WOW! Long time no update.
Let's start at the vacation that wasn't...
...or was it?
Week 1 ~ Trek southerly to the States and do the Summer Shimmy Shake. Which amounts to details left to last minute (in some cases the last 90 minutes) on who~picking~up~who
~where~when? Followed by the Rhomba of go here and see so~and~so and go there and do such~and~such. I felt like a pie, everbody wants a piece. This equals 20 hours of sleep across 7 days.
Week 2, 3 & 4 ~ Pretend to be a work~a~holic in the mad dash for college students last~chance~to~get~away olympics. McG had transferred entirely into our store and could now focus his efforts. So Lexar could get trained for Shift Leader. YEAH! Oh and I was named Employee of the Quater. Woot Woot!!!
The 20 something drama production had slowed to almost an uneasy stalemate. No musical outbursts or complex dance numbers thank goodness!
Week 5 ~ Return to the land of Choaticus (read USA). The pick up of Ladybug for me was not as bad but I hear tell those involved did have a bit of a square dance. The running hither and yon had dropped down to every other day and I slept so comfortably we even skipped a venue.
All of August had been spent in the recovery ($$), leave it to kismet to decide things is to quiet. The drama Queen extremist (DQE from here on out) lost it all over Lexar. Just when I had everyone convinced that they needed to deal with things in a mature manner and peacefully co-exist. I have to say based on the stories I was hearing that I felt betrayed, annoyed and fed-up.
To be fair the stories I was hearing were one sided and I have always believed there are 3 sides to every story but the DQE is not the type of person you can try to connect with in an attempt at getting near the truth so I didn't even bother.
Then one morning she had a faux pas much to the dismay of my rapidly fraying nerves and I finally said things I felt as opposed to maintaining my professionalism. From that was born a mild understanding, no personal conversation only courteously requested work-related professionalism.
She let the things I said both constructive and opinionated (although tempered with career politicing professionalism) percolate for a week and then politely asked me for qualifications against my criticisms. She took it with mild unease and great poise. There may even have been a bit of reaching out on her part and an understanding of some things she was not aware of in the break down of the command structure.
While I am without title, rank and salary I am expected to perform at a certain level and do things outside of my station in order to prove my worth for promotion as from day one of my hiring I have made no secret of my aspiration to management. Personally I have always strived for my own betterment and periodically take stock of that in which I am lacking and pull my performance tighter.
At any rate it would seem the last person on the team I thought might follow my lead, may indeed see my opinions and duties as adequate to the tasks I have undertaken.
The last week before school started was fraught with last minute book-offs leading to double-shifts and the desire for a much earned raise...which happily may not be that far in the future. Lexar has finished her training manuals and I have been presented with MINE. Let the Shift Leader training begin!!!
In other news...
* Ladybug has been signed with a modeling agency and shall be having her head shots taken next weekend.
* Dashes' 2 possible promotions have gone the way of the Doh-doo. :(
* We are again trying to buy me a car. Lots of tears and much gnashing of teeth.
It's not as stressful as it might sound but I sure am tired form all the cha-chaing required for the Summer Shimmy...hopefully things mellow for a bit before the Holiday Hustle begins!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Dramatize Me
I tried to quit smoking again made it 2 weeks before I wanted to tear my own head off because I was a raging bitch. My chemistry simply will not allow me to be smoke free, I am a demon possessed and I don't like who I become. You can sit there in your far away judgment and sigh shaking your head all the while thinking this is just an excuse but I think those near and dear to me would disagree with you.
The dynamic at work had sort of taken on a rhythm. Lexar and I unfortunately do not get to see each other much anymore because if truth be told we together are covering the AM position and therefore trade off duties. McG had started to concentrate his efforts on the other store and quickly realized how valuable Lex and I are to him when we both got sick for a week (at the same time).
And of my 8 peers at work it had become apparent that 5 of them have taken to differing to my judgment. So even though I lack the title they have turned little by little to seeing me as a figurehead. McG seemed to notice this one evening when roused from my bed at midnight I sprang into action. He actually thanked me not once but twice. That's a first and about damn skippy time too.
As for mini dramas at work - well let's say it's a full on production now and that run away train can't be stopped and the fall out isn't going to be pretty.
Should I even bother to mention that last week I filed my first official work-related police report? I suppose it's note worthy. Flagrantly hostile customer refusing to leaving premises and verbally abusive to 3 representatives even though we tried to help her. Come to find out she is well known by the cops and not in a friendly way.
Dash still isn't sleeping and even more mired in Promotion Limbo Hell. This causes relationship issues, primarily in the sex department. I have to say though I'm not exactly in the mood these days myself.
I feel sort of lost and the only message that seems to be recurring right now is ~ Somethings once said can never be taken back, no matter how sorry you are, how misunderstood the statement might have been or even how innocently a joke might have been said.
The dynamic at work had sort of taken on a rhythm. Lexar and I unfortunately do not get to see each other much anymore because if truth be told we together are covering the AM position and therefore trade off duties. McG had started to concentrate his efforts on the other store and quickly realized how valuable Lex and I are to him when we both got sick for a week (at the same time).
And of my 8 peers at work it had become apparent that 5 of them have taken to differing to my judgment. So even though I lack the title they have turned little by little to seeing me as a figurehead. McG seemed to notice this one evening when roused from my bed at midnight I sprang into action. He actually thanked me not once but twice. That's a first and about damn skippy time too.
As for mini dramas at work - well let's say it's a full on production now and that run away train can't be stopped and the fall out isn't going to be pretty.
Should I even bother to mention that last week I filed my first official work-related police report? I suppose it's note worthy. Flagrantly hostile customer refusing to leaving premises and verbally abusive to 3 representatives even though we tried to help her. Come to find out she is well known by the cops and not in a friendly way.
