm not sure how I feel. It's alot of maybes and if onlys right now and looking back at what now seems obvious.

Don't worry about me the first day was the hardest, by the second day the tears were about loneliness not him. I'm sort of surprised by the speed of my recovery.

Anyway another day when I am certain of how I feel, might be a month from now it might be 6 who knows.

Conquering Worry

I've been reading a lot of self help books lately trying to find something, anything to help what seemed an insurmountable task. I mean once you allow your self-esteem and sense of security to slip - either by your own doing or that of anothers actions - it felt near to impossible to get away from that wrong thinking and back to reality.

Doubt is like weeds, once in your system it plants roots and gets tangled into everything. If you've ever tried to rid your lawn of dandelions you know exactly what I mean.

Even knowing that I was the one convincing myself that he couldn't possibly love me anymore and why, that I was trying to control a future outcome that most certainly was not in his character, I just couldn't pull my head out of my own ass.

I tried everything, counting my good points and cursing him if he couldn't see them. Trying to change to be what I THOUGHT he wanted. Anger. Yelling. Crying and even not talking or trying my damnest to think nothing at all, all to no avail.

Then it hit me. IF any of the things I am so worried about ever actually happen, then he is not the man of my dreams because he won't be anything I believed him to be. Fact of the matter is IF he ever did those things I would be better off with someone else because they matter that much to me. I will not settle for less or short change myself from having the love I deserve.

I wrote up a list of the qualities of that dream man and surprisingly I discovered 2 things - first none of my criteria have anything to do with one's outward appearance and second the things Dash failed to meet have only been recently and have been as a direct result of my own behavior.

I am a better person than I have been acting like and it's time for me to stop carrying on as spoiled 2 year old who isn't getting her way. This will take care of itself - if only through kismet. I believe in karma and I don't need to look for his mistakes, they will reveal themselves and time will tell on him IF need be.

Worst case scenario he's a loathsome dog with no morals, character or integrity and that would make me a nobler creature. So my values and the fact that I am of high caliber fire power would and do mean the world to me.

It is only that which I am capable of accomplishing that matters in the end.

Hemingway Post

I didn't even give him the chance to make me wrong.

I'm tired of giving him opportunities.

I'm tired of waiting for the inevitable disappointment.

It shouldn't be like this. No matter what rationalities he tells himself make this okay, right or justified.

I asked for the one thing he COULDN'T give and it's killing me that he can't/won't.

It's really the only thing I CAN'T live with.

I CAN get past the lies, the hot chatting, his need to be friends with single females or women who find him attractive I can't live with asexuality.

"Write drunk, edit sober." ~Hemingway (courtesy of Roxane on Twitter)

EDIT: This post was made while drunk and is a pure emotionally driven reaction to an imagined slight that only occurred in my mind. What I did the following morning was more proactive. Which was to express what I valued and why, followed by a small discussion about insecurities created by rejection. There was no crying, no yelling, no nagging. Dash even commented that the way I am handling and responding to things lately has much improved and was making me more attractive to him.

The results of my ability to manage myself lately are clearly apparent when he seeks me out now to kiss me and thank me or say he loves me first. It needs noted that this management is not superficial on my part - it does take effort (sometimes ALOT) but Dash actually told me about a couple of things he might previously have withheld and I didn't lose my cool or even set my stomach to roiling (okay one took 8 minutes and a smoke to master). It takes time but I'm going to see these as successes because they really are.

Pain Remembered

Every time Dash has left the house since telling me he is to be sworn in I panic. My insides fill with anxiety like ants on a trash heap, swarming, squirming - busy, busy, busy making mountains out of mole hills.

My brain goes into overdrive on a seek and destroy mission, looking for that piece of intel that will seal the doom that he is leaving me not for the Army but our relationship. It would seem that every detail missed is a negative I count to back-up one more reason to distance myself.

If I can't find something to be angry about I find a way to feel nothing. It has felt that even he is doing the same to me, a defensive mechanism I thought unitl . . .

He just came into this room with his daughter Mishka, who for the last 6 years has only gotten to see her dad every other weekend for not quite 48 hours each visit. He came in here to show her that every single scrap of art or memento she has given him is kept. I suddenly felt very stupid. Very selfish.

