Lilith's little experiments with Dashs' libido were fruitful. 2 to 1 I win. At least we know he's capable. So now the snot that is my dark half is sniveling this at me out of my subconscious.
This Time Lyrics
3 Doors Down
Unsure of yourself
you stand divided now.
Which road will lead you there
Last time you fell and you hit hard
Your wounds have healed by now
But you still see your scars yeah
But it’s not the way it use to be right now
You come so far to just let this go my friend
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Live on, live it up today
This life’s your cup
So drink it up I say, yeah
Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now
And walk that line, don’t let this go, don’t go out the
Same way you did the last time
Your break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
Drink it up
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You got to believe in yourself this time
I am sort of worried about her intent as last week she was working on the soundtrack for my demise. Hopefully she's just pissed because I went out and bought the happy pills that suppress her lunacy and lets sunshine into her dreary dungeon of heart.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A Moment Like This
Have you ever had a single moment in your life where joy is so prevalent you could exist in that one instance the rest of your life?
A gentle haze of fog swirls about ankle high, the only other movement is the little creek that meanders along the cobbled road, whispering it's laughter as it goes. Reminiscent of a little London the cobblestones curve out of sight round a pub.
The imperfect glass filters a warble of amber light onto the sidewalk. Through this glass is visible the cheerful patrons, a good portion of which are gathered across 3 tables near the front. Their conversations gaggle like geese and laughter bubbles up and flows across the bar in waves of regalia. Glasses clink in toast and as the seasoned waitress deftly picks up three at a time sweeping out of sight next to unnoticed.
A duo takes the stage, as opposite in appearance as two men can be. They are brothers in music and friends for life. Lights behind them narrow to a cone of ruby that washes over both. The music flows easily betwixt the crowd in the front as their boisterousness settles.
Introduction of the next song goes a little like this,"To Dash and Val we dedicate our next song as both of whom know what it feels like."
I flush in the face, I'm new to this tightly knit group and unaware at this time just how much the music binds them. Dash and I both smile waiting for that familiar chord that will give away the song. An unlikely song at that but "In the End" an accurate description of our previous relationships, without whose failure we might never have meet.
I am somewhat awed, riveted by the music and the meaning. Outside nature has begun to tap out her own melody. Dash's eyes glow in that special kind of way he has of looking at me sometimes. It's that look that I will later try to gain over and over again for it is that look in his eyes and his hand on the small of my back that says he is proud I belong to him, belong with him.
He grabs my hand and whisks me out into the night. Before I can ask where we are going or why, he's wrapped his warm arms around me and all I know is the complete consumption of his kiss. I don't even notice the rain streaking in rivulets through my hair and down my cheeks like tears. Tears I would most gladly shed for the perfection of his touch, the rapture of his kindly heart and the overwhelming love that even then threatened to break me upon the rocks of our dream swept sea.
It's 5 1/2 years later and I'm so moved by that moment still that I was just sitting here, huge smile on my face thinking it would be the perfect way for him to propose.
It's a cherished moment we can never recapture for the dance is done for one of the brothers DB. I hope that you have now or will find in the future that moment you can live in for they are a precious few.
A gentle haze of fog swirls about ankle high, the only other movement is the little creek that meanders along the cobbled road, whispering it's laughter as it goes. Reminiscent of a little London the cobblestones curve out of sight round a pub.
The imperfect glass filters a warble of amber light onto the sidewalk. Through this glass is visible the cheerful patrons, a good portion of which are gathered across 3 tables near the front. Their conversations gaggle like geese and laughter bubbles up and flows across the bar in waves of regalia. Glasses clink in toast and as the seasoned waitress deftly picks up three at a time sweeping out of sight next to unnoticed.
A duo takes the stage, as opposite in appearance as two men can be. They are brothers in music and friends for life. Lights behind them narrow to a cone of ruby that washes over both. The music flows easily betwixt the crowd in the front as their boisterousness settles.
Introduction of the next song goes a little like this,"To Dash and Val we dedicate our next song as both of whom know what it feels like."
I flush in the face, I'm new to this tightly knit group and unaware at this time just how much the music binds them. Dash and I both smile waiting for that familiar chord that will give away the song. An unlikely song at that but "In the End" an accurate description of our previous relationships, without whose failure we might never have meet.