Dash still isn't sleeping and even more mired in Promotion Limbo Hell. This causes relationship issues, primarily in the sex department. I have to say though I'm not exactly in the mood these days myself.
I feel sort of lost and the only message that seems to be recurring right now is ~ Somethings once said can never be taken back, no matter how sorry you are, how misunderstood the statement might have been or even how innocently a joke might have been said.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Not Dead Yet
Okie-dokey then. Well first I'll say the psycho thing is attributed to 2 things. I had quit smoking which lead me to nit pick every damn thing so I started smoking again, gonna try to quit again in about 2 days....sigh. And two, my SAD was severe this year due to the weather.
The transition at RCI was difficult and the dust still hasn't settled thus my lack of update. Still have the restructure (possibly non-permanent) manager - McG.
I don't have the faintest idea where to begin to explain all of this. The loss of Sass's organizational skills became quickly apparent so Lexar and I began the tremendously tedious job of trying to baton down the hatches. By Easter with little-to-no idea of what I was doing I blew a gasket all over one impossible to please customer. During that week I had also managed to piss off one co-worker and alienate Orb. It seemed everyday I was making one enormous mistake after another.
It turns out that I had been putting to much pressure on myself to do things that weren't in my job description and sadly this is a 2 month cycle for me.
McG's managerial style and my own control freak personality are clashing even if only in my own mind. He is currently managing 2 stores one without an AM and I understand how easily this could stress him out or cause him to be forgetful, hell I can't even TRY to imagine running just one so I've tried to be understanding.
I've saddled myself with certain responsibilities and am currently trying to learn how to delegate certain tasks and share things. The problem with sharing those things I have taken as my own is that McG has come to rely on my doing these things (even if he won't admit it) so if I hand them off and they aren't done correctly who do you presume he turns the blame on? Right-O, little old frustrated me.
McG has a real need for now results which can be somewhat unorganized and I prefer to take things in a little more of a organized manner and do them right the first time, which granted takes a bit longer but reduces mistakes. It often feels like he is disappointed in everything I do and I assume he lays the blame with me (although I've been told he's just super tense about loss-prevention and it's nothing personal).
It really boils down to I haven't the proper training to do all that I do and am often blind-sided by some incoming phone call of something that needs doing right now when he's not around to consult. So I have to muddle through it and learn the hard way. I've asked for the training but it is slow in the coming especially since half of his time is spent elsewhere and part of me believes he has no faith in my abilities. I guess we'll see at what is supposed to be my 6 month review on the 10th.
Doesn't read half as bad as it feels especially since I glossed over the finer details of mini-dramas among the College Set. I am over-worked, under-paid and under-appreciated I guess that's normal and we all hate it but for the love of goodness I feel like I'm suffocating.
In other frustrations, Dash had been offered not one but two promotions - Security consulting for the firm he currently works for and Property Administrator for the company he works under. He went for an interview for the Consulting gig and they told him he had it in the bag but they had to wait for Accounting to arrange for the position through the Budgeting committee. This position would include quite the salary hike plus a clothing allowance and either a company car or a car allowance. This tickled the hell out of us both.
Dash because it validated his worth being offered 2 positions. He decided not to go with the Property Admin since it would mean to much time behind a desk pushing paper. And I was excited because either way we decided to go with the car issue it would me I would no longer be riding my bike the 4.5 kilometers to work.
Alas here we are a month later with no word on his start date and $2500 worth of repair work needing done on our current vehicle.
Can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S! That's on both of us. I can't get promoted because I'm to new and the trainer has split responsibilities and Dash is waiting.
Hello Limbo, sometimes I think Limbo is so much worse than hell could ever be. I DO NOT wait well!!!
The transition at RCI was difficult and the dust still hasn't settled thus my lack of update. Still have the restructure (possibly non-permanent) manager - McG.
I don't have the faintest idea where to begin to explain all of this. The loss of Sass's organizational skills became quickly apparent so Lexar and I began the tremendously tedious job of trying to baton down the hatches. By Easter with little-to-no idea of what I was doing I blew a gasket all over one impossible to please customer. During that week I had also managed to piss off one co-worker and alienate Orb. It seemed everyday I was making one enormous mistake after another.
It turns out that I had been putting to much pressure on myself to do things that weren't in my job description and sadly this is a 2 month cycle for me.
McG's managerial style and my own control freak personality are clashing even if only in my own mind. He is currently managing 2 stores one without an AM and I understand how easily this could stress him out or cause him to be forgetful, hell I can't even TRY to imagine running just one so I've tried to be understanding.
I've saddled myself with certain responsibilities and am currently trying to learn how to delegate certain tasks and share things. The problem with sharing those things I have taken as my own is that McG has come to rely on my doing these things (even if he won't admit it) so if I hand them off and they aren't done correctly who do you presume he turns the blame on? Right-O, little old frustrated me.
McG has a real need for now results which can be somewhat unorganized and I prefer to take things in a little more of a organized manner and do them right the first time, which granted takes a bit longer but reduces mistakes. It often feels like he is disappointed in everything I do and I assume he lays the blame with me (although I've been told he's just super tense about loss-prevention and it's nothing personal).
It really boils down to I haven't the proper training to do all that I do and am often blind-sided by some incoming phone call of something that needs doing right now when he's not around to consult. So I have to muddle through it and learn the hard way. I've asked for the training but it is slow in the coming especially since half of his time is spent elsewhere and part of me believes he has no faith in my abilities. I guess we'll see at what is supposed to be my 6 month review on the 10th.
Doesn't read half as bad as it feels especially since I glossed over the finer details of mini-dramas among the College Set. I am over-worked, under-paid and under-appreciated I guess that's normal and we all hate it but for the love of goodness I feel like I'm suffocating.