Very stupid because in an instant what he was really feeling washed over me, (maybe I imagined it - maybe he couldn't hold that door closed because the emotion inside is to big - it really matters not if our connection has been so raw of late that neither of us can feel the other like we used to and I thought it was open enough to get this right) an emotion I knew all to well 8 years ago every single day for 3 years after my son AJ went to live with his dad.

Pain. While you are present with that perfect piece of you, who adores you as only a child can - you know as fantastic as these precious moments are that they need must end, you will have to give them back and you can't help feeling like your organs are slowly being ripped out through your nose.

You bear this with a wistful smile as they look upon you with joy because as sad as you feel you won't ruin it for them, not this minute, not this hour, not this day - not EVER! We do what we must to cherish and build these memories knowing they will give both joy and immense pain later because we wouldn't trade an ocean of tears to not have those experiences with you.

It isn't me he is blocking out, he isn't running away from me or leaving me. He is building damns to hold back the flood gates of the next 30 - 90 day period where he may or may not be able to see her. This isn't about me.

. . . and guilty because I am being (all be it MOSTLY silently inside my head) selfish by counting trivialities and drawing conspiracies in my own mind. None of which matter in comparison to that pain. I remember it like a cloak of death as Ron Weasley would say "like I'd never be cheerful again".

I'm so sorry I didn't see it before and so relieved I saw it before I said or did something stupid.

Miracle of Snow

I asked for a miracle you gave me snow. Snow because it reminds me of my favorite time of year - Christmas. Christmas because it is the one time of year I am free to give to the depths that my soul longs for daily and no one seems to mind. I give freely with no regard for return, for the sheer joy of the smiles it creates.

You want me to remember the best thing about me is that I give freely of myself and that is when I am most fulfilled.

I have also noticed an influx of mild and manageable chaos at work. Lexar, accidentally thinking someone else is opening and the 2 of us buckling down and getting that 45 minute job done in 15 minutes flat. Essi calling in because she sprained her ankle causing me to open and close the store with a 5.5 hour break in the middle. I felt peaceful and centered.

Chaos is what I know. Chaos is what I am good at. I did not ruffle but experienced a calm serenity. I was made for pressure situations and bear up well under the necessity to tighten down the ship.

This is who I am and silly as it may sound I forgot that. Thank you for answering the plea and allowing me to see my strengths once more.

Idears (Thats IDEAS with an accent)

This - - > Taking out he Trash < - - is a great idea!

I spent the morning organizing photos from 2003 - 2005 and it is undeniable the love we share. I may have lost sight of it for a while and I may have damaged it, but this kind of love isn't the kind of thing that EVER goes away - I'm so sorry I forgot!

Also good golly, but I can see how Dash said what he said about my weight being an issue. Looking at those pictures of me then and knowing how I look now I went "Gross". I have every intention of getting an after picture and photoshopping those two pics together and posting them for no other reason then I NEED to see this kind of thing to keep me motivated.

Thems the spurs that will get me to do the unbelievable, once he goes to basic I am clamping down and going to attempt to lose 15 lbs. in 30 days. That goal might be a tad unrealistic but it's what I'd really like to accomplish before he sees me again.

Sense of Home

Saturday the 1st Dash called from his bi-monthly weekend visit north to tell me the Army has called and he is to be sworn in on the 19th followed by a departure date of the 24th.

There are alot of emotions here, they have no cohesion so I'm not at all certain how to organize them. I am elated that he will finally be doing something he really wants to do. The potential for promotion, recognition and pay raises is going to be better. Better pay means that we can finally address some of our financial issues and start replacing old worn out things around the house. The time and space between us will create a fondness and more for us to talk about instead of the complacency which we seem to have settled into.

Unfortunately the negative was all I could see on Sunday the 2nd. I was worried about the fact that Dash has decided to give only 1 week notice (his last day is tomorrow) and this messes with the budget. Further still he will be picking up Mishka for a week long visit for the two of them to do some things together here in Toronto (which is something they have never really got to do before - this is AMAZING) but poorly timed budget wise. The timing of his departure causes logistical problems for the June banking stuff so I have to postpone my Reunion trip (not so bad as I've decided to go for the fourth of July don't get to do that very often and I am American).

