Dough, a dear dilemma...

Fa, a long long way to go...

Well I left you on the cusp of Dash and I making up. Even though he and I have agreed that we would endeavor to communicate much more better (yes I meant to type it like that) where the Bug is concerned, that not only should the rules be upheld with a fair amount of consistency as well as her good deeds being rewarded and positively reinforced, and that we shall hold all discussions of a decisive nature behind closed doors until such times as a compromise can be reached the two of them still cannot get along.

I didn't exactly expect it to work overnight. I think Bug has it in her head that I am her female co-conspirator and because I empathize with her plight and discuss with her ways to handle their relationship that I have taken her side. So night before last I put my foot down with both of them. I said,"Until further notice he (Dash) is your parent. Any and all requests must be made to him and through him. I'm tired of being stuck in the middle. I resign as a parental unit until such time as the two of you can get along because I refuse to give either of you up." Figuratively I have just locked the two children in a room and told them to work it out on their own.

Last night they said they worked it out over a father, daughter dinner. I'm laughing, do they really think I'm going to believe that in one night in less than an hour they are completely harmonious? I'm going to reserve judgment for a while because seeing is believing.

Me a name I call myself...

Turning our attention to our careers, let's see at 3 weeks in my new post at RCI I was written up for making a sell to a woman with a stolen credit card and costing the company $500.

At 4 weeks we attended the company Christmas party ~ it kind of sucked. $35 for 2 dinners 2 hours late, dessert not enough portion size and another hour late, 2 beers for $15 (non-import) no dancing and one migraine headache later. However I have decided while I am still waiting for the real work to begin that this is most definitely my new and absolute favoritest dysfunctional family ~ I certainly belong with these people.

Ray a drop of golden sun...

5 Golden weeks and the company's restructuring has me looking at a promotion and a raise by month 5, but it's up to me to make a choice between promotion to team leader or $2k a month raise. Written out like that it would seem like the choice should be clear but it isn't because...

Dash has passed his written exam and is now in the paper chase process of the next stage of a career shift that could have us literally moving to a part of Canada that has no roads inside a year.

So, a needle pulling thread...

By unanimous family decision Christmas has been canceled this year, I was doing my best Bah humbug impression but my carefree demeanor has begun to slip. I am warming to the everyday snow showers. I LOVE SNOW!!! And though I promised no tree on my birthday (12 days before Christmas ~ a tradition I have not skipped once in my 34 years) or decorations I have begun to notice a downward spiral in my spirit.

I don't know if it's the lack of intimacy of late that is a direction correlation to Dash's work related stress and my 10 day flu outbreak or my voluntary suppression of my favorite holiday and all it's tinsel goodness. It could be money stress, which by the way was the main reason I opted out of this holiday hassle or it could possibly be a sign of PMS but I am rapidly sinking into a funk I fear will be a repeat of last year. Sigh!

And that would bring us back to doh!

The Old Ballgame

Turns out Dash has been holding a few to many irritations on one particular situation for far to long.

You see the Ladybug (daughter) and I come as a package and given the fact that for the majority of her life I have been the sole consistency in her life she defers to me for every decision. It had been this way for the first 7 years of her life, enter Dash. Add 2 years before he or I want him to take any responsibility for raising her and that's 9 years. It is incredibly difficult for her or I to remember to keep him in the loop when rules are made or changed.

Strike 1 ~ Dash is a mushroom, keep him in the dark and feed him shit!

The last 6 months Dash and I have been mentally and physically drained and so have let all of the rules slide where she was concerned. She went away for the summer and everyone she came in contact with gave her way to much (whether she asked for it or not). So her attitude and expectation decline to almost bratty where matereialism is concerned.

Strike 2 ~ Inconsistency = mayhem!

During all of this I have sort of been overriding Dash in front of her because I was to tired and didn't want to listen to them quibble. He has a bit of a tenancy to argue with her it sort of boils down to the equivalent of . . .

"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not"

. . . bickering! It's hard to sit back and watch him learn how to discipline her when you can see the train wreck coming.

Strike 3 ~ Dash's authority is removed!

On top of that he had gotten it in his head that he had to agree with my every opinion or I was angry. I enjoy our differences and debating. It is important to me for us to work towards compromise and communication and that the rules are not driven by only one person!

More later he is awake . . .

Something's amiss...

Ever since Dash picked me up from work last night he has been more quiet than usual. When asked how his day at work was he says "The Usual." When asked if I have made him mad, irritated, frustrated or anything else negative he says "No more than usual."

This morning when kissing me goodbye on his way out to work I asked him if he was better and he said "We'll see." This is really bothering me. I can tell something is wrong and that he isn't telling me so I follow him down the stairs and ask him not to play mind games with me, but to tell me the truth. He says he isn't playing mind games but still refuses to tell me anything.

When asked if he loves me he says "Yes". I can not think what else to ask. He kisses me one more time and he's off to work. So here I sit trying to figure out what the hell is going on? What the hell is wrong? What the hell have I done now?

