That's Life

The stress level around here started to rise around the beginning of December. I had previously spent too much money upgrading my computer from an AMD Duron 850 Mhz with 256 MB RAM to an AMD Duron 2.0 with 512 MB RAM plus installation. All this right before I had to pay the hospital bill to have Ladybug's cast removed.

Those 2 things the last 2 weeks of November really killed the early x-mas shopping. Then I found out due to a mail mix up the Prosecuting Attorney from my home state was pressing charges against me, so I had to hire an attorney to fix it for me so I wouldn’t have to fly back to the states to handle it. Without the help of my Aunt I surely would have had no Birthday celebrations or Christmas presents.

Just 2 days ago my immigration attorney called and said he needed the Landing Fee ASAFP which I paid this morning. I still owe the Stateside Attorney and My Aunt for January.

We had planned on moving into our new house January 21st but that requires the first months rent, truck rental fees, and utility deposits. With the bills I already owe for my current state of indebtedness it just isn’t all possible so the moving day gets pushed to the last possible moment February 3rd and it’s all going to have to get done in one day.

Add to all that the stress, Dash started his new position as Mobile Manager for the Security firm he works for the week before Christmas and has been working between 8 and 16 hour days, he’s dog ass tired when he comes home and he has a lot of reorganizing before things run smoothly.

Neither of us is in any kind of intimate mood and when I get tense sometimes sex is the best release if things don’t line out soon we’ll both explode.

I haven’t been out of this damnable basement apartment to do anything but pay bills, do laundry and grocery shopping because it’s all we can afford. I’m addicted to my computer but lately it’s been boring me I want to eat out once in a while, rent movies once a week, do something beside sit here, sleep, watch TV, cook and clean.

And I most definitely want to spend time with my man. Talking to a 9 year old day in and day out gets very boring. Don’t get me wrong I love her but I sometimes require grown up conversations as opposed to what kind of cartoons are my favorite. Mind you his double sized pay check is going to help with the bill issue but when do we have time to enjoy what we work for?

Sorry I just had to unload, nothing much else is going on around here and I can’t finish the Love Case Studies because love is not what I feel right now. I’m so frustrated

Love Case Studies ~ LCS5: Friendship

Platonic/Brotherly: I'm never quite sure what to make of the friendship with Dash's best friend Bizy. I'd say we're a support structure for the other but the truth is we can both stand just fine on our own. It is however a great relief to know there is a place of ease and comfort we can turn to.

I had to go away for 3 months during the summer (immigration issues). Bizy wrote to me that he missed me and things seemed blah since I left. My reply was 'I can't miss you. How can you miss something that's so much apart of you, you carry it with you everywhere you go?' I'm constantly referring to Bizy. as the Zen Master he wrote back 'Whose the Zen Master now?'

Bizy's life is at best chaotic. He likes a busy (hence the nickname)lifestyle and it suits him. He is ever calm and level-headed in the face of this onslaught. An air of serenity seems to permeate from his core no matter what.

When I returned he hugged me tight and wouldn't let go. Let me tell you the love I have for Bizy blurs the line sometimes, and while there's nothing romantic in the connection it's so close to that kind of love that I get confused. It's weird and hard to describe.

I know he is kindred. Chaos and pain is something we both understand. I've often thought if the lines of destiny had been draw just a tad differently that he and I would make a severely powerful couple. And tough like speaks to like in romantic relationships it's not the best idea, putting me up against someone that much like me would eventually lead to an explosion and we'd kill each other, have I mentioned how stubborn and strong willed I am?

Love Case Studies ~ LCS4: Soul-mates

Soul-mates: I was thinking on Bri recently (as I often do some days his mere existence resonates my whole being). It occurred to me that the absolute reason we did not manage to make a go of it is two fold. 1.) Our relationship occurred 5 short months after the death of F. I wasn’t ready to accept that I was supposed to have anything in my life that made me happy and 2.) While I’m sure we did laugh I don’t remember us laughing. We were both so serious that we took the fun out of everything by over thinking it. Love needs laughter to grow and thrive.