I can see the positives now but on Sunday I was crying into my Rum. Sort of lost it, I don't want to lose him, either to time, space or the ever present death (which I know when it happens no matter where it happens I can not stop it or control it - but HELLO widow here). Then I spent Monday and Tuesday stressing because I had tried to tell my concerns to Dash who simply smiled and said "RELAX". He is relieved and I understand he has been under work related stress for a little more than 2 years, it must really be liberating. I truly am happy for him.

And then there are the things I haven't said - I love my store and my co-workers (most of them) they have become like a family to me (even when we don't get along or like each other it's just as dysfunctional), they have been with me through so much more than any place I've ever been whenever I think of transferring to another store or getting another job elsewhere I just break down and cry. I will miss them all SO SO much! We have history and when I look back across it, mostly it's filled with laughter and joy and each individual with their unique characteristics pulls at every single heart string.

Besides moving the Bug right before she enters her 1st year of high school. I remember what it was like for me as a Navy brat to move every 6 months and I always said when she hit high school wherever we were we would not move until she graduated (yeah well - best laid plans and all that silliness).

I know what Dash would say if I told him about the last 2 - "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it" (not before) and I know he's right but it makes me slightly nervous.

I'm also not looking forward to the long lonely nights with no one to hold me. I had a weird dream about 2 bothers last night - 1 very charismatic , attention whore, beautiful beyond words and the other quiet, talented and in his shadow. In the dream I choose the shy one to love and the other berates and belittles me for ignoring him. I don't even let this phase me and come to find that the shy one can touch places in my soul never moved so delicately before. I find peace even while the other tries desperately to make me feel small.

I've come to the conclusion in a weird twisted way that I am accepting what may come with contentment and no screaming me-me of an inner child is going to be allowed to make me feel small or insecure. I awoke with a silence of heart I haven't had in a very long time. Maybe it's because this journey although traveled before is familiar to me and therefore comforting - almost like going home. Even if home was never a very nice place, it's still something I understand.

Of course last nights work events may have had a part to play in it. Two of the family were dismissed and it hurt to know they were leaving, especially in this economy. All I could think was all my little musings about what was going on with Dash and I were insignificant, I mean we are moving into a better situation and 2 of my co-workers were losing their jobs. Simply put it really could be worse and my troubles (all emotional overreactions) mattered not next to what their change brought them.

So here's to embracing the change instead of fighting the inevitable!

Merry-Go-Round isn't so Merry

I have been angry since Monday over something stupid.

Dash posted his good fortune on Facebook before he told me about it and in the comments his sister thanks him for the phone call (not sure if this is sarcastic or not or even when he placed that call if he did at all) and I'm hurt that I wasn't the first person he told.

I understand he was excited and wanted to share and there really is no good reason to be angry about it but I am.

This new tactic that I am trying which is working for the most part is once I become aware of an extreme emotional response in me is to turn the spotlight inwards and examine why I feel that way. I am to look at it logically from my perspective and then try to understand his point of view - empathize with why he did it and try to decide if it is worth bringing up or if it's just garbage. Once I come to a logical conclusion I am to sleep on it for 2 days and if it still bothers me only then do I think I should address it with Dash.

So far this has stopped 6 fights over the last 2 weeks. I have done it to this situation and decided it isn't worth fighting about but I'm still upset. So I am going to break it down in words and see if I can stop the merry-go-round of insanity on this one as well.

Why does it bother me?

Because I want to feel special, important and second only to the children in our relationship.

Evidence to support I'm not important or special -

He told everyone else before he told me. He waited 45 full minutes to tell me instead of picking up the phone to tell me.

Evidence to support that I am important and special -

I am special to Dash because he has compromised long standing beliefs to continue to be with me. His continued presence in the light of my moodiness is proof positive he loves me.

Why do I think he might have done it this way?

He was excited, he has been waiting a long time and he preferred to share this news with me in person so I would have the benefit of his joy with hugs, smiles, and kisses. It is also possible he thought I would see it before if not at the same time as everyone else.