In other frustrations, Dash had been offered not one but two promotions - Security consulting for the firm he currently works for and Property Administrator for the company he works under. He went for an interview for the Consulting gig and they told him he had it in the bag but they had to wait for Accounting to arrange for the position through the Budgeting committee. This position would include quite the salary hike plus a clothing allowance and either a company car or a car allowance. This tickled the hell out of us both.
Dash because it validated his worth being offered 2 positions. He decided not to go with the Property Admin since it would mean to much time behind a desk pushing paper. And I was excited because either way we decided to go with the car issue it would me I would no longer be riding my bike the 4.5 kilometers to work.
Alas here we are a month later with no word on his start date and $2500 worth of repair work needing done on our current vehicle.
Can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S! That's on both of us. I can't get promoted because I'm to new and the trainer has split responsibilities and Dash is waiting.
Hello Limbo, sometimes I think Limbo is so much worse than hell could ever be. I DO NOT wait well!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
WDF? ! ? !
I do not have the slightest fucking clue what is wrong with me. For the last week I have been down right psycho. I am suspicious, paranoid and moody. There is absolutely NO reason for these feelings. I can't sleep, I can't focus and now I'm sitting here bloody well crying for not a flip of a reason.
...and before you ask NO i have not been tokin' any damn wacky weed!
On the inside I'm screaming with rage. On the outside I am smiling and crying. WDF? ! ? !
...and before you ask NO i have not been tokin' any damn wacky weed!
On the inside I'm screaming with rage. On the outside I am smiling and crying. WDF? ! ? !
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Ghosts of my Past
I've decided to transfer over my posts from the old Blog I used to haunt because I'd like to consolidate my web lives and be rid of certain bookmarks. It may take me a while to transfer every bit of 2 years (minus a few stupid posts of no consequence what-so-ever) so please be patient with me and feel free to peruse at your leisure. Enjoy!
Wow, I am really starting to notice while editing how very much I rambled. The transitions of my mind slip so easily that my focus doesn't read coherently half the time I am sitting here wondering what my own bloody point was, knowing if I don't understand it how the hell anyone else ever did is a mystery to us all I'd wager. ROFL. So if you decide to read the archives you've been warned!
Wow, I am really starting to notice while editing how very much I rambled. The transitions of my mind slip so easily that my focus doesn't read coherently half the time I am sitting here wondering what my own bloody point was, knowing if I don't understand it how the hell anyone else ever did is a mystery to us all I'd wager. ROFL. So if you decide to read the archives you've been warned!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Corporate Restructure
About a month ago I may or may not have mentioned that the company I work for would be restructuring come March. This will now become effective on February 13th.
A few directives have come down the pipe line.
Our retail outlet spans across 4 medias in one store, their first order of business was to separate 3 of the more technically diverse areas from the one entertainment specific one (the one I work in). Up to this point some of the employees have been in various stages and levels of training thereby mingling back and forth between the two counters. The change will effectively segregate us and anyone with the training has been told such expenses will not be allowed to waste and are therefore mandated to said Tech Savvy side.
With out making this more confusing let's just say the Manager (Orb), Assistant Manager (AM - Sass) and Head Shift Leader (HSL - Sario) all have this training and have been reassigned. The Manager who I truly have enjoyed working with is moving to an entirely different store altogether to head his own team of Tech Savvies. The AM will become the New Manager of our Tech Savvies and gain our best selling HSL to boot.
The Entertainers will be receiving a new Manager (with his own AM in tow). This change sort of leaves us with 7 college students, 1 housewife and me. As far as I have been able to ascertain only one (Lexar) of those is even remotely interested in advancing with this company and even she has been hedging towards the Call Center.
We are definitely in need of an HSL and it kind of falls to Lexar (who says she doesn't want it and doesn't have the availability to do it) and me who desperately wants to advance (but hasn't been with the Co. long enough to be promoted and lacks the training - which to be fair is hard to come by when you've had 3 bloody managers in 3 months). What's worse is we aren't sure if this manager is staying longer than a month.
Previously Orb and I had been deep in discussions about my career path which we both thought would eventually lead to my becoming a Tech Savvy. I started putting to much pressure on myself and the Co. began to change so Orb and I thought it best I pull back and let the dust settle before moving forward. I think I had decided on some level to not care and just let things flow as they may. Hell maybe I was even in denial because yesterday when I got the schedule for next week it all suddenly became real.
To this point I have been a 20 hr. a week employee (apparently you are a part timer unless you are Management) but of course the college set always calls in and I get offered more hours owing to the fact that I have open availability. Until this change I was 3rd in the line of who gets the extra hours Sario (Avg. hrs. per wk. ~ 35), Lexar(25), and last but certainly not least Me (25).
I know this seems like a stupid thing for me to be telling you but it's pertinent I swear! Next week I am scheduled for 34 HOURS!!! <--This is me jumping up and down with joy because finally I'm getting enough hours to live on...hold on.
Lexar is scheduled for 32. Oh shit, I'm the new Sario!!!
This is quite literally where my brain and all it's gears jammed and I stopped breathing for a full 5 minutes. Those are some huge shoes to fill. I mean the woman is a stellar sells person in either the Entertainers or the Tech Savvy capacity. When I grow up I wanna be just like Sario!
I'm still stunned and slowly piecing together the full repercussions of all this. Whereupon Sass (AM) sees fit to inform me that the new Manager wants to jump right on training me to open (which I have had a minute willy~nilly sort of not really volunteered training session once).
OMGoodness, as I sit here it is occurring to me that they realize Lexar is not a long term investment (she'll be toddling off after graduating to her chosen career next year) but has the training necessary to hold the ship together while I learn it.