I am somewhat awed, riveted by the music and the meaning. Outside nature has begun to tap out her own melody. Dash's eyes glow in that special kind of way he has of looking at me sometimes. It's that look that I will later try to gain over and over again for it is that look in his eyes and his hand on the small of my back that says he is proud I belong to him, belong with him.
He grabs my hand and whisks me out into the night. Before I can ask where we are going or why, he's wrapped his warm arms around me and all I know is the complete consumption of his kiss. I don't even notice the rain streaking in rivulets through my hair and down my cheeks like tears. Tears I would most gladly shed for the perfection of his touch, the rapture of his kindly heart and the overwhelming love that even then threatened to break me upon the rocks of our dream swept sea.
It's 5 1/2 years later and I'm so moved by that moment still that I was just sitting here, huge smile on my face thinking it would be the perfect way for him to propose.
It's a cherished moment we can never recapture for the dance is done for one of the brothers DB. I hope that you have now or will find in the future that moment you can live in for they are a precious few.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Heavy Sigh
I'm a different kind of sad today. The kind of sad you are when you're upset with yourself. The kind of sad where you sit around demoralizing oneself and eating things you aught have, especially when the sin that passed your lips is part of the reason you are in this damnable situation in the first friggin' place.
(Can you hear my accent when I type? No, just me then!)
So when I was working for the barn I lost 28 surprising pounds in 6 months. Well I found 14 (longlostandneverwantedtofindagain) pounds last night on the awful (truth telling) scale. Oh I had an inkling they were back since the size 12 pants I bought are to to snug now and the 14's are comfortable. Cry, Cry, for shame on me.
So since I no longer have a sabotage problem what with errant man who loves Doritos and chocolate chip cookies on a health kick and the brat being out voted 2 to 1 perhaps, mayhaps and possibly I can still manage to reach my goal weight of 145.
So, I've relogged myself into the Spark only to find I had forgotten most of what I learned only further proving to myself how egad awful lazy I am.
Heavy Le Sigh.
(Can you hear my accent when I type? No, just me then!)
So when I was working for the barn I lost 28 surprising pounds in 6 months. Well I found 14 (longlostandneverwantedtofindagain) pounds last night on the awful (truth telling) scale. Oh I had an inkling they were back since the size 12 pants I bought are to to snug now and the 14's are comfortable. Cry, Cry, for shame on me.
So since I no longer have a sabotage problem what with errant man who loves Doritos and chocolate chip cookies on a health kick and the brat being out voted 2 to 1 perhaps, mayhaps and possibly I can still manage to reach my goal weight of 145.
So, I've relogged myself into the Spark only to find I had forgotten most of what I learned only further proving to myself how egad awful lazy I am.
Heavy Le Sigh.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Killing me Softly
Heat.
The kind that radiates from one point and the mere imagining of such a moment warms.
Slow.
Slow, like she whispers my dreams to me from across the room. So vivid an image that I am there.
Now that's writing!
The kind that radiates from one point and the mere imagining of such a moment warms.
Slow.
Slow, like she whispers my dreams to me from across the room. So vivid an image that I am there.
Now that's writing!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Twitterpated
Oh but for all the witchin' in the world I am taken heart and soul by that man. He doesn't even have to be around to flutter~my~bies (that's butterflies in the stomach in case you don't speak Valanease). Today I went to get a towel out of the linen closet and pictured that fine form of his there fixing the door. A crooked little half smile crossed my lips and my eyes drooped to that sultry half open look.
The Ladybug did spy the mood change and asked what I was thinking. To which I stated,"I am smitten. Definitely Twitterpated."
She says,"I don't even want to know what that is." She's at that age where she has begun to notice certain adult activities and we make her sick on a regular basis without meaning to so she assumes almost anything to do with Dash is one of those "grown up gross things".
I couldn't help myself I laughed so hard and told her to consult Bambi's owl on the finer points of Twitterpation.
The Ladybug did spy the mood change and asked what I was thinking. To which I stated,"I am smitten. Definitely Twitterpated."