Logically, this is sound and should be enough to end my roller coaster so why then am I still angry and hurt? Why do I feel the need to be angry at him for something all the time?

Because some part of me is measuring me against him - he is better at games on Facebook, he is more mature in our relationship than I am, he is better at not letting his emotions rule him than I am, and he is smarter than me.

Once the problem is identified what steps should I take to correct the issue?

Realize that I am special, important and that I should not measure myself against anyone but me. Be the best I can at what I do and who I am and that should be good enough because we all have our own strengths. Have a positive outlook.

What real harm is in allowing it?

It does no real damage either to me or our relationship that he told others before he told me. It is not his fault that I was busy with my own pursuits that day and not following his every move.

What good can I see in this instance?

The fact that I was otherwise engaged means I am making progress at not stifling, smothering or obsessing over his every thought and action. I am reclaiming my independence and walking away from the co-dependance.

*Now there is a thought I had not had. A constructive one at that. I do seem to have been kicking myself for lots of "little" things this week.*

So I guess I should also measure my days in it's successes and joys and not the "little" insignificant bug that should be swatted but good.

I feel better!

The Why . . .

On Monday Dash came home practically bursting at the seems, the recruiting office had called to tell him he was scheduled for basic on September 13th but wondered if he would be interested in deploying for May 24th should a position become available.

At first I was elated - his dream finally coming true - the much anticipated alone time I thought I needed to screw my head on right - better possibilites for his happiness - advancement and pay raises. Maybe the change for the better for both of us.

And then I began to see all the things we would miss doing together - my family reunion - his birthday - Father's day - Bug's birthday - his visits with Mishka - and the fact of the matter is our relationship is just starting to mend. Because of this latter the bond is not quiet as strong as I'd like as I am still having bouts of loneliness.

Now I realize most of these things are petty next to the fulfillment of his dreams and future happiness but I spent the remainder of the night fighting back tears.

Yes - tears. For one simple thought plagued me, I knew I would lose him one way or the other. When I looked back on it, I thought a different mitigating circumstance had created my insecurities but it would appear my worries began the moment he started the paperwork.

It was actually early June when I began the wishy washy indecisive thoughts and that's when he started down the path of this new journey, dragging me all be it unknown to both of us screaming after him.

Irrational or not I have lost a husband already to the military of which I have never quite dealt with. Oh I buried it deep and ignored it for as long as I could as often as I could but my subconscious has had that thought the whole blasted time. I will lose him one way or another.

Life is impermanence, I know this. The only constant is change, I know this. Despite what I know it is the evil I try and fail to fight. You can't stop either time or change and yet I waste my time worrying about doing just that.

The fear is I will lose months of time over the course of a year, he will be shipped away to war, he will die in war. I am already having a difficult time dealing with the space between us, how am I going to handle months maybe even years apart.

It really reads insignificant when typed like this and yet I am filled with anxiety. In order to find true peace I have potentially less than a month to learn to let go. At least I finally know why I had been looking for a reason to break up with him. Fear that I would lose him and be hurt so badly this time I never am able to love again.

Oh sure I know there are varied and different kinds of love and should my fears make it to fruition that I would eventually meet someone else but I have never loved nor been loved the way Dash and I have loved each other. I don't want to lose this, I don't want to survive it.

And then I asked myself the question - if I had known how it all would end would I have chosen to miss all our experiences to save me from this pain - and the answer is still, NO.

So I'm scared but I've decided I will learn to find a way to deal because I simply can't know how it will or won't be and that I will give it a chance to be what it's going to be, who knows perhaps it will all turn out to be bliss and happiness.

All things eventually end but I'll be better for having him and this love in my life and living each moment counting the joys along the way. I wouldn't trade all that we've had and all that we've shared for safe risk free living because that's not really living - it's the risk that makes us appreciate the best things that happen to us and I'm determined to have the laughter and the tears in equal blessed parts.