Oh crap I haven't even had time to install the mouth filter yet (something Orb deigned necessary for me to achieve anything I wanted). You'd think being an entertainer would be simple and easy and perhaps not a real grown up job but let me tell you it is fast paced, requires lots of memory functionality and the ability to change with the speed of lightening, as well as being diplomatic and business minded.
I just told Dash yesterday I thought it best if we didn't buy a new car until October , you know giving us time to pay off some debt and raise our credit rating and now I just..
think...
perhaps...
I need a car by Thursday.
A few directives have come down the pipe line.
Our retail outlet spans across 4 medias in one store, their first order of business was to separate 3 of the more technically diverse areas from the one entertainment specific one (the one I work in). Up to this point some of the employees have been in various stages and levels of training thereby mingling back and forth between the two counters. The change will effectively segregate us and anyone with the training has been told such expenses will not be allowed to waste and are therefore mandated to said Tech Savvy side.
With out making this more confusing let's just say the Manager (Orb), Assistant Manager (AM - Sass) and Head Shift Leader (HSL - Sario) all have this training and have been reassigned. The Manager who I truly have enjoyed working with is moving to an entirely different store altogether to head his own team of Tech Savvies. The AM will become the New Manager of our Tech Savvies and gain our best selling HSL to boot.
The Entertainers will be receiving a new Manager (with his own AM in tow). This change sort of leaves us with 7 college students, 1 housewife and me. As far as I have been able to ascertain only one (Lexar) of those is even remotely interested in advancing with this company and even she has been hedging towards the Call Center.
We are definitely in need of an HSL and it kind of falls to Lexar (who says she doesn't want it and doesn't have the availability to do it) and me who desperately wants to advance (but hasn't been with the Co. long enough to be promoted and lacks the training - which to be fair is hard to come by when you've had 3 bloody managers in 3 months). What's worse is we aren't sure if this manager is staying longer than a month.
Previously Orb and I had been deep in discussions about my career path which we both thought would eventually lead to my becoming a Tech Savvy. I started putting to much pressure on myself and the Co. began to change so Orb and I thought it best I pull back and let the dust settle before moving forward. I think I had decided on some level to not care and just let things flow as they may. Hell maybe I was even in denial because yesterday when I got the schedule for next week it all suddenly became real.
To this point I have been a 20 hr. a week employee (apparently you are a part timer unless you are Management) but of course the college set always calls in and I get offered more hours owing to the fact that I have open availability. Until this change I was 3rd in the line of who gets the extra hours Sario (Avg. hrs. per wk. ~ 35), Lexar(25), and last but certainly not least Me (25).
I know this seems like a stupid thing for me to be telling you but it's pertinent I swear! Next week I am scheduled for 34 HOURS!!! <--This is me jumping up and down with joy because finally I'm getting enough hours to live on...hold on.
Lexar is scheduled for 32. Oh shit, I'm the new Sario!!!
This is quite literally where my brain and all it's gears jammed and I stopped breathing for a full 5 minutes. Those are some huge shoes to fill. I mean the woman is a stellar sells person in either the Entertainers or the Tech Savvy capacity. When I grow up I wanna be just like Sario!
I'm still stunned and slowly piecing together the full repercussions of all this. Whereupon Sass (AM) sees fit to inform me that the new Manager wants to jump right on training me to open (which I have had a minute willy~nilly sort of not really volunteered training session once).
OMGoodness, as I sit here it is occurring to me that they realize Lexar is not a long term investment (she'll be toddling off after graduating to her chosen career next year) but has the training necessary to hold the ship together while I learn it.
Oh crap I haven't even had time to install the mouth filter yet (something Orb deigned necessary for me to achieve anything I wanted). You'd think being an entertainer would be simple and easy and perhaps not a real grown up job but let me tell you it is fast paced, requires lots of memory functionality and the ability to change with the speed of lightening, as well as being diplomatic and business minded.
I just told Dash yesterday I thought it best if we didn't buy a new car until October , you know giving us time to pay off some debt and raise our credit rating and now I just..
think...
perhaps...
I need a car by Thursday.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Silent as Death
The pallor of gloom that sits upon our household, unseen, and yet barely even felt that is the thin veil of Dash's deliberate denial and avoidance of EVERYONE he told about this. Even though to anyone else he looks fine, smiles from time to time and even cracks jokes I can still feel him across the ocean that is OUR disappointment. He doesn't say anything. As a matter of course he is even quieter than usual if that is possible.
Thursday was bad but I knew that the next day would be worse because he had been telling all his facebook friends (who to their credit have been very supportive) can't seem to take the hint that he would really rather not rehash the same question over and over again. They mean well and I know they care but seriously people if he isn't singing, dancing and hanging from the rafters with joy then it would seem to me the answer you seek is evident.
I've battened down the hatches because I figure the storm to come is going to be so much worse since the calm is eerily like death. Pallid, cold and still. I've no idea how long it'll be before we see the sunshine of his truly happy smile again so I'll weather the surging tides and be here standing still and waiting to support him in his next endeavor.
As for me well I took it harder than he did. I just...well I believe in him. My heart, soul and mind were sold on dreams, all of them coming true in under a year. His and mine. I can't be sorry I feel that way! I'm shocked, stunned and devastated. More punishment for the wicked I guess. Perhaps we didn't have enough karma points between us to be worthy of having it all. Someday damn it. Someday!!!
Thursday was bad but I knew that the next day would be worse because he had been telling all his facebook friends (who to their credit have been very supportive) can't seem to take the hint that he would really rather not rehash the same question over and over again. They mean well and I know they care but seriously people if he isn't singing, dancing and hanging from the rafters with joy then it would seem to me the answer you seek is evident.
I've battened down the hatches because I figure the storm to come is going to be so much worse since the calm is eerily like death. Pallid, cold and still. I've no idea how long it'll be before we see the sunshine of his truly happy smile again so I'll weather the surging tides and be here standing still and waiting to support him in his next endeavor.
