There has come a point in each day for the last 5 that I could not look upon the shambles and emptiness that is our lives and smile. I have become my father hiding in the whiskey, crying alone in a dark corner music playing to mask the sound.

He is happy I can see it on his face, eyes alight with a (singular) moment of normalcy and completely oblivious to my loneliness. I'm screaming on the inside while he rips the very soul from my body and he doesn't have a clue.

It's what he's calling "bullshit" and what I know to be my feelings. I have them I voice them or cry and it's "bullshit". So now I hide how I feel, I don't tell him a thing and cry in the darkness that is slowly darkening what remains of hope.

I fear by the time he gets his own head sorted out it'll be to late and I'll have extracted myself from the situation so far I can't come back. I found myself the other day not thinking of him at all and when I did it didn't have the feel of a boyfriend.

And what an absurd notion at 35 - having a boyfriend is for high schoolers - I'm just not marriage material I guess, to damaged, to much baggage. Who knows, his reasons go "no one keeps their vows these days" - thank you for the vote of confidence - and then he back pedals to "not that you wouldn't" I suppose that means he won't because it isn't supposed to be about anyone but the 2 of us.

Oh and to this I am sure I would hear "You think to much." Better than not thinking at all!!!

It's been 2 1/2 months since we had any kind of intimacy, but I have to give credit he's got 1 point on the "I love you" column to my none today but we're kiss for kiss at the moment and as for cuddling I'm one up. Suppose there's something wrong with my having a score board but that's the point right now - I have to!!!

No "I Love You"s yesterday.

You are the only man I have ever truly loved and while I might do it poorly it is never the less true.

Lost

I had everything I ever wanted. The man of my dreams walked righted out of those lonely nights right into my arms. He loved me and I him. We were happy the envy of all who knew us.

And I let my own insecurities infiltrate my heart because I didn't believe I deserved him, didn't believe I could ever be good enough.

Now my whole world is a nightmare. I'm surrounded by the memories of what we once had, it rips me in two. He's still here, says he still loves me, still wants me but I can feel time slipping away with every pulse.

Nothing feels real. For brief moments it almost feels normal and then I am left with what I have wrought. I'm so lost. I don't know how to get that magic back. I can't fix it. I wish I could.