Punishing Love: The exercise in pain that was CJ prepared me for the love that was to come by showing me exactly what I didn’t want in a relationship and that I did after all deserve more than I thought. CJ and I had very little in common including our opinions. Even the physical stuff wasn’t that good, he had my appetite and quite a lot more than my stamina (2 girls on the side). Anyway we played mind games and they weren’t without their lessons. Who could withstand the most shit? He won. Who could survive alone and happily? I won. It boiled down to neither of us really wanted to be alone for those 6 horrendous years and we were comfortable enough with the others crap to put up with it in order to avoid the dating scene. I also learned in the end what he really needed was for me to need him and I didn’t. I am a strong, independent, free-spirited soul. I didn’t need a man to validate me. I can change my own tire, do my own oil change, and am fairly handy when something gets broken, anything I needed to do I could do or I could learn to do on my own and the few things that were beyond me I could hire someone to do.

Maybe I’m strange but there’s a special place in my heart full of respect for the hard lessons taught me by both CJ and my father. All things need their opposite in order to balance. I needed to learn some hard lessons, pain and bullshit aside it really was the only way for me to see the truth I was in deep denial over.

That's what soul-mates are for, to teach and guide you even if the lesson sucks!

Love Case Studies ~ LCS3: Undying Love 2 Parental

Parental: I've learned more from my daughter than I've taught her. Not because of the innocent way children usually view the world at large but because the soul that resides inside her body is very old indeed and wise. I'm certain she isn't aware she does these things but it is moving none the less. We need each other and when the chips are down leaning into each other for support is our strength albeit tough sometimes for us to get along. We are forever bound and not just in your mother/daughter kind of way but kindred souls who've recognized each other.

Love Case Studies ~ LCS3: Undying Love

True Love: My first experience with true love was with my first husband F. As you may or may not recall he now sleeps with the Angels. Anyway, he was my teacher, well they all taught me something about love but he was the first one that I was consciously aware of. He tried not only to tell but also to show me what love is. He did it mostly by telling me no when I attempted to act a child. I would scream and yell and have a tantrum, wanting him to do the same. He would patiently wait until I'd sated my anger, when I realized he was not going to reciprocate I'd bawl my eyes out and fall into his open and waiting arms and cry the hardest of my lifetime. He understood when I asked for a 'yes' what I really wanted was a strong loving 'no'. Show me you have the strength to call me on my bullshit and I respect you. Back down when you know you're right and I will see weakness.

You’d think that his being dead might put a stop to love altogether but of course it doesn't. Nine years and some change down the road I have not remarried, I still carry his last name, and still receive survivor benefits. SO in essence I am still his girl, he still looks out for me spiritually and financially. Sometimes I can still feel him holding on to us (me and his daughter) and I miss him everyday of course, but I think it's about time he lets us go. There is a new love and it's hard for me to love another as long as his spirit hangs onto my heart. Feels too much like a betrayal to him and his memory, the greatest gift you can give someone sometimes is their freedom.

Inkblot Test

I just don't feel like writing about love today so the Case Studies shall have to wait. I did however take Tickle's Original Inkblot Test and this was my result:



Val, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace.

You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.

You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.



EDIT: Results for 2/10/08

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

Christmas Wishes

During the hustle and bustle of this Christmas morn’, wrappers and ribbons flying past your head, I beg you stop for a single moment and look around the room at all the smiles and giggles. Memorize every nuance, mussed hair, pajamas and slippers…for I wish you to carry that happiness throughout the following year.



…And for those of you who’ve not yet found that one perfect person who can make you feel special in every way, I’m down on my knees begging, wishing, hoping that your dreams find you…

MERRY
CHRISTMAS!!!

Love Case Studies ~ LCS2: The Junior Years

Puppy Love: I don't remember my elementary years. Having boys pull my hair and pick on me, but I'm certain it happened. Known all to well this stage was where you liked the opposite gender but to much effort pretended to hate them. They were different than me after all, to be sure it must have been exciting, thrilling and dreadful scary. It seemed then and sometimes now to have been a futile experience trying to figure them out never knowing all the while that each little experiment only brought you closer to more confusion. I'm sure it taught me how to get by. <As I write this I am in a car sitting next to a man who is yet a little boy, how I wish in this moment he had hair for me to pull.>