As for me well I took it harder than he did. I just...well I believe in him. My heart, soul and mind were sold on dreams, all of them coming true in under a year. His and mine. I can't be sorry I feel that way! I'm shocked, stunned and devastated. More punishment for the wicked I guess. Perhaps we didn't have enough karma points between us to be worthy of having it all. Someday damn it. Someday!!!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Not Quite Anything...
So Thursday morning was Dash's interview. It was to be the interview of a lifetime. The catapult to fulfilling his lifelong dream and the first corner in the foundation of all our hopes and dreams begun.
You know I don't even want to write it. If I do then it's real and I haven't the heart just now to summon the magical words that will make your heart sink. The words that will express my complete and utter despair.
That interview was his last grip on hope to get out of the stress that is his current position and all he can express is disappointment and inadequacy. I'm a little torn because I know it pains him and yet there is nothing I can do or say to fix that pain besides it would seem whenever I am in his presence now all I can do is tear up and remind him of what isn't happening (not this year anyway).
I just hate it when Lilith does that oh-so-spooky prediction subconscious message thing. I even hate her for not driving the bus Thursday afternoon and letting me look like a slobbering mess, my eyes all puffy and tears enough to fill a river in Cairo.
You know I don't even want to write it. If I do then it's real and I haven't the heart just now to summon the magical words that will make your heart sink. The words that will express my complete and utter despair.
That interview was his last grip on hope to get out of the stress that is his current position and all he can express is disappointment and inadequacy. I'm a little torn because I know it pains him and yet there is nothing I can do or say to fix that pain besides it would seem whenever I am in his presence now all I can do is tear up and remind him of what isn't happening (not this year anyway).
I just hate it when Lilith does that oh-so-spooky prediction subconscious message thing. I even hate her for not driving the bus Thursday afternoon and letting me look like a slobbering mess, my eyes all puffy and tears enough to fill a river in Cairo.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
This Time
Lilith's little experiments with Dashs' libido were fruitful. 2 to 1 I win. At least we know he's capable. So now the snot that is my dark half is sniveling this at me out of my subconscious.
This Time Lyrics
3 Doors Down
Unsure of yourself
you stand divided now.
Which road will lead you there
Last time you fell and you hit hard
Your wounds have healed by now
But you still see your scars yeah
But it’s not the way it use to be right now
You come so far to just let this go my friend
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Live on, live it up today
This life’s your cup
So drink it up I say, yeah
Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now
And walk that line, don’t let this go, don’t go out the
Same way you did the last time
Your break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
Drink it up
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You got to believe in yourself this time
I am sort of worried about her intent as last week she was working on the soundtrack for my demise. Hopefully she's just pissed because I went out and bought the happy pills that suppress her lunacy and lets sunshine into her dreary dungeon of heart.
This Time Lyrics
3 Doors Down
Unsure of yourself
you stand divided now.
Which road will lead you there
Last time you fell and you hit hard
Your wounds have healed by now
But you still see your scars yeah
But it’s not the way it use to be right now
You come so far to just let this go my friend
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Live on, live it up today
This life’s your cup
So drink it up I say, yeah
Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now
And walk that line, don’t let this go, don’t go out the
Same way you did the last time
Your break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
Drink it up
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You got to believe in yourself this time
I am sort of worried about her intent as last week she was working on the soundtrack for my demise. Hopefully she's just pissed because I went out and bought the happy pills that suppress her lunacy and lets sunshine into her dreary dungeon of heart.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A Moment Like This
Have you ever had a single moment in your life where joy is so prevalent you could exist in that one instance the rest of your life?
A gentle haze of fog swirls about ankle high, the only other movement is the little creek that meanders along the cobbled road, whispering it's laughter as it goes. Reminiscent of a little London the cobblestones curve out of sight round a pub.
The imperfect glass filters a warble of amber light onto the sidewalk. Through this glass is visible the cheerful patrons, a good portion of which are gathered across 3 tables near the front. Their conversations gaggle like geese and laughter bubbles up and flows across the bar in waves of regalia. Glasses clink in toast and as the seasoned waitress deftly picks up three at a time sweeping out of sight next to unnoticed.
A duo takes the stage, as opposite in appearance as two men can be. They are brothers in music and friends for life. Lights behind them narrow to a cone of ruby that washes over both. The music flows easily betwixt the crowd in the front as their boisterousness settles.
Introduction of the next song goes a little like this,"To Dash and Val we dedicate our next song as both of whom know what it feels like."
I flush in the face, I'm new to this tightly knit group and unaware at this time just how much the music binds them. Dash and I both smile waiting for that familiar chord that will give away the song. An unlikely song at that but "In the End" an accurate description of our previous relationships, without whose failure we might never have meet.
I am somewhat awed, riveted by the music and the meaning. Outside nature has begun to tap out her own melody. Dash's eyes glow in that special kind of way he has of looking at me sometimes. It's that look that I will later try to gain over and over again for it is that look in his eyes and his hand on the small of my back that says he is proud I belong to him, belong with him.
He grabs my hand and whisks me out into the night. Before I can ask where we are going or why, he's wrapped his warm arms around me and all I know is the complete consumption of his kiss. I don't even notice the rain streaking in rivulets through my hair and down my cheeks like tears. Tears I would most gladly shed for the perfection of his touch, the rapture of his kindly heart and the overwhelming love that even then threatened to break me upon the rocks of our dream swept sea.
It's 5 1/2 years later and I'm so moved by that moment still that I was just sitting here, huge smile on my face thinking it would be the perfect way for him to propose.
It's a cherished moment we can never recapture for the dance is done for one of the brothers DB. I hope that you have now or will find in the future that moment you can live in for they are a precious few.
