Bad Bad Brain

I'm having a bad day inside my head.

It started with me wondering what exactly he's said to his family about our "problems". He claims only to have told his parents that we are having some but with no details. Now mind you his mom and sister have never really liked me. The mother because I would not agree with everything she said and I'm not Polish. The sister because for the first 2 years she believed I had broken up her brother's marriage. There are many other minute issues I'll not delve into.

I keep telling myself what they think doesn't matter only what he wants really amounts to anything and that regardless of what he deems worthy to tell them is his perogative because they are his support system and he is entitled to their support, understanding and advice. It's the advice I really worry about since they don't like me I expect them to encourage him to leave me. Plus I may have to attend another family function soon and fear for my comfort level not knowing what they know.

This moved me into thoughts of what he really thinks and what is he really saying when I am not there to defend myself. Which of course brought me to thoughts of self-depreciation. Damn it I thought I was through with this awful feeling.

When I tell him how I feel now he says only that that's how I feel and he can't change my feelings. He doesn't even bother to rebuke that which he disagrees with because he says I will believe only what I want to - which in fairness is probably true.

He's not home yet and I keep repeating to myself,"Wait and see what his mood is like. Have a good day." This is not working. God how I hate this uncertainty I create. I used to be so alive, so happy, so clueless. I never worried about this shit before. Why can't I believe in myself?

And Then . . .

I've tried 3 times to start this post and I simply don't know where to begin and I'm sort of afraid if I type it I'll jinx it so let's start with the worst move to the sad and I'll try to get us around to the better.

The worst is I'm still sexually deprived.

Here's the sad . . .

A week or so ago Farjef (co-worker) and I had been kidding around at work about my being deprived and now that he was single he could service me. This ABSOLUTELY was a joke because Farjef is most assuredly afraid Dash will rip his arms off and beat him to death with the bloody ends AND he's a might young for me. Besides we really don't think of each other that way but we play.

Any-old-way on his way past me he grabs my bum! I was shocked of course. The reason wasn't what you'd expect. It was because it had been so long since anyone had handled that part of my anatomy. I froze because the feeling had become alien to me. I'd noticed previous to this when Farjef and I would hug hello that it felt a little to nice, not in a sexual way just a human connection kind of way.

And then . . . 2 days ago McG (MGR) got a spot of good work related news grabbed both my shoulders and started bouncing up and down for joy. Again I was visited by this deer in headlights fright at being touched and I froze.

I've also noticed something else in my responses to touch, one night as we were getting ready for bed Dash laid across me to give me a hug, I kissed his neck and noticed how warm his skin was and underneath my lips I could feel his pulse.

These kind of things I never really paid much attention to that I now revel in, the heat of the human body, the quickening of another pulse and the electricity when bodies meet is strange to me. The freezing when anyone gets close to me I've experienced only one time before . . .

When my husband died everyone wanted to hug and touch me and I didn't want any thing to do with it. In my mind the one person who had the right to touch me was dead and I didn't want anyone not even my parents to take what was his.

I hadn't realized until McG grabbed me that since Dash wasn't touching me that I was making sure that I was not in close enough proximity to anyone for them to touch me. I do recall pushing off a few well meant hugs of condolence for when I'm sad but I wasn't aware the extent to which I've been making my isolation.

I don't think many people realize how much being touched and touching of others is necessary for mental well being what's sad is I am now painfully aware of it.

The better runs slowly but it is moving in a good direction. One night after another failed attempt at intercourse I was sitting alone sulking, smoking and wracking my brain about what else I could do to fix this.

Dash's check list of what he wants from me goes like this:

Stop expecting him to fail. Check, now I'm just disappointed when he does.
Stop being suspicious. Check, can't stop him if he's going to do something wrong - control issue managed.
Stop the BS. Check, when something not good is said or done I think about why it bothered me so much and why it should matter and the bomb in my head is defused.
Trust him. Hmmm. Well I trust him not to cheat on me. I trust him to tell me the truth. But what's this - I don't trust him to love me.

And then I thought about why he should/would. Haven't really been acting like me - moping, sad and deflated all the time. Well what the hell am I proud of myself for - so I started a weekly check what have I done that I am proud of.

I went to bed thinking all this stuff and woke up to the feeling as though the bad everyday was over. At first I was suspicious of my optimism been here done that got disappointed over and over and over but then I noticed it in him. He has begun to tell me about his weekends away, how his day was at work and asking me about mine without prompting. This is WAY new.

As well as he's reaching out to hold my hand instead of me going to him. Watching shows with the whole family for like 2 days in a row. He called my cell the other day to keep me informed and then came by the store (something he hasn't done for about 2 months) not once but twice. He's smiling more and joking a little.

Please, please don't let this be a jinx. It feels more normal like one day I just woke up and it was over. It isn't what it was yet and it may never be the same again. I can live with that - the only constant is change, maybe it'll just be different - in the best sort of way. I has pretty much despaired of us ever getting through this but I always believed it had the potential to be good again. I simply wasn't sure if we'd be able to tap into that potential with all that's happened, there was pain and bitterness - justified on both sides - that either of us might not have been able to forgive.

I can see a light now, however small and that means it isn't hopeless. As I've said before HOPE is all I NEED. I can deal with disappointment but without HOPE there's no point. And YES I love him even when it's sometimes hard to remember or feel. I will ALWAYS love him, I have loved him since I was 16 - once upon a dream.

And that is why WE are both still here. I'm not saying it isn't hard sometimes and I sort of wish more people would talk about the hard part and how they got through it and what really happened but even I couldn't bring myself to tell the details because you know what people will say and you convince yourself that it's different and unfortunately more often than not it isn't different and you should have done what others advised but sometimes it really isn't like anyone else's experiences.

