Bliss

Yesterday morning I was awakened by Dash's caress for a little morning delight. I do not know where he is buying his bottled water lately but somebody get me the name of his supplier. I could get used to this!

Mind you I am in no way complaining it's just unusual. During the first 4 months of our relationship twice a day 3 times a week was normal, you know that 'newlywed stage'. The following 8 months dwindled slightly to once 3 times a week, still very respectable in my eyes. Then we moved from a small town where he was working 8 hour days to a huge city where he was working 12 hour days and spending 2 hours in transit.

Needless to say it dwindled further to once a week on his day off. Still livable. About 4 months into the second year it dwindled still further to once every 3 weeks, fighting had encroached our lives. (Not about sex).

Let me be absolutely clear here. I am a very sexual creature. I do NOT think sex is the end all be all of a healthy relationship but it makes me feel desired and somewhat secure. I think it's important to meet your partners needs.

Anyway, Dash says "sex should be an extension of the way you feel" (and I swoon) he also says "I don't NEED sex" (which for me hearing such a thing from a guy is like "yeah right"). And this is right about the time I have to remind myself Dash is definitely NOT like other guys.

SO, let me illustrate. We both decided to quite smoking on the same day. (Big mistake! HUGE!) A small spat about something so stupid I can't even remember what started it, this spat gains momentum and volume level on both sides, we're screaming at each other for like an hour, he gets in his car and leaves. I'm thinking "you fool, you've finally done it, drove him literally away - probably for good". I figured he'd go to a bar start drinking end up at a strip club and not come home 'til the next morning. Yeah it was that horrible. He comes back 15 minutes later, sits calmly down on the couch and in that voice of utter love and pain he says "So what do you want to yell about no".

Holy fuck the man came back so I could yell at him, get it out of my system so we could move on and that was when I knew there wasn't much on the planet I could do to make him stop loving me.

This man's soul thirsts for understanding, that his loyalty and honor insist he provide for his woman. Perfect peace, perfect happiness, no sacrifice large or small to ensure such things would be to much for him to make. He would undo his own world, his own happiness, his own dreams to give me anything I ask.

He is loving, patient, kind to everyone he meets, affectionate, understanding, patient I only say it again because it's alot when you have to deal with my array of shit. He is gorgeous, his eyes are like embers, light brown and a fire dances behind the iris, when he looks at me, he not only sees me but into me, he believes I can be everything, no... he believes I already am. Through his eyes I love who I am, who he makes me. Thru him I am truly and forever beautiful outside and in.

It is a love I've never known before or ever will again. That's cliche' and I'm probably making you sick with all this mushy stuff, but if I could give this gift to everyone in the world no matter the personal cost to me I would wish it. Wish it for you, wish it for people I hate.

They say the kind of love twin flames have(which is so much more than soul mates) burn so intensely that they can not remain together. But his heart, his soul, his mind (which I loved even before I ever saw him) were forged in dragon's breath fire and I was the blue flame. We are of the same mold, the same medal. There is no place on earth, in the cosmos on this fucking hell of a planet that I belong the way I belong to and with him. It is a love that transcends death, time, and yes even eternity...

Darkness

Last night Dash and I went to a surprise party for one of his friends Jaz The first time I've been on the town with the pure intent of finding oblivion thru alcohol in a year. We spent entirely to much money there and I hit the glass ceiling presumably around 12:32 a.m. I say presumably because half way thru my 5th L.I.T. (Long Island Iced Tea) the glass ceiling broke all over my head and I was way to drunk, damn near too drunk to stand.

Dancing is fun, I don't often put away my inhibitions enough to dance in public, but intoxication helped me with that. I decided it was time to have my first meal of the day and that took care of it, I don't mind being slightly numb and painless but out of control is to much for me to handle.

I always used to wonder when Dash went out with his buds what the hell he could do in or out of the bar until 5 a.m. I guess now I know. And I wonder why people who are drunk think eating greasy spoon food after the bar closes is a good idea? I of course take the least chunky upchuck factor I can find if it comes back out smooth so much the better.

After that we all crashed at the nearest of the party fiends' houses, thus walking or crawling (in some cases) is better than driving ~ smarter too, never let it be said that ALL drunks are stupid. The group of the 6 of us never once entertained the thought that we could operate speeding machinery.

We finally managed to meander home around 11 a.m. took a 4 hour nap and woke up feeling awful, not a hang over - those are marked by headaches and an aversion to noise right? In either case I had neither but laked the motivation to get off the couch until now.

I am however left with this dark wallowy lower than blah feeling, got this song rerunning in my head ~

Out of this world
Bush

When we die we go into the arms of those that remember us
We are home now out of our heads out of our minds
Out of this world out of our time

Are you drowning or waving
I just want you to save me
Should we try to get along
Just try to get along

So we move we change by the speed of the choices that we make
And the barriers are all self-made
That's so retrograde

Are you drowning or waving
I just need you to save me
Should we try to get along
Try to get along

I am alive
I am awake to the trials and confusion we create
There are times when I feel we're about to break
When there's too much to say
We are home now out of our heads out of our minds
Out of this world out of this time

Out of this time
Out of this time

The darkness presses in around me and I want the mistress night to envelope and caress my soul, take me deep, rape me hard, toss me into the abyss and let me float on the fog of near death until he takes me and uses me. I am slave to his romance. Abuse my will, make me serve thee, degrade me, punish me and leave me lonely to die in my dreams.