A gentle haze of fog swirls about ankle high, the only other movement is the little creek that meanders along the cobbled road, whispering it's laughter as it goes. Reminiscent of a little London the cobblestones curve out of sight round a pub.
The imperfect glass filters a warble of amber light onto the sidewalk. Through this glass is visible the cheerful patrons, a good portion of which are gathered across 3 tables near the front. Their conversations gaggle like geese and laughter bubbles up and flows across the bar in waves of regalia. Glasses clink in toast and as the seasoned waitress deftly picks up three at a time sweeping out of sight next to unnoticed.
A duo takes the stage, as opposite in appearance as two men can be. They are brothers in music and friends for life. Lights behind them narrow to a cone of ruby that washes over both. The music flows easily betwixt the crowd in the front as their boisterousness settles.
Introduction of the next song goes a little like this,"To Dash and Val we dedicate our next song as both of whom know what it feels like."
I flush in the face, I'm new to this tightly knit group and unaware at this time just how much the music binds them. Dash and I both smile waiting for that familiar chord that will give away the song. An unlikely song at that but "In the End" an accurate description of our previous relationships, without whose failure we might never have meet.
I am somewhat awed, riveted by the music and the meaning. Outside nature has begun to tap out her own melody. Dash's eyes glow in that special kind of way he has of looking at me sometimes. It's that look that I will later try to gain over and over again for it is that look in his eyes and his hand on the small of my back that says he is proud I belong to him, belong with him.
He grabs my hand and whisks me out into the night. Before I can ask where we are going or why, he's wrapped his warm arms around me and all I know is the complete consumption of his kiss. I don't even notice the rain streaking in rivulets through my hair and down my cheeks like tears. Tears I would most gladly shed for the perfection of his touch, the rapture of his kindly heart and the overwhelming love that even then threatened to break me upon the rocks of our dream swept sea.
It's 5 1/2 years later and I'm so moved by that moment still that I was just sitting here, huge smile on my face thinking it would be the perfect way for him to propose.
It's a cherished moment we can never recapture for the dance is done for one of the brothers DB. I hope that you have now or will find in the future that moment you can live in for they are a precious few.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Heavy Sigh
I'm a different kind of sad today. The kind of sad you are when you're upset with yourself. The kind of sad where you sit around demoralizing oneself and eating things you aught have, especially when the sin that passed your lips is part of the reason you are in this damnable situation in the first friggin' place.
(Can you hear my accent when I type? No, just me then!)
So when I was working for the barn I lost 28 surprising pounds in 6 months. Well I found 14 (longlostandneverwantedtofindagain) pounds last night on the awful (truth telling) scale. Oh I had an inkling they were back since the size 12 pants I bought are to to snug now and the 14's are comfortable. Cry, Cry, for shame on me.
So since I no longer have a sabotage problem what with errant man who loves Doritos and chocolate chip cookies on a health kick and the brat being out voted 2 to 1 perhaps, mayhaps and possibly I can still manage to reach my goal weight of 145.
So, I've relogged myself into the Spark only to find I had forgotten most of what I learned only further proving to myself how egad awful lazy I am.
Heavy Le Sigh.
(Can you hear my accent when I type? No, just me then!)
So when I was working for the barn I lost 28 surprising pounds in 6 months. Well I found 14 (longlostandneverwantedtofindagain) pounds last night on the awful (truth telling) scale. Oh I had an inkling they were back since the size 12 pants I bought are to to snug now and the 14's are comfortable. Cry, Cry, for shame on me.
So since I no longer have a sabotage problem what with errant man who loves Doritos and chocolate chip cookies on a health kick and the brat being out voted 2 to 1 perhaps, mayhaps and possibly I can still manage to reach my goal weight of 145.
So, I've relogged myself into the Spark only to find I had forgotten most of what I learned only further proving to myself how egad awful lazy I am.
Heavy Le Sigh.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Killing me Softly
Heat.
The kind that radiates from one point and the mere imagining of such a moment warms.
Slow.
Slow, like she whispers my dreams to me from across the room. So vivid an image that I am there.
Now that's writing!
The kind that radiates from one point and the mere imagining of such a moment warms.
Slow.
Slow, like she whispers my dreams to me from across the room. So vivid an image that I am there.
Now that's writing!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Twitterpated
Oh but for all the witchin' in the world I am taken heart and soul by that man. He doesn't even have to be around to flutter~my~bies (that's butterflies in the stomach in case you don't speak Valanease). Today I went to get a towel out of the linen closet and pictured that fine form of his there fixing the door. A crooked little half smile crossed my lips and my eyes drooped to that sultry half open look.
The Ladybug did spy the mood change and asked what I was thinking. To which I stated,"I am smitten. Definitely Twitterpated."
She says,"I don't even want to know what that is." She's at that age where she has begun to notice certain adult activities and we make her sick on a regular basis without meaning to so she assumes almost anything to do with Dash is one of those "grown up gross things".
I couldn't help myself I laughed so hard and told her to consult Bambi's owl on the finer points of Twitterpation.
The Ladybug did spy the mood change and asked what I was thinking. To which I stated,"I am smitten. Definitely Twitterpated."
She says,"I don't even want to know what that is." She's at that age where she has begun to notice certain adult activities and we make her sick on a regular basis without meaning to so she assumes almost anything to do with Dash is one of those "grown up gross things".
I couldn't help myself I laughed so hard and told her to consult Bambi's owl on the finer points of Twitterpation.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Bittersweet
You know I find it almost ironic to have a boyfriend who once in a great while (as is natural and not at all meant as a slight to me) wonders why I can't look like those girls in a centerfold and yet back in the day when I was trying to lose weight (before the very physical barn job) wasn't entirely on the diet train with me, now has my full backing. No pun intended, nor perverse innuendo.