Idealistic Love: Some where I've a list of just about every boy I dated or had intimate relations with and while it could be a good experience for me to sit down and figure out what each one contributed to my views on love and something I may yet do it all pretty much boils down to 2 things 1.)hormones and 2.)undefined identities. We'd discovered that our bodies are full of nerve endings that can convey more than torture as we muddled thru this life. Pleasure in it's purest form, naughty and wild, free and eager to learn and explore. With endorphines comes the chemical confusion we believed at the time was love. And to some end it was a type of love, but when I look back on it now it was the mere idea of the existence of this magical thing that was so entrancing. In love with the idea of being in love, to be controlled, consumed by something bigger than ourselves and yet by something that requires no explanation that love just is... stronger than most emotions, never making sense and giving purpose to our lives even if only a fleeting illusion that flickered and winked out only to be replaced by the next and newest kind we'd ever known. For love is like a snowflake...no two are exactly alike and each one means something different to us.

Love Case Studies ~ LCS1: Mom and Dad

I am currently stuck on Chapter 8 of 16 in my first attempt at a novel. Chapter 8 concerns itself primarily with answering the question What is Love? I want to try to convey with great depth something moving that will stick with my readers long after they’ve finished reading the book. To that end the following is descriptions of the influential loves I have experienced in my life and what they mean to me. If you find yourself compelled to write me and tell me about the loves that affected you most please do so with the knowledge that nothing written to me will be divulged without express written consent from the sender, all names and places will be changed with said consent.

Patriarchal Love: I loved and admired my father so much that as a child I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him, watching/doing/helping him with the things he enjoyed even if it meant doing things I detested. Later in life that love was shown to him by me thru imitation, in so far as even his flaws were incorporated into my general make-up of the person I am today. I like to believe his worst qualities have been for the most part left on the cutting room floor in the movie of me. I came to fear him, he had a strength when faced with grief that made him as stone before his cohorts. I would spend 3 decades trying desperately to get his approval and in the end deciding that his ability to make me feel small, unworthy and inadequate were a direct result of the power I had given to him to do so. I stopped trying to get that approval 3 years ago. To this day if either of us tries to tell the other we love them, a joke is soon to follow. We aren’t accustomed to showing affection or speaking it to each other. This pains me and we’ve tried to bridge the gap but it isn’t forthcoming.

Custodial Love: My mother started out as the parent who stood idly by while the ‘shit hit the fan’, she knew it was going to happen and did nothing to prevent or assuage the onslaught. Much later I would learn that the battles were fought for me in the invisible fray behind their bedroom door. Seeing what I perceived as nothing caused me to think her weak. This was not the case in that instance but she did have several mental breaks over my teenage years and so I took it upon myself to protect her as though she were the child. My parents have said I raised myself and this is part of the reason I believe I felt I had to do so and the reason for my lack of childhood. As an adult I have learned that her greatest gift to me was accepting me not only as her daughter but a human being with my own mind. She does not judge or try to control me thru navigating me away from the mistakes she thinks I may make in an effort to make life easier on me, she has the wisdom to know that I must make my own choices, live and learn from my own mistakes. By her own admonishment she has said she doesn’t always like the tings I do but she will always love me.

Therefore I am forced to conclude my ability to understand and accept love was dashed at the foundation, the very building blocks of how I would deal with love in my lifetime started out built on wet sand. I’m not blaming them mind you, it’s not as if children come with an operator’s manual but from the beginning of life children are taught the lessons they carry into the world.

Special

I turned 31 on the 13th. It didn't turn out to be the day I had planned. NO. It was...

much, much better!!!

Dash picked Ladybug up from school for lunch so I could sleep in. Then we went and picked out our Christmas tree (a real one ~ I just love the fresh pine scent they have). Found the perfect one on our 3rd look. And got it in the tree stand on the first try, also perfect.

We listened to classical music while he cooked me dinner (which is a rarity since he thinks charcoal is the only thing he can cook) stir-fry my favorite. And spent a goodly amount of time chasing me around the kitchen with a wooden spoon because I was finding it hard not to help.

We ate the perfect dinner and I opened my presents then he served me Black Forest Cake. There were so many candles it melted the chocolate shavings on the top.