30 Seconds to Mars

When I heard the boys were coming to town I emphatically knew I must go to this concert. Usually concerts are not one of the things on my priority list of things to do. I can download/buy anything I want to listen to and often do, as music is a huge part of my life. Besides I get very tired of listening to the same old songs played over and over and over again on the radio so ~ I need must make ~ my own mixes to fit whatever is happening in my life. Most times without meaning to the songs are prophetic, eye opening discussions with my subconscious mind and my waking reality.

But I digress, knowing that most people don't even know who 30 Seconds to Mars are I beseeched Lexar to accompany me, she said she would look into her finances and get back to me. 10 Short days before the concert I still had not heard from her and so decided I would solo the event. This created a mild feeling of unrest in me but I refused to miss it as it has been 4 long years since the boys have graced Toronto with their presence and who knows if or when they will ever come again.

When I told Dash about the venue and that I would be going alone I fully expected some sort of "cry my leave" from him as it was at the Sound Academy on the Harbor front. All he said was that he knew the area and it was fine.

So I show up dressed to the nines in a brand new exquisitely cut frock, still feeling a might like a loser for having no one to go with me but lo and behold the boys are so loved by their fans the "Echelon" that there were several of us loners awaiting excitedly in line. One such girl Raine and I decided to buddy up and watch each others back.

Once inside it became all to apparent that this was no normal concert. The stage was a mere 5 feet from the dance floor upon which we all were placed (no seating here). So Raine and I decided to go for center/center as those before us had already gotten to the front. We talked strategy for the ensuing crowd to get front row and about our individual love for the band members and or movies.

Let me be clear I have only ever been to a select few concerts - Metallica & Guns n' Roses, Ozzy Osbourne & Alice in Chains (all at the Mile high Stadium MHS in Denver, Colorado) 311, Everything, and Rage against the Machine (at the NSect Club NSC- a bar I worked at in my 20's). MHS as you may or may not know has seating and the those so far back in order to see anything you had to watch those humongous monitors mounted everywhere and the NSC was a dive bar peppered with Military and Skin heads alike, but as an employee had never been down in it.

So as I turned to Raine and suggested we "get in it" I had no real concept of what that would mean. She tried to her credit to tell me "we'll be pushed if we're in the middle" and I anticipated that but not the actual scope to which this would eventually lead. So "in it" I did get. I started about 6 bodies back, when the boys came on Jared's immediate request was for everyone in the back to take 3 "huge" steps forward and then it was on. We were pressed so tightly together it was much like sardines in a tin can, I wish I could say it was without the smelly sauce but that was to come soon enough. For every single person began to sweat buckets.

Over the course of the set Jared continued to request this over and over again. I'd guess about 1/3 of the way in I was front row center. AMAZING! The pit of that travel commenced to become like a surging tide, that actually ebbed and flowed in circle then from left to right at moments it was not even necessary for me to expend any energy to stand or jump as the flotsam of bodies made it impossible to do anything other than those around you.

Crowd surfers were moved over the top of my head and passed to security to be processed back into the tide from the rear. Periodically Jared would toss open water bottles into the swarm to cool us off. It was glorious. The barricade was pressed tightly to my bosom, hands pumping to the tuneage, bodies pressing in on me sometimes requiring me to duck and cover my head or simply press my arms tight to my body in order to create room to breath.

It wasn't until the encore that I finally relented my position, Jared had invited about 30 of his closest nutcases out of the crowd and on stage with the band, I of course front row center was their ladder. At one point head ducked into the chest of the massive security guard hands holding onto my long free flowing hair to keep it from being pulled heard a crack and immediately began to think I might die, these idiots were so enthralled that in their eagerness to be near the object of their obsession were going to break my neck and all I could think was, "ain't this great".

I finally requested security to remove me from the mob. Once they did I realized my make-up had melted off and that I was soaked right through to the bone. Lovely really. I've never enjoyed anything more and been happy to look like I'd been dragged straight out of the nearest gutter, brand new shirt ruined and all. I know it's gross but I still haven't washed it, it sort of feels like a medal to me, it says "I survived the crush of the Echelon". And I'm proud beyond measure of that.