Don't get me wrong Dash is quite the "To good to be True, Prince Charming" who actually often exceeds those criteria. Case not in point:
This he gave to me after our last fight. But I digress. Yes back to the irony.
He quit smoking in order to become more healthy and pass the physical for career advancement. I quit smoking so he would continue to kiss me. I'm having problems staying quit.
I lost 11 lbs. with all kinds of temptation in the house because the 2 of them weren't on a diet. It is a widely held belief that part of the reason some dieters can't lose weight is because their spouse and/or children sabotage them by keeping things like chips, cookies and the like in the house and eat them in front of said dieter.
When he decides to become more healthy replacing his chips with fruit and his soda with orange juice I'm right there with him (not quite letting go of my soda just yet but will be replacing the non-diet portion of that with Green Chi Tea).
This sounds a goodly deal like bitching but it's merely a way for me to point out my finer qualities. I am equal parts supportive and helpful with just a smidgen of bitter. Okay? Okay.
Don't get me wrong Dash is quite the "To good to be True, Prince Charming" who actually often exceeds those criteria. Case not in point:
This he gave to me after our last fight. But I digress. Yes back to the irony.
He quit smoking in order to become more healthy and pass the physical for career advancement. I quit smoking so he would continue to kiss me. I'm having problems staying quit.
I lost 11 lbs. with all kinds of temptation in the house because the 2 of them weren't on a diet. It is a widely held belief that part of the reason some dieters can't lose weight is because their spouse and/or children sabotage them by keeping things like chips, cookies and the like in the house and eat them in front of said dieter.
When he decides to become more healthy replacing his chips with fruit and his soda with orange juice I'm right there with him (not quite letting go of my soda just yet but will be replacing the non-diet portion of that with Green Chi Tea).
This sounds a goodly deal like bitching but it's merely a way for me to point out my finer qualities. I am equal parts supportive and helpful with just a smidgen of bitter. Okay? Okay.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Subliminal Messages
Lilith has spoken!
Heaven's Coming Down
The Tea Party
With nothing to lose you'd waste away.
Obscure, in exile.
They've witnessed the times
you've gone astray
whose fault? Now you're thinking...
There's nothing to prove,
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
and it feels now
just like heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
So strange are the ways,
they all have changed.
Still life it stays the same
a break from the past
could make it last,
maybe just a little longer.
There's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
You surrender,
love under will.
Rest assured you're adored,
And it feels now
just lie heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
This time, no tears,
just one last chance to see you prove.
Stay strong, no fears,
there is a change that's
coming through
hold on my love
hold on...
For those of you that don't know Lilith is what I decided to name my dark half. She is neither an alter-ego nor an alternate personality. I do not see her as separate from myself (although I often talk about her as though she is an entity unto herself) . I honestly believe she is the part of me that was fractured into existence under childhood trauma, and her main purpose is to protect me. With little to no necessity for her services anymore, the protector has become the subconscious and has mutated into a twisted humor and rudeness I don't allow for the general public. I once tried to (symbolically) kill her and discovered that the only way to save me was to embrace her. She is a part of me and I love her. Call me crazy if you want. All that proves to me is you are in denial about your own inner demons - EVERYONE has a dark side!!! I'm just honest.
Heaven's Coming Down
The Tea Party
With nothing to lose you'd waste away.
Obscure, in exile.
They've witnessed the times
you've gone astray
whose fault? Now you're thinking...
There's nothing to prove,
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
and it feels now
just like heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
So strange are the ways,
they all have changed.
Still life it stays the same
a break from the past
could make it last,
maybe just a little longer.
There's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
You surrender,
love under will.
Rest assured you're adored,
And it feels now
just lie heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
This time, no tears,
just one last chance to see you prove.
Stay strong, no fears,
there is a change that's
coming through
hold on my love
hold on...
For those of you that don't know Lilith is what I decided to name my dark half. She is neither an alter-ego nor an alternate personality. I do not see her as separate from myself (although I often talk about her as though she is an entity unto herself) . I honestly believe she is the part of me that was fractured into existence under childhood trauma, and her main purpose is to protect me. With little to no necessity for her services anymore, the protector has become the subconscious and has mutated into a twisted humor and rudeness I don't allow for the general public. I once tried to (symbolically) kill her and discovered that the only way to save me was to embrace her. She is a part of me and I love her. Call me crazy if you want. All that proves to me is you are in denial about your own inner demons - EVERYONE has a dark side!!! I'm just honest.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
I am SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder). I used to think people claiming to suffer from this condition were full of it, then I moved to Canada. My first winter here was 6 solid months of stir crazy solitary and gloominess. The last 2 years winter sort of skimmed us here in the north and I knew I was going to be towing a line this year when it snowed in November. I'm beginning to think there is some other underlying issue this year because I feel like all 3 characters from The Shining are at war for control of my psyche lately.
Aside from my lack of ability to concentrate, sleeping 10 hours once I've completely exhausted myself into tortured sleep where nightmares plague my subconscious and the subsequent over analysis of certain anxieties, my need to nibble all the time (which may or may not be a throw back to the fact I quit smoking in November) I am also disconnecting or conversely over reacting to things that come into my purview.
What's worse is the common attitude about SAD is that it is a direct result of less light but I get plenty of that we have large windows all along the front of our store at work and I ride my bike to work 3 times a week so I am getting exercise and fresh air.
I've begun to wonder if the Bi-polar Bear in my family has finally come out of hibernation in me. This is the scariest of my depressive worries, everything else I can handle on my own. This one would actually need a doctor and I so don't want to play the let's analyze me game.
I know I am depressed it's the why part I can't find. This assessment is based on typical symptoms like being tired all the time but unable to sleep, bouts of uncontrollable crying (and at the most inappropriate times), a sense of hopelessness, spending money extravagantly (as though trying to buy my happiness - which I rationally know to not work) or is it all psychosomatic? At this point I really don't care I just want the mania that is my mood swings to stop causing me to lash out at the ones I love and to that end I'm going to try to self medicate with Omega 3 happy pills tomorrow and see if I can make it to May before I do something drastic like having my head shrunk.