She says,"I don't even want to know what that is." She's at that age where she has begun to notice certain adult activities and we make her sick on a regular basis without meaning to so she assumes almost anything to do with Dash is one of those "grown up gross things".
I couldn't help myself I laughed so hard and told her to consult Bambi's owl on the finer points of Twitterpation.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Bittersweet
You know I find it almost ironic to have a boyfriend who once in a great while (as is natural and not at all meant as a slight to me) wonders why I can't look like those girls in a centerfold and yet back in the day when I was trying to lose weight (before the very physical barn job) wasn't entirely on the diet train with me, now has my full backing. No pun intended, nor perverse innuendo.
Don't get me wrong Dash is quite the "To good to be True, Prince Charming" who actually often exceeds those criteria. Case not in point:
This he gave to me after our last fight. But I digress. Yes back to the irony.
He quit smoking in order to become more healthy and pass the physical for career advancement. I quit smoking so he would continue to kiss me. I'm having problems staying quit.
I lost 11 lbs. with all kinds of temptation in the house because the 2 of them weren't on a diet. It is a widely held belief that part of the reason some dieters can't lose weight is because their spouse and/or children sabotage them by keeping things like chips, cookies and the like in the house and eat them in front of said dieter.
When he decides to become more healthy replacing his chips with fruit and his soda with orange juice I'm right there with him (not quite letting go of my soda just yet but will be replacing the non-diet portion of that with Green Chi Tea).
This sounds a goodly deal like bitching but it's merely a way for me to point out my finer qualities. I am equal parts supportive and helpful with just a smidgen of bitter. Okay? Okay.
Don't get me wrong Dash is quite the "To good to be True, Prince Charming" who actually often exceeds those criteria. Case not in point:
This he gave to me after our last fight. But I digress. Yes back to the irony.
He quit smoking in order to become more healthy and pass the physical for career advancement. I quit smoking so he would continue to kiss me. I'm having problems staying quit.
I lost 11 lbs. with all kinds of temptation in the house because the 2 of them weren't on a diet. It is a widely held belief that part of the reason some dieters can't lose weight is because their spouse and/or children sabotage them by keeping things like chips, cookies and the like in the house and eat them in front of said dieter.
When he decides to become more healthy replacing his chips with fruit and his soda with orange juice I'm right there with him (not quite letting go of my soda just yet but will be replacing the non-diet portion of that with Green Chi Tea).
This sounds a goodly deal like bitching but it's merely a way for me to point out my finer qualities. I am equal parts supportive and helpful with just a smidgen of bitter. Okay? Okay.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Subliminal Messages
Lilith has spoken!
Heaven's Coming Down
The Tea Party
With nothing to lose you'd waste away.
Obscure, in exile.
They've witnessed the times
you've gone astray
whose fault? Now you're thinking...
There's nothing to prove,
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
and it feels now
just like heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
So strange are the ways,
they all have changed.
Still life it stays the same
a break from the past
could make it last,
maybe just a little longer.
There's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
You surrender,
love under will.
Rest assured you're adored,
And it feels now
just lie heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
This time, no tears,
just one last chance to see you prove.
Stay strong, no fears,
there is a change that's
coming through
hold on my love
hold on...
For those of you that don't know Lilith is what I decided to name my dark half. She is neither an alter-ego nor an alternate personality. I do not see her as separate from myself (although I often talk about her as though she is an entity unto herself) . I honestly believe she is the part of me that was fractured into existence under childhood trauma, and her main purpose is to protect me. With little to no necessity for her services anymore, the protector has become the subconscious and has mutated into a twisted humor and rudeness I don't allow for the general public. I once tried to (symbolically) kill her and discovered that the only way to save me was to embrace her. She is a part of me and I love her. Call me crazy if you want. All that proves to me is you are in denial about your own inner demons - EVERYONE has a dark side!!! I'm just honest.
Heaven's Coming Down
The Tea Party
With nothing to lose you'd waste away.
Obscure, in exile.
They've witnessed the times
you've gone astray
whose fault? Now you're thinking...
There's nothing to prove,
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
and it feels now
just like heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
So strange are the ways,
they all have changed.