After wards the band signed autographs for the masses, me among them. I now am the owner of a signed copy of "A Beutiful Lie". I almost didn't bother but I thought this was my one shot to possess and prove I was there I met them and it's priceless. When I approached Shannon I couldn't speak he is so much more stunning in person than pictures can do him justice to Jared I said,"This was the most fantastic thing I have ever been apart of." He smiled and replied,"Thank you, and thanks so much for coming out." It was evident tired as they were that this was a genuine feeling from them. I am enamored with how they incorporate their fans into their lives.

It was an experience I shall treasure but one I shall not repeat, at least not "in it". I'm still sore! Here are my favorite photos from the night - mind you my Blackberry takes crap pictures and you try getting anything good with no flash in a mosh pit:

Me Front Row Center

Taken by Jared himself and posted to Twitter during the concert. I just had to have it and as you can see edit it for posterity with Photoshop so you can see me!!!

Jared's pomegranate mohawk, I actually like it.

This picture is in no way edited but I think it accurately captures the spirit of the night - erratic energy.

Silence Isn't Golden

While I have been awful this last year and my actions have created hard feelings for Dash, I know that I have a lot to make up for and even more to prove and because of all this I have not fostered a want in him to be close, it is none the less hard for me.

I am also aware for the majority of my life I have placed to much importance on sex as a conduit to express love. This truth however does not negate the fact that as a human being a physical connection by means of affection is necessary to exist and grow.

This in no way is me discounting that with which I am blessed - namely his continued presence through the tumult, asking about my day and my preferences as to what I'd like to watch on TV, kisses when he gets home and before he goes to bed at night. His appreciation for the meals I prepare and helping move the cars around when all he wants to do is nap.

I know it will take time and vigilance - work on both our parts in order to grow close once more but I can't keep from hurting and feeling isolated because those are the seeds I sowed and the crop I shall have to reap.

My silence these days is mostly just me trying to gain insights into my own feelings. I have decided examining these for 2 days before speaking is a good - also imperative - practice for me in order to sort and understand the rubbish within. I am not angry only keenly aware that I wish to do neither of us further harm with rash words or actions.

I'd like to be able to say these things to him but we've talked all this through before and I know why it is the way it is and that only time and persistence will mend it. The real problem is I'm to worried about doing the wrong thing and making it worse or causing him to feel smothered instead of just being me and doing what I would like to - which is hug him, kiss him, laugh with him and most of all to feel as though those are things he wants me to do.

Try Success

Over the last year there has been a world of emotional shit that I have refused to deal with in here and perhaps internally as well. I now find it necessary to re-evaluate myself. This is an imperative step in my growth as a person. Before I told myself I was not recording these things because I simply could not go through with the character assassination - either Dash's or mine, but I need to be honest with myself, figure out where all of this has come from and deal with it or I stand to lose not only the love of my life but any possibility for future happiness, be it with Dash or not.

Step #1 start with myself, because I believe we create our own suffering in the pursuit of our desires and wants.

By July 2009 my medical situation created within me certain questions I had not asked of our entire 7 year relationship. Because the doctor was worried I might rupture something, because the pain and gross side effects of sexual intercourse were thus I began to wonder why Dash would stay with or be faithful to a woman he could not be intimate with.

Problem #1 is feelings of inadequacy - I had never experienced low self-esteem before.
His answer of course was because he loved me. I could not believe that love alone was enough.

Why?

The conclusion I have come to is more Freudian than I am really comfortable with but I traced the line back through all my relationships with men and it unfortunately begins with my father. As a child there was no one I admired more. I did everything he asked of me, I followed him everywhere, and watched all that he did.

As I grew into a a teenager there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be proud of me but he wanted me to be things I was not such as athletic and social. I however loved books and boys.

The fact that he wasn't really present half the time because of the Navy didn't help either. This is where I believe my want of things I can not have stems from.

As a family we were never really all that affectionate or expressive in our feelings. Of course as a teen I sought that which I lacked in all the wrong places, love could only ever be expressed physically, and I sought solace in the beds of many. For brief moments in time it was the only thing that made me feel wanted and therefore still resonates with me the same way.

Growing into an adult left me with these incorrect and devastating assumptions. I find myself repeating the patterns with Dash. I want nothing more than for Dash to love me, be proud of me and accept me for who I am.