Dash Sees Red

So Monday being my first day and all, I have tapped that part of Dash's heart that swells with pride. I deeply adore that he is supportive, patient and always standing there to catch me when I fall or pat me on the back when I succeed but sometimes it's the weirdest feeling in the world. His brown eyes dance with a flame of awe, this happens to be my favorite of all the looks he can give me, but often as not fear I will fail his expectations or disappoint him.

At any rate because of the nature of my previous job I really haven't had the time nor energy to be pretty. I mean, who exactly would I be trying to impress, the horses? Let's bother to take that a step further and say I bothered to dress up for the barn, in a matter of 15 minutes I will have my $60 designer jeans covered in either hay or horse snot because they sneeze and for some reason they must do this when you are standing next to their nose and of course their mouth shall be full of munched hay so they spray chunks of this all over your arm. Wait a minute! Are they perhaps allergic to the perfume you swathed on this morning? In another 30 minutes I will be wading around the piss wet pine shavings and slinging shit around the stall so the $120 sneakers are going to not only be full of said shavings poking me through my socks but when I finally take my shoes off they are going to smell like something died in them.

Enough frivolity and on to the point, I had done my hair and face and was wearing jeans purchased the weekend before while he was away. Jeans bought with the express purpose of bringing my clothing style into current fashion and to enable the tossage of certain 38lb overweight jeans in the garbage so as not enable me to gain weight again. I will NOT, be that size and weight again anytime in the near future!!!

So Dash comes home from work, I of course am scurrying around the kitchen preparing dinner and he can't stop saying,"I love your ass in those jeans!" Of course our roommate Will is standing there laughing his ass off, poor guy (divorcing ~ hence the new roommate ~ I mentioned him before in the old blog *reference Kanga or Roo) been feeling lonely of late and watching Dash chase me around the kitchen goosing me, caressing me and nibbling of my neck.

Now normally mind you I would be all over this kind of action from Dash because I have only recently figured out how to trip his trigger on purpose and when I want to. Usually he drives the sex bus, it's so totally frustrating at times!!! However I wouldn't dream of coming between my man and his dinner, wouldn't work anyway. So Will not feeling well (I think it was the 2 grown ups chasing each other around like teenagers that did him in, seriously we were the gag me twins!) goes to bed while we settle in front of the TV to eat. This is usually the time when Dash is tired cause it's Monday (those always suck the energy right out of you), full-bellied cause I'm a better than decent cook and nodding off in front of the TV. I get up to turn off certain lights, as must be done when you have a pre-teen in the house and 2 child like men to pick up after.

After a pass or two by Dash I notice his eyes are magnetized to my rear end. It was rather entertaining kind of like shaking string in front of a cat. He's all reclined out in the rocker and reaches out with one hand snags me, pulls me into his lap and begins nuzzling my neck, whispering in my ear and grabbing my boobs. I'm giggling like a school girl and my 12 year old daughter has now groaned in deep t'ween disgust and turned her I-pod volume to maximum.

I can tell he's serious and I'm rather enjoying the attention as he has now aroused himself 3 times in attempts to arouse me, which generally works but this time it is back firing on him and he's not used to this! Suddenly I have all the control and it's making him want to chase imaginary bugs!!! So I say,"Latta for you. Much later."

He kind of draws back and sighs,"Like a week later, kind of thing?"

I nod. I don't know about you but I do NOT like any kind of play going on down there when I am all a mess. I prize hygiene and am a devout believer that nothing bad should be served to your lover especially a considerate one! This would have been end game except he just could not keep his hands to himself. I warned him and warned him but his desire could not be swayed.

Finally he chases me giggling and screeching up the stairs and into the bedroom. So I thought okay we're going to play it like we are teens a little dry hump on top of the clothes, grouping and mouth action to satisfy him but, uhm... dude went for the red towels and stripped my clothes off in a flash. He's in such a panic to bed me that he's trying to hard and looses the solid.

Truly this only ever happens when he is dead-assed tired. I am always understanding and NEVER question him about why. Typically we would cuddle and the passion would just sort of fade out and we'd go back to watching TV or what have you. He however has yet to give up. He's kissing me deeply, caressing me gently and I am doing my darnedest to help things along with my hand. We switch up our positions and while I am giving him the best naked lap dance of his life I cum. Suddenly I am sitting on a stone, I quickly jam his hardness into me and begin to furiously fuck him for fear he'll disappoint himself again and then get a complex.

He's not only ripping the shit out of the sides he's drilling that well as deep as it will go. It's sheer agony having him in my cervix and OH SO GREAT! I swear to you Will had to have been seriously sleep deaf and dead to the world I was making so much damn noise, like a wild tiger in a frenzy. I'm biting him, scratching him, rising so far off his cock and plunging down with the greatest of ease, arching my back so far my hair is taunting his testicles. His orgasm feels as if it's going to ripe straight through the top of my skull, sensitivity to the male genitalia be damned I was still riding that stallion to the edges of insanity and beyond.