Then as a family we all decorated the tree with the ornaments Ladybug and I had painted and/or made. While listening to Christmas carols, we hate that they're over played at this time of year so my b-day is the only time it's really allowed per mutual agreement in the house.

We also found out my legal trouble wasn't going to cost as much as we thought and a great big Thank You to my Aunt for helping us with this small crisis. So Tues. the 14th much to Ladybug's relief we actually got to go x-mas shopping. She's been a real trooper about the whole thing and we are enormously proud of her attitude and behavior.

Then we settled onto the couch all snuggled up and watched my favorite TV show. Also want to send a big Thank You to Bri for his support and secret Santa gift to to the Bug.

All in all a very pleasant and perfect 2 day b-day surprise. I got the 2 best gifts of all. A daughter who understand the true meaning of x-mas and a boyfriend who was willing to go to any means necessary to make sure my special day was exactly that SPECIAL.

I love my family. I've never known this kind of love or this kind of family could exist.

Entranced

Let me do a brief boyfriend history, throughout High School I had approximately a boyfriend a year. No more than that unless my military father moved us to another city or another state, but usually only one major relationship a year.

After High School I decided relationships fell second to learning to live alone, besides I had a very short attention span so the relationships usually only lasted for 6 months and being by myself the rest of the year. For me the fun was in the thrill of the hunt, but once captured boredom was quickly on my heels and off on the prowl I’d want to be again.

I married F. at 20. That lasted from dating ‘til death 1 year and 3 months. I spent 5 months locked in my house like a hermit. Slowly I ventured forth, went on vacation to Vegas to get away from all my responsibilities (a story for another time perhaps). Another 3 months went by where I reached out to strangers in the darkness across cyberspace to a local BBS’.

The friends I made on these listened without judgment, advised without disdain or rushing me to move on, they encouraged me to come to their picnics but when I refused they did not persist. Finally I decided I’d had enough of being alone, crying on the cold tile kitchen floor or my keyboard and joined a board that had a rep as a meat market.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just some fun, some friends, some good times. It took them 4 months to convince me to come to a weekend meet at a pool hall. I tested the waters but found I could not stand the sensation of human touch. The only person with the right to lay their hands on me had died.

I did meet a few of the people I’d been talking with and had a few dates that left me feeling like an ice princess. I thought maybe I would never be able to feel anything again. I was numb, absent of all feeling except repulsion and sorrow.

Then the experiments began, could I have sex with someone other than my husband? What feelings if any would that evoke? Could I reach climax? 2 attempts and both made me feel even deader inside than I thought possible.

They obliged my advances, I did orgasm, but once I was done it was, “Thank you. Good night, don’t call me I’ll call you. Here’s your coat" as I escorted them to the door wearing only a sheet, locking the door behind them and going to my room to watch movies all night without giving them a second thought.

I still perused the CP BBS and found a flirtatious soul Bri. Something mesmerized me about the way he spoke, like being in a dark tower with a balcony in the dead of night. Sheer white curtains blowing in the wind. A sultry voice on the caress of a summer’s breeze. Like a siren song I was entranced, but happy to leave the voice unseen, unnamed, unmarred a perfect fantasy I did not wish to spoil.

Eventually the lull pulled me out to another weekend meeting. I wanted to catch a glimpse, nothing more. And when I finally saw him he was a bright star, a golden boy, with golden hair and blue eyes. My tiger’s soul laid down at his feet.

We flirted, we talked and the more time I spent with him the more ensnared I became, the world around us to fade and blur. So much in common, both so pained. His lips like rose petals kissed with dew. His breath sucked the air out of the universe when it mingled with mine. We were in a bubble of our own making alone together. I took him home with me that night and he didn’t leave for over a year.

And his parting was begrudgingly. I had seen to it that the future we could have had was smashed. He was the mirror of myself and I was not ready to see what I could be beneath the rays of his loving night gaze. Yes that’s right I cheated on him, it was the fastest surest way I knew to drive him from my embrace. I did not then believe I deserved what he had to offer and to this day regret and pay for what I did to him.