For 7 years I believed he did and it was about this time that he revealed to me that he had always had an issue with my appearance - my weight he said had always been a problem, that guys are physically driven towards attraction - and that he had tried to subtly steer me towards the gym because he wished that I was as beautiful on the outside as I was on the inside, he wanted everyone to see in me what he saw. He also stated that it depressed him no end that his girlfriend did not care how she looked.

This was devastating to me along with the feelings of failure I associated with the duties of a girlfriend (sex). I had always believed that he thought I was beautiful and that he accepted me as I was and gave me the room to be me. I asked how he could possibly love me since I believe that in order to love someone you must accept all that they are as they are - you don't have to like everything they do or say but respect them as is - not try to change them or mold them into what you want them to be. Shallow or not he said he just wanted to help me be the best me I could be.

From this point I began to doubt everything. It made for an extremely volatile emotional state. Between dealing with the physical pain of my medical state and the ardent ambiguity it was difficult for either Dash or the Ladybug to correctly guess what I would explode over, forcing Dash to start keeping things from me in order to avoid conflict. I understand the inclination but it forced me into a situation were I felt abandoned. The more alone I felt the more I raged, the more I raged the further he withdrew.

Problem #2 Secret and lies.

In August Dash and I both blundered into some trust issues. He had an explicit conversation with another female which I stumbled upon not accidentally. I expressed my displeasure, he acquiesced to my wishes not to continue such habits and we decided to try to move forward. Stated thusly I am all to aware that I am minimizing it's complete destruction of my certainty not in his ability to be faithful but in my acceptance that his capacity to love me would hold true. I did not trust him with my heart, I did not trust him to love me. I was certain he would hurt me and I began to search for reasons to be rid of him before he could do so.

I found fault at every opportunity and invented logical reasons for why or how my theories could be correct. From supposition to outright lies that I told myself only served to push him further away and forced him much later to lie directly to my face because nothing he said or did would compensate for my mentality. I adamantly refused to believe anything he told me, so truth or lies I was unbearable.

Why is trust so important?

For Dash it's about his pride. He has ever been an honorable, steadfast companion. He is duty bound to his word and nothing is of more significance than his integrity. I had audaciouly brought that into question and injured him possibly beyond repair.

He NEEDS me to be able to depend on the strength of his character and give him the benefit of the doubt. Complete faith in another human being is at best as mythical to me as unicorns. Trust is the foundation that the seed of our relationship needs to blossom into love once more.

He has never given me reason to doubt, not really. Poor choices and minor mistakes, sure. But failure - not once. The truth is I have held the whole world at arms length from fear. For every embrace offered me a slap in the face was granted the child of kindness. Fear that I might truly care for someone and that I would be rewarded for that blindness with pain, a pain I believed I could not suffer and live. Yet live I do not, for life is love and pain, taking the risk and losing and being better for the experience. I can only be enriched by those who cross in and out of my life like ships in the night passing through the turbulence into the arms of the moonlit sea.

Problem # 3 Let it be what it is . . . you can't fight the truth.

And then Sunday the 11th I did the unspeakable, for no good reason I kicked him out of our bed and our home in the middle of the night. Over the last year I have desperately tried to do everything in my power right down to the despicable to set him free of the horror that is me. I have been childish, unfair and wrong at every turn and still he comes back to me time and again, I don't deserve him and yet he has granted me this ONE LAST CHANCE to just allow him to love me and I'm afraid I'm going to fail but I am going to TRY!

So I shall measure my days by my successes not my failures. For success is the journey of joy not a destination of circumspect wallowing.

Overview

I spent the majority of last year in emotional hell brought on by medical trauma. Woman's dirty little secret of the girly bits actually centers around the feelings of inadaqucy and for me especially brought to the forefront nothing I had ever expeienced before - self doubt.

I actually didn't recognize myself. The things I thought, how I felt or my reactions to any given thing. A year later I am still asking unanswerable questions of Dash and myself.

It's really simple, he is mine, he loves me, I'm wacky but it was always part of the package and I'm just that special to him because I am the love of his life and he doen't want anyone else regardless of how emotionally all over the map I am because that's the female condition.

Now if I could just accept that there really is no answer to "why". Never was.