Still life it stays the same
a break from the past
could make it last,
maybe just a little longer.
There's nothing to prove
a message from the crowd
to the shore...
You surrender,
love under will.
Rest assured you're adored,
And it feels now
just lie heaven's coming down.
Your soul shakes free
as its conscience hits the ground.
This time, no tears,
just one last chance to see you prove.
Stay strong, no fears,
there is a change that's
coming through
hold on my love
hold on...
For those of you that don't know Lilith is what I decided to name my dark half. She is neither an alter-ego nor an alternate personality. I do not see her as separate from myself (although I often talk about her as though she is an entity unto herself) . I honestly believe she is the part of me that was fractured into existence under childhood trauma, and her main purpose is to protect me. With little to no necessity for her services anymore, the protector has become the subconscious and has mutated into a twisted humor and rudeness I don't allow for the general public. I once tried to (symbolically) kill her and discovered that the only way to save me was to embrace her. She is a part of me and I love her. Call me crazy if you want. All that proves to me is you are in denial about your own inner demons - EVERYONE has a dark side!!! I'm just honest.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
I am SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder). I used to think people claiming to suffer from this condition were full of it, then I moved to Canada. My first winter here was 6 solid months of stir crazy solitary and gloominess. The last 2 years winter sort of skimmed us here in the north and I knew I was going to be towing a line this year when it snowed in November. I'm beginning to think there is some other underlying issue this year because I feel like all 3 characters from The Shining are at war for control of my psyche lately.
Aside from my lack of ability to concentrate, sleeping 10 hours once I've completely exhausted myself into tortured sleep where nightmares plague my subconscious and the subsequent over analysis of certain anxieties, my need to nibble all the time (which may or may not be a throw back to the fact I quit smoking in November) I am also disconnecting or conversely over reacting to things that come into my purview.
What's worse is the common attitude about SAD is that it is a direct result of less light but I get plenty of that we have large windows all along the front of our store at work and I ride my bike to work 3 times a week so I am getting exercise and fresh air.
I've begun to wonder if the Bi-polar Bear in my family has finally come out of hibernation in me. This is the scariest of my depressive worries, everything else I can handle on my own. This one would actually need a doctor and I so don't want to play the let's analyze me game.
I know I am depressed it's the why part I can't find. This assessment is based on typical symptoms like being tired all the time but unable to sleep, bouts of uncontrollable crying (and at the most inappropriate times), a sense of hopelessness, spending money extravagantly (as though trying to buy my happiness - which I rationally know to not work) or is it all psychosomatic? At this point I really don't care I just want the mania that is my mood swings to stop causing me to lash out at the ones I love and to that end I'm going to try to self medicate with Omega 3 happy pills tomorrow and see if I can make it to May before I do something drastic like having my head shrunk.
Aside from my lack of ability to concentrate, sleeping 10 hours once I've completely exhausted myself into tortured sleep where nightmares plague my subconscious and the subsequent over analysis of certain anxieties, my need to nibble all the time (which may or may not be a throw back to the fact I quit smoking in November) I am also disconnecting or conversely over reacting to things that come into my purview.
What's worse is the common attitude about SAD is that it is a direct result of less light but I get plenty of that we have large windows all along the front of our store at work and I ride my bike to work 3 times a week so I am getting exercise and fresh air.
I've begun to wonder if the Bi-polar Bear in my family has finally come out of hibernation in me. This is the scariest of my depressive worries, everything else I can handle on my own. This one would actually need a doctor and I so don't want to play the let's analyze me game.
I know I am depressed it's the why part I can't find. This assessment is based on typical symptoms like being tired all the time but unable to sleep, bouts of uncontrollable crying (and at the most inappropriate times), a sense of hopelessness, spending money extravagantly (as though trying to buy my happiness - which I rationally know to not work) or is it all psychosomatic? At this point I really don't care I just want the mania that is my mood swings to stop causing me to lash out at the ones I love and to that end I'm going to try to self medicate with Omega 3 happy pills tomorrow and see if I can make it to May before I do something drastic like having my head shrunk.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
M - o - o - n Spells Weird
Career updates go like this, at 6 weeks I closed for the first time and basically left the door unlocked. I got off with a warning. My newest manager ORB has been mentoring me towards the 2k raise but last week we decided to slow down because I was suffocating under the pressure I put upon my self. The reviews due to the restructuring have been completed and the interviews have commenced, I have been informed I am still to new to receive one and therefore will not. On top of all that we shall be getting a new manager come February. That makes 3 managers in 3 months for me. Can you say Weeeeeeeeee?!?!