I spent the next 6 years condemned to the hell of my own making with the one I cheated on him with CJ. Bri was of course righteously angry and I deserve whatever ill he wishes on me. But low 8 years later he forgave me my transgressions and is my loving gilded guide. He is my best friend aside from Dash he is always there when I need him no matter how much time passes and misses me when I stay away to long. I do not pretend to understand the nature of his ability to forgive me, or his ability to stand beside me and let me cry vent and or use him as I see fit.

Except that we still have much to learn from each other, we are bonded he and I never to be parted. I am comforted that we transcend all things together but find it equally strange that the person I am bound to is not Dash. But they are separate things the love I harbor for Bri is of friendship for my mentor. Our friendship is deeper than that and I haven't done it justice or helped you understand the debit and credit he is owed by me. I wish very highly not to cheapen it in any sense. Bri is the voice of reason when I lose my way and think I do not deserve Dash.

While the love that boils in me for Dash is that of an eternal twin flames that can not be done justice with any word or deed. Dash is my life, my happiness, my joy, my laughter, my strength he is all things good and more.

Cohesion

My daughter is my gift. We have been together thru the world's hardest moments. Together we stand united and strong against the onslaught of chaos that the world seems determined to cast at us.

Losing her father when she was 4 months old banished me into a kind of hell dimension. Therefore I was isolated not only from those around me but had built up a stronghold against her.

She seemed to be a constant reminder of someone, something special I had lost. Also a reminder of the mortality I feel every second of every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year.

Yesterday she showed that she is not the worst parts of me and the best parts of F. Not a monument to my continued failure as a parent but the absolute best parts of every person she has ever known all her short life.

I have thought I was balance, the guiding light, an example of the indomitable spirit that can reside in humanity and conquer anything, but if I am that she is the cohesion of all healing existence.

I did not know, I was blinded by loss and pain, I am not supposed to mold and lead her, I am to follow her charismatic, contagious spirit and learn that which I was incapable of until yesterday.

She is more special than I could have ever imagined and I believe that raising a child such as her is the goal of most if not all parents.

I feel I should drop to my knees before her, beg her forgiveness for my selfishness, faults and mistakes. I spent the majority of the rest of the day with her and found out what an interesting person she really is.

We re-bonded and I enjoyed listening to her innocent wisdom. And for the first time I think she felt important. It sort of felt like the world revolved around her the rest of the afternoon, to this she seemed perplexed, yet humbled and happy to accept this gift.

I have wronged her and she has rewarded me with kindness, generosity and love. What an example the children. If you haven't already take an afternoon to just admire your child. Watch how they move, talk and really listen with the ears of belief. Then I encourage you to find the time, MAKE the time to do so!

The Spirit of Christmas

Dear Santa,

I’m writing this letter to you to tell you thank you, but our family doesn’t need any gifts this year because our family already received the best gift anyone could ever give to us. It wasn’t bought with lots of money, or in hopes that they would receive anything in return, but given with absolute selflessness and unconditional love.

Yesterday I received some bad news that I was in legal trouble and that getting out of it would cost us all the money set aside for buying Christmas presents. Today I had made arrangements to take my 9 year old daughter Ladybug Christmas shopping. She has been looking forward to this since Halloween.

Today I was faced with giving her the worst news a child could hear. Christmas is cancelled. I told her that I got in trouble, that I had to make it right.

She did not cry, she did not whine, she did not beg or bargain she simply said “Spending Christmas with my family is the most important thing. I like getting presents but it isn’t as important as spending time with my family.”

I began to cry and smile. I am thankful to have accomplished raising such a bright and giving child that could understand that the true importance of giving was in the heart and not the wallet. That family matters more than gifts.

I told her I was proud of how mature she was being that I love her and that I’m thankful and that her words and understanding were the best gifts I have ever received. Indeed I believe I shall never get a gift that means as much as the one she gave me today.

I hope that all of you are as blessed with the kind of love our little family is.

Always~
A proud mother!!!

Furries

What wing-ed furries besiege the night,
Howling thru the bony fingered branches of winter limbs?
So dense that they darken the dusk,
To enfold you in their ebony embrace.
Shrieking evil joy for caressing your demons forth!
Red eyed beauties on wing-ed flight,
Over the city's slumbered serenity,
To wreak havoc and steal they innocent.