Dash and I have always had a special dynamic and it works out that, that makes all the difference. We aren't typical or standard and that works for us. Now if I could only remember that.

No Hope

I haven't told him I loved him in 5 days. He said it on Wednesday but I honestly don't think he even notices I haven't. There were no kisses or hugs yesterday either which I am sure he attributes to his being sick and my not wanting to catch it.

After last night I'm not even sure I do love him anymore. I have been making efforts to make positive changes in my attitude, exercise, diet and job. I have even made it so far as to be mildly happy.

While I am trying to convince him he needs to stay home, go see a doctor and get better- which he is refusing saying all the Doctor will do is send him home tell him to rest and drink plenty of fluids plus time off means he isn't making money. I decided to reinforce that a Doctor can write him a prescription for antibiotics and that I may have a new job in the offing - he starts telling me not to get my hopes up over this possible opportunity and how he's heard the same lines before.

He says he doesn't want me to get my hopes up because I might be disappointed. I asked what was wrong with hope, he says nothing I just don't want you to get hurt. If there is no hope why would anyone do anything?

Night before last he was counseling a friend to never get married again because and I quote,"(Friend's name) you have even worse luck with women than I do."

I was taken aback, sort of felt like I should be offended and decided I was used to him saying thoughtless things that hurt me and didn't care enough to let it bother me. He says he was talking about his ex but it did give me a shock to realize he won't ever want to marry me and why. Then he'd be attached to another dead weight bad luck girl.

I bought a balance ball yesterday to help with my workouts as I am completely into it, this time I will succeed! Not because he wants it but because I am determined to be who I want to inside and out regardless of what others think. Up to this point he's been telling me he doesn't understand why I prefer to spend money going out to eat instead of on things that I want that will help me be prettier and feel better about myself. I asked if that was what he really wanted? He said "YES"!

However upon seeing the balance ball the first thing he says is,"Where are you going to keep that?" I was inwardly seething because his tone sounded like "why the hell did you waste money on that thing - that will never be used and is worthless" when asked he said he gave it 2 days before the cats popped it.

Really beginning to think I need to remove any and all negative influences in my life and it seems like anymore that's all he is. So why in the hell can't I tell him to leave? I mean I actually started to believe that I was all the reason for my sadness but it turns out Dash-zilla is the one tromping all my hopes and beliefs of positive possibilities into the ground and I am letting him. I've spent this entire day deflated and have plans to be anywhere that is else when he gets home.

What more can he do to me that he hasn't already done, I'm so heart-broken. He's betrayed me and apologized. He's demoralized me and makes plausible excuses. He's made our relationship into an asexual platonic wreck. Hell he even used to be my best friend but if you asked him right now what was going on in my life he wouldn't have the first clue because he doesn't ask and I don't want to tell him for fear of getting kicked in the teeth for finding some solace in hope.

Rejection Hell

Aug. 6th was the last time Dash and I have been intimate. Granted we weren’t supposed to be having relations due to my medical issues then but 6 weeks after surgery was Oct. 7th. I further allow that by Oct 7th our relationship problems were only just coming back from the land of “way out of control”. I also realize timing for my monthly visit and his subsequent illness kept us both from having the will or ability to follow through on any such activities.

I understand that he’s been sick, tired, and hurt his hands (got into a fight with a television – the tube is stronger than it looks). I accept that between financial, work and relationship stress (now when I say relationship stress I mean almost to the breaking point stress) that communion between the sexes wasn’t under the ideal conditions.

I agree that physically I could use some work. When I think about what I like about my body there isn’t much I would personally find enticing. This is hard for me to admit because I am rather ashamed of what follows but the list of things I would like to change includes:

Losing 26 pounds – smaller butt, flatter abs. (over the last month I’ve averaged 4 workouts a week, lost ½ inch on my bum and 2 lbs.)
Clearing up my acne. (costs money which is a slippery slope right now)
Addressing my athelete’s foot. (currently on 12 weeks of medication)
Gaining control of the chest break-outs.
Smoothing the skin on my legs. (exfoliating 3x a week and using lotion)

And eventually as a reward for losing the weight I would like to have a breast lift. That said the only thing he has admitted he would like is the weight loss and acne. With a guy smile and a wicked grin he has also said the breast lift wouldn’t hurt his feelings, most men wouldn’t mind a bit more in that area so it’s typical.

Having typed all of that out definitely shows that I really can’t blame him and yes I was absolutely honest with my feelings. However . . .

Last night as we were getting comfortable to sleep I rolled over to cuddle with the merest thought that maybe my being close could start something but not with any real intent, he giggled and told me a story about the monster under the bed, I joked right back and he left me an opening to try for at least oral. Of course his ticklishness and his removing my hand from his member put that to a grinding halt.

I rolled away and went to sleep. I can’t help that his rejection hurts EVERY single time it happens and since I am the one who always initiates I can’t help that it makes me feel inadequate in some way.

Admittedly our relationship is strengthening, and has only really felt anywhere close to normal for the last 2 weeks. For me though that connection to strengthen the romantic bond between us is not only wanted but bordering on necessary.

Knowing I can't blame him because it isn't his fault doesn't make me feel any better. I guess some part of me believes that if you REALLY love someone that the outside doesn't matter and you can and are still intimate with the person you proclaim to love because that feeling overwhelms you and manifests into something physical and beautiful between you.

A little voice inside my head that sounds amazingly like Dash just said,"I'm not ruled by my emotions."

"Okay," says I,"but can't they at least be strong enough to move you to passion?"

Only silence remains . . .

Father Kelly

I dreamed of Father Kelly last night. His kiss was sweet as honeysuckle nectar, his breath was consuming. The two of us wrapped under the midnight stars as he worshiped my very essence.

I'm going to hell because I want him just as much in reality!