Dash has sent off his paperwork and received one phone call for clarification and is awaiting the call to schedule his interview. He's all nerves as am I.
Due to our career stresses and overtime we've had 3 fights already, one on Christmas day about spending time together, one on New Years day about whether or not we could afford to buy me a car and one last week about sex. Most of these boil down to a break down of communication in one way or another. Simple misunderstandings and I am beginning to think there is something wrong with 2008. Perhaps the alignment of the stars has thrown the magnetic core out of whack or something but it just ain't right.
I finally figured out what my funk was all about, while we were skipping the holiday hustle and bustle to buy gifts for others we were picking up the slack by working in retail(me) over the holidays, working doubles (both) and days we were supposed to have off volunteering often(me) and working past bone weary (him) right into the grave (wistful thinking sometimes - hehe).
Now that all the hub-bub has passed all of my co-workers have found themselves quite drained and unable to sleep properly. Either due to restlessness, illnesses, nightmares or a combination of the 3. Dashes' co-workers have switched personalities, as in people who used to be nice turned mean and vice versa. It has been discussed among us all as a final let down from all the hurry-worry of the holidays and now that they have past we can relax but have stretched ourselves to thin and it is taking longer than expected to return to normal.
Actually thought it was passing until last night, I had another nightmare. All but one have a similar theme, I've had over a dozen lately. They're all about Dash leaving me for another woman whom he does not love or really want. I truly believed the first few were anxiety over his impending hazardous job. Now I'm not so sure. Dreams for the most part are symbolic I know that, but if it's not about losing him to the job I don't get it because I dealt with my own feeling of inadequacy in keeping his heart and attention over 3 years ago. And now that I've written all this out the dream itself has faded into obscurity leaving behind only this ball of anxiety in my sternum and a general sense of foreboding.
So from here on you may be getting dreams dropped into the middle of no where with no explanation so I can keep track of them.
Dash has sent off his paperwork and received one phone call for clarification and is awaiting the call to schedule his interview. He's all nerves as am I.
Due to our career stresses and overtime we've had 3 fights already, one on Christmas day about spending time together, one on New Years day about whether or not we could afford to buy me a car and one last week about sex. Most of these boil down to a break down of communication in one way or another. Simple misunderstandings and I am beginning to think there is something wrong with 2008. Perhaps the alignment of the stars has thrown the magnetic core out of whack or something but it just ain't right.
I finally figured out what my funk was all about, while we were skipping the holiday hustle and bustle to buy gifts for others we were picking up the slack by working in retail(me) over the holidays, working doubles (both) and days we were supposed to have off volunteering often(me) and working past bone weary (him) right into the grave (wistful thinking sometimes - hehe).
Now that all the hub-bub has passed all of my co-workers have found themselves quite drained and unable to sleep properly. Either due to restlessness, illnesses, nightmares or a combination of the 3. Dashes' co-workers have switched personalities, as in people who used to be nice turned mean and vice versa. It has been discussed among us all as a final let down from all the hurry-worry of the holidays and now that they have past we can relax but have stretched ourselves to thin and it is taking longer than expected to return to normal.
Actually thought it was passing until last night, I had another nightmare. All but one have a similar theme, I've had over a dozen lately. They're all about Dash leaving me for another woman whom he does not love or really want. I truly believed the first few were anxiety over his impending hazardous job. Now I'm not so sure. Dreams for the most part are symbolic I know that, but if it's not about losing him to the job I don't get it because I dealt with my own feeling of inadequacy in keeping his heart and attention over 3 years ago. And now that I've written all this out the dream itself has faded into obscurity leaving behind only this ball of anxiety in my sternum and a general sense of foreboding.
So from here on you may be getting dreams dropped into the middle of no where with no explanation so I can keep track of them.
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