Balance

It was midnight and I had been taping F.’s favorite show at the time Quantum Leap it was one of my favorite episodes although I can’t remember anything about it now except the pretty lady with the bright blue eyes. I don’t remember turning the TV off. I also don’t remember any sounds except that of my own blood rushing thru my ears.

And then he began…’We’re sorry to inform you… (a speech I knew well ~ my father had also been a Navy man and once had to perform this unpleasant task. He told me back when I was just 16 that he hoped as long as he lived he would never have to do any such thing again and is haunted to this day by the hatred in that woman’s eyes ~ don’t kill the messenger…just blame him and hate him.)…that your husband…

My mind was running a mile a minute…’he’s been hurt and they're here to escort you to the hospital...’ ...died this evening while performing routine maintenance on an ejection seat.

I had not spoken the entire time they were there until I screamed “NO. THIS HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF JOKE!” He assured me it was not. Asked if there was anyone to call. His best friend I said, they phoned and he said, “This has to be some kind of joke.”

After S. arrived they left me alone with him and his girlfriend. He made calls, people came over, I cried, they cried, and we all hugged. 5 hours later I decided that there were things that needed doing and that I had to do them. I was his wife but I had only known him 1 year and 3 months and there were people who loved him who needed a strong rock to lean on and I would be it. I called his family and mine. Then I left Ladybug with one of the ladies gathered to go clean out his locker at work and pick up our car.

I arranged the funeral in his home state near his mother. I picked out the plot and headstone. I bought myself a plot. At the funeral I took care of his mother. No mother should ever have to bury her child. They gave his sister, his mother and I a folded flag and we all leaned together and cried. Then came the part I forgot was coming and to this day I can not bear it…The 21 gun salute. His mother did not know to expect this and I had forgotten, she screamed and I wailed.

I stayed with her for 3 months. She still has not gotten over it and I’m sorry to say we’ve drifted. I still keep in touch with his sister as often as I can and Ladybug visits every summer I have the money and time to take her. I want Ladybug to have the opportunity to ask them the questions about her father that I do not know. I want her to know her heritage and that side of the family. I wish with all my heart for his mom, for his sister, for his daughter that we had divorced and hated each other as opposed to this. I would bear the pain so long as they could keep him.

If I’ve been vague it’s because I know not how to convey what this did to me and if you have questions, please do not hesitate to ask. I’ve been asked so often that I’ve grown numb it is a fact of life, it happened and I lived it. We live, we die and the survivors, survive. As for me I truly believe that Dash was hand picked by my angel F. and that he is proud, finally of the road his daughter and I are on. And that our happiness is a testament to his life and his love, we honor him to do our best to remember him, miss him everyday, and love him still more than words can say.

There are reasons for everything that happens, though I don't assume to know them or like them at all sometimes. We are where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there. Every experience is a lesson to be learned, every person that touches our lives a teacher, it is a preparation for what lies ahead. For everything there is a balance, bad so we can appreciate the good. Sad so that we can experience joy. Everything, everyone, every act, every choice is connected.

3 men in Kahki and an Onbudsman's wife

Let's rewind time. I've only recently learned the past is no place to be lost in, but I sort of believe the story of me began in 1994.

June to be precise. I was 20 working in a dive skinhead bar. It barely paid the bills but it was an excellent playground for learning about yourself.

The windows and walls were painted black. Moshe pits were always the order of the night. I saw KMFDM, 311, and Rage against the Machine play live there.

One night a clean cut navy guy turns up dressed in all white, boy did he glow beneath the black lights.

He was 5'6" 145lbs. brown hair and glasses, not bad to look at but without the clothes I wouldn't have noticed him at all. He was in the US Navy.

It started with breakfast, then I sublet his second floor, then we dated for 3 months. Married 2 months after that. Had our daughter 7 months later (And no my being pregnant wasn't why we married)

She was 4 months and 6 days old when the 3 men in Khaki and an ombudsman's wife showed up on my door step. To a military brat like myself this could mean only one thing.

I opened the door thinking F. had forgotten his keys, when I saw them I knew. He said (and I'll never remember who this man was)"May we come in."