Blah

I've been reading over other journals and taking quizzes at Quizzilla. My initiative to finish the first book "Retreating Hearts" is waning, the second book "Embrace" is screaming to be started, if I don't finish the 1st one I'm afraid I never will but my mood has turned as with the circumstances of my life. RH is of course my pain of loss and loneliness on the page while Dash and I were parted, but now that we're together again (brief summer vacation) I find myself romanced by the darkness, the danger of seduction is fair more powerful than the sorrow I felt only 2 months ago.

I was also wondering earlier today if the grunts and groans people make during sex is because they forget to breath while enthralled? It strikes me as funny and I can't remember if I allow myself to breathe. I must or I'da been dead long ago.

Woohoo

Let's see Wednesday night Dash had his first night on the job as mobile manager. He came home 90 minutes in to retrieve his cell and while he seemed rushed there was a glow to his cheeks a fire in his eyes, a slight complaint about all the work he's going to have to do to whip it into shape but he loves it I can tell. Then noon yesterday we went to look at the house we want to rent, we're going to take it, twice the room of this basement hovel and twice the rent oh well, it'll be worth it. And Dash did all this on 2 hours of sleep then back to bed for another 4. When I went to wake him Woohoo ensued. And then again about 6 hours later. I don't know what has gotten into him, but I LIKE it!!! Going from 12 hour days to management with full reign of your constituents plus a raise, a new excellent house in the works and a pair of fairly tight jeans are the recipe for attraction around here.

History

Do you want to know my sordid 'lil secrets instead of telling me yours? If so read on...

So here it is hum drum and repetitive most likely. I'll begin with my mundane brief history.

I was born in the winter of '73. Therefore I love snow and Christmas. My father was in the Navy until '92 so I've lived in Missouri, Colorado, Virginia, and Florida. I have visited North Carolina, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Arizona and Nevada. I graduated High School in '92. My favorite subjects were English and Algebra.

I attended various colleges but acquired no degrees in anything. I had my first child a year to the day I graduated high school. At the age of 19 I could barely care for myself so I surrendered custody to his father. 2 years later I married and had a daughter. Not quite a year later I was a widow. Trying to deal with such a heavy burden as mortality I wandered looking for myself in all the wrong places and people for about 6 years before

...Lost in solitude I did write letters unto my heart, and in the stillness of that dark abyss it did answer...

getting stupid drunk and finding myself in a chat room and giving out my e-mail address to a perfect stranger. He was married but getting a divorce and so we had sorrow to spare between us. I took solace in this new friendship and before I knew what happened I found myself traveling to Canada to meet a man I hardly knew. I had never been out of the country before and knew no one else in Canada.

Shortly thereafter I moved to Ottawa to attend yet another school and moved in with that same stranger. Now, 2 1/2 years later we are still together, it gets more lovely everyday. I did not think such love could exist outside of fairy tales and movies but it does! Cliche' I know but it's the truth.

Currently I have decided to write my first novel and he is taking the police exam in February. In those 2 1/2 years we have only had 2 real serious problems but he makes it so easy to love him and love makes it easy to move mountains. Immigration is no peach but other than that life is pretty damn good.

Rant

Rage is hard to hold. It will consume you completely from the inside out. The reason for my rage is usually frustration. Sometimes I feel further apart from people when I'm among them than when I'm all alone.

Do you think anyone really understands you? if so, who?

I think my friends and family skim the surface of understanding. But how could anyone really understand me when most of the time I don't understand myself. There is however one person on the planet who seems to know things about me even I didn't know and that's why he's my best friend. My boyfriend seems to get me but I tend to think the things that mystify us both about the other is the reason it works so well.

Explainations

The question of the day is: Why do I write a journal that isn't always about my daily life?

As far as my everyday goes I'm just an ordinary lady with an un-extraordinary existence. I am semi-retired. I am for all intents and purposes a house wife, a mother, a girlfriend. My duties include the mundane wash the dishes, clean the house, cook the meals, do the laundry, take the kid to school, pick the boyfriend up at the subway station. No one wants to hear another stay at homer complain about the same things day in and day out. I am more interested in learning about people in general. I am also trying to write my first novel. I know it's a cliche'. These questions and the way in which you might reply interests me and further my understanding of same.

Relationship Milestones

The question of the day is: What are the most significant milestones for you in the evolution of an intimate, committed relationship? For examples, in what ways do your expectations change when you first kiss and hold someone? First say you love someone? Start seeing someone exclusively? Or first mention marriage?

When I first meet someone as a single person, the initial dialog is to find out if the person has depth and common interests with me. Depending on the resulting chemistry or lack there of and their reaction to me sets the tone for the furtherment of the relationship. Will it be romantic or friendly is determined either in the first date or the 3rd usually. Once the courtship is established the thrill of the first kiss can not be matched and will either further the chemistry or tank but I reserve judgment, a bad kisser does not a problem always make. The question becomes longevity and whether or not the person has the constitution to put up with my array of shit. The longest relationship I've ever had romantically was 5 1/2 hell years, mostly we stayed together because neither of us wanted to try dating again as we hated it, we had a comfort level for each others BS and a partner for sex when ever the urge tickled us, better than being alone or rejected it seemed. I try to keep the "I love you's" to a bare minimum before the exclusivity of a thing and marriage after a certain amount of time amounts to fish or cut bait pal. But that was then and now I want my damned happily ever after.