Both sated, lying quietly he says,"I love making love to you." And I am thinking to myself wasn't no love in this room!

And he continues,"But fucking you is otherworldly." We took primal to a whole other dimension. I don't know where it came from or if I'll ever get to visit that plane of existence again but damn if it wasn't the best fuck I have given or received!

New Chapter

Originally I began my first blog at Diaryland in November of 2004, it was titled "Control Group" at the time I was attempting to write a novel ~ which to this day has not been finished but often nags at my memory like a neglected child ~ there were moments when I would lose the direction of the story and feel like I just didn't understand human nature. So I began the blog as a way to get strangers to interact with me, of course you know the experiment did not quite go as planned. I learned more about me in the 2 years I spent there than I ever dreamed possible. I can honestly say I am not exactly the person I was then, oh my core beliefs are intact but I guess I found direction for myself rather than an understanding of the human condition. I don't really think I'll ever understand our species as a whole but at least now I know how I want to approach my own existence and chisel out the form my life will take.

If you bother to visit my past (which might be in your best interest because I have no plans to backtrack more than the previous year) and read all of that, you might notice it ends rather abruptly. No explanation, no hints or clues not even a sorrowful goodbye although I have plans when I finish this post to go there and direct friends here.

The short version is I sank into a deep 5 month depression. I became reclusive, sullen and the insomnia went through the roof. I was jobless, grieving and about to be homeless (not an exaggeration). The other 7 months have been my attempt to rebuild our life. So with that in mind I shall begin by telling you about the reconstruction which actually begins back in May.

The beginning of May we had enlisted a real estate agent to help us in our search for a new home. The landlord refusing to winter proof the house (which would have meant a $700 a month heating bill - as the previous year had shown us, when it should have only been $150) as well as refusing to have the roof replaced even though we had notified him (the year before) of the leakage in our bedroom and mold falling from the ceiling onto our bed, flooding the bathroom and back-ups of the sewage line in the basement followed by his refusal to replace the washing machine that had gone tits up, we decided we'd had enough.

We managed to find a Non-Profit townhouse, with regular maintenance, $95 a month electricity bills, no more natural gas heat, driveway, garage and $241 a month cheaper than the Slum place we were living in. We filled out the application and were awaiting approval when we received the rather sad news one of our close friends had, had a stroke and died suddenly. In our haste to be with the remaining friends and family we asked our agent to notify our landlord and handle the rest of the paperwork to which he agreed.

We spent a week away always in constant contact with the agent making sure he had everything he needed and staying current of our status, only to return home to find out our current landlord had NOT been notified and had tried to cash a post dated check for another months rent. The new landlord had been given our remaining money and the old landlord is screaming foul. This managed to iron itself out but not without much gnashing of my teeth and pulling of my hair! We ended up with 3 days notice to move and 1 week before I was to start a new job.

That's right during all of that madness I managed to secure a paying gig working as a Stable hand mucking out horse stalls - that means shoveling shit for those of you who don't know. Tee-hehe. Dash (this would be my man) works with Mel whose mother Big S owns the barn whose friend Squire manages it. Mel bothered to inform me before my interview that Squire was not the easiest person to get along with. Lord, I am shaking my head. Deeply! Deeply, sorry for 2 reasons . . .

1. Never ever is it a good idea to try to form my opinion of another for me for I will set my will squarely against you and decide for myself!

. . . and . . .

2. I really, really, really should have listened!!!

Monday - Friday for the next 6 months my days and their good versus bad levels were based solely on her mood in the first 30 minutes of everyday. Now mind you as a person she is decent unfortunately her social skills or lack thereof drive even the stubbornest of us away.

Aside from that, after basically riding a desk for 10 years my poor body simply could not manage to adjust. I would come home drained physically, emotionally and mentally. I could not stand for more than an hour after work, I tried my best to render the negativity imposed on me daily to a nil effect and could not concentrate on the simplest of tasks. I would go to bed sometimes as early as 6 p.m. and either sleep for 12 hours or not be able to sleep at all. On top of all that I was paid for a part time job that I spent more than full time hours at but I had agreed to this when I signed on, little did I know what I was getting myself into. In the end it simply was not realistic for me to keep a job that had no pay raises, no promotions, no vacation time, no sick days and no benefits. It was a dead end and I knew it. So with a months notice I began the process again for the career I have wanted for the last 2 years - and GOT it!!!

~I do have to say thank you to the Barn for helping me lose those 38 lbs. though. I went from a size 16 at 188 lbs. to a size 10 150 lbs. ~

Monday was my first day with RCI. I slept in, I lounged for 3 hours before work, got there filled out paperwork, the store itself was dead I'd say in 4 hours only 10 people walked through those doors but there was always something to do and not in a constant state of rush, although I do believe Friday - Sunday will be a different story. I sort of spent all day yesterday feeling like I was doing something wrong and all day today trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my free time now that I have some and am not so physically wrought that I can't clean the house. So as of the moment we are back on track.

Next installment . . . "Dash Sees Red"