Aside from my lack of ability to concentrate, sleeping 10 hours once I've completely exhausted myself into tortured sleep where nightmares plague my subconscious and the subsequent over analysis of certain anxieties, my need to nibble all the time (which may or may not be a throw back to the fact I quit smoking in November) I am also disconnecting or conversely over reacting to things that come into my purview.
What's worse is the common attitude about SAD is that it is a direct result of less light but I get plenty of that we have large windows all along the front of our store at work and I ride my bike to work 3 times a week so I am getting exercise and fresh air.
I've begun to wonder if the Bi-polar Bear in my family has finally come out of hibernation in me. This is the scariest of my depressive worries, everything else I can handle on my own. This one would actually need a doctor and I so don't want to play the let's analyze me game.
I know I am depressed it's the why part I can't find. This assessment is based on typical symptoms like being tired all the time but unable to sleep, bouts of uncontrollable crying (and at the most inappropriate times), a sense of hopelessness, spending money extravagantly (as though trying to buy my happiness - which I rationally know to not work) or is it all psychosomatic? At this point I really don't care I just want the mania that is my mood swings to stop causing me to lash out at the ones I love and to that end I'm going to try to self medicate with Omega 3 happy pills tomorrow and see if I can make it to May before I do something drastic like having my head shrunk.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
M - o - o - n Spells Weird
Career updates go like this, at 6 weeks I closed for the first time and basically left the door unlocked. I got off with a warning. My newest manager ORB has been mentoring me towards the 2k raise but last week we decided to slow down because I was suffocating under the pressure I put upon my self. The reviews due to the restructuring have been completed and the interviews have commenced, I have been informed I am still to new to receive one and therefore will not. On top of all that we shall be getting a new manager come February. That makes 3 managers in 3 months for me. Can you say Weeeeeeeeee?!?!
Dash has sent off his paperwork and received one phone call for clarification and is awaiting the call to schedule his interview. He's all nerves as am I.
Due to our career stresses and overtime we've had 3 fights already, one on Christmas day about spending time together, one on New Years day about whether or not we could afford to buy me a car and one last week about sex. Most of these boil down to a break down of communication in one way or another. Simple misunderstandings and I am beginning to think there is something wrong with 2008. Perhaps the alignment of the stars has thrown the magnetic core out of whack or something but it just ain't right.
I finally figured out what my funk was all about, while we were skipping the holiday hustle and bustle to buy gifts for others we were picking up the slack by working in retail(me) over the holidays, working doubles (both) and days we were supposed to have off volunteering often(me) and working past bone weary (him) right into the grave (wistful thinking sometimes - hehe).
Now that all the hub-bub has passed all of my co-workers have found themselves quite drained and unable to sleep properly. Either due to restlessness, illnesses, nightmares or a combination of the 3. Dashes' co-workers have switched personalities, as in people who used to be nice turned mean and vice versa. It has been discussed among us all as a final let down from all the hurry-worry of the holidays and now that they have past we can relax but have stretched ourselves to thin and it is taking longer than expected to return to normal.
Actually thought it was passing until last night, I had another nightmare. All but one have a similar theme, I've had over a dozen lately. They're all about Dash leaving me for another woman whom he does not love or really want. I truly believed the first few were anxiety over his impending hazardous job. Now I'm not so sure. Dreams for the most part are symbolic I know that, but if it's not about losing him to the job I don't get it because I dealt with my own feeling of inadequacy in keeping his heart and attention over 3 years ago. And now that I've written all this out the dream itself has faded into obscurity leaving behind only this ball of anxiety in my sternum and a general sense of foreboding.
So from here on you may be getting dreams dropped into the middle of no where with no explanation so I can keep track of them.
Dash has sent off his paperwork and received one phone call for clarification and is awaiting the call to schedule his interview. He's all nerves as am I.
Due to our career stresses and overtime we've had 3 fights already, one on Christmas day about spending time together, one on New Years day about whether or not we could afford to buy me a car and one last week about sex. Most of these boil down to a break down of communication in one way or another. Simple misunderstandings and I am beginning to think there is something wrong with 2008. Perhaps the alignment of the stars has thrown the magnetic core out of whack or something but it just ain't right.
I finally figured out what my funk was all about, while we were skipping the holiday hustle and bustle to buy gifts for others we were picking up the slack by working in retail(me) over the holidays, working doubles (both) and days we were supposed to have off volunteering often(me) and working past bone weary (him) right into the grave (wistful thinking sometimes - hehe).
Now that all the hub-bub has passed all of my co-workers have found themselves quite drained and unable to sleep properly. Either due to restlessness, illnesses, nightmares or a combination of the 3. Dashes' co-workers have switched personalities, as in people who used to be nice turned mean and vice versa. It has been discussed among us all as a final let down from all the hurry-worry of the holidays and now that they have past we can relax but have stretched ourselves to thin and it is taking longer than expected to return to normal.
Actually thought it was passing until last night, I had another nightmare. All but one have a similar theme, I've had over a dozen lately. They're all about Dash leaving me for another woman whom he does not love or really want. I truly believed the first few were anxiety over his impending hazardous job. Now I'm not so sure. Dreams for the most part are symbolic I know that, but if it's not about losing him to the job I don't get it because I dealt with my own feeling of inadequacy in keeping his heart and attention over 3 years ago. And now that I've written all this out the dream itself has faded into obscurity leaving behind only this ball of anxiety in my sternum and a general sense of foreboding.
So from here on you may be getting dreams dropped into the middle of no where with no explanation so I can keep track of them.
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