I wanted to tell him to get the fuck off my property and slam the door in his face. I couldn't breath let alone talk. I nodded silently and moved out of their way as they paraded into our home.

I was already in denial and they hadn't uttered but 4 little words. I picked my daughter up cradling her to me and sat pristinely on the couch near the women. Who politely asked me if she could hold the baby. I adamantly refused!

I've told this story to a ton of people, why is it so hard to write it here? At the moment my readership is nil so who am I telling it for? I guess it isn't real 'til you put it in print. Here it is 9 years later and I shudder to finish it. After all this time will this be the thing that finally releases me? Give me a moment to catch my breath I'll finish on the next entry...

Honey Bear

Back in June Dash took Ladybug and I to the Marineland in Niagra Falls (Canada side). First we took in the whale show, then the Dolphin show, where Bug got to high-5 a dolphin.

Onto feed the animals first - the fish (the food was given to us in an ice cream cone ~ and I was thinking creative way to cut down on the garbage ratio), then we feed the bears (this too was dispensed in an ice cream cone), the food itself reminded me of Pops cereal, it smelled like, looked like it , I was afraid to taste it. Later we were mobbed by deer for yet another ice cream cone of animal pellets.

Turns out I was absolutely correct. They give the Bears Pops cereal because it's honey coated. At night they feed them fish.

I remember at the end of the day having seen everything twice, being so tired from all the walking, feeding the park animals and us human animals as well, we finally got to the one big roller coaster. I love roller coasters. I rode it then collapsed near the exit to rest while Dash and Bug raced around and around riding that coaster until the park closed.

Sometimes I have 2 kids, other days I have 1 kid and an overgrown child. Dash raises his eyebrow at me with that half crooked smile of his and says 'only difference between me and kids...I have more debt'.

He cracks me up! That child like wonder and innocence I lost mine before I knew I had it. He still possesses his and I guess in a way since I can't recapture my youth being near him is close enough.

Lord, how I adore and admire him, I want to be so much like him. And being with him has caused me to change on some basic level, I'm softer now. No need for the armor because we protect each other.

Finally someone else I can count on!

I'm sitting here now in the dark eating Pops cereal and thinking about how much I miss my Honey bear whose beat like eggs. 12 hour shifts suck the life out of him. He's gotten so used to sleeping between 4 - 6 hours a night that if he tries for more his body just won't allow it and he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.

Thank God! They are finally pushing his site managers to find his replacement NOW so he can take the Management position he was hired for 3 weeks ago.

The first 3 months will be major overtime getting his guys in line and straightening out the mess he was left with since they just lost 2 people. It's security, one got booted for showing up to the job drunk, and the other for taking 3 hours to do a 45 minute job.

The sooner he starts, the sooner it will be when he can drop back to Mon. - Fri. and 8 hour days. Fuck I might actually be able to have a date with him every other weekend then. Even if it's just us sitting around the dinner table as a family at least that's something. Cross your fingers for us, wish us well and that they find his replacement tomorrow. I'm off to snuggle into bed next to my hibernating bear. Dream pretty pictures!

Snow

This morning big fluffy white snow fell from the sky. All was quite, peaceful...serene. Geia has gone to hibernate and it seems her slumber softens the hearts of men.

While crossing the grocery store parking lot I am struck by the gulls who have lingered here in what is soon to be a winter wonderland. They glide thru Jack Frost's playround buffeted by his chill breath.

I sigh. The seasons tone is now set, with the ice blue blanket of fresh unmarred snow comes my birthday and riding on it's tail coats my favorite holiday.

Christmas.

It is a 4,000 year old festival for renewed life in the spring. Once outlawed and to, too many now commercialized.

For me it the time to spend enjoying the happiness you can give to your family, from decorating together with merry colors to wrapping love for those dearest to you in a box.

Stinks Good

Dash will be walking thru the door any minute so this is my last chance to update today. Since I spent most of it reading Rose or looking for someone in my area Toronto, with like mind-ed-ness to read.

Monday thru Friday I consider myself the manager of our humble abode. It is my job and my pleasure to make sure everyone is taken care of and things are provided for them. I am bound by love to do my utmost to provide them stress free happiness.

Every 2 weeks Dash goes to visit his daughter for the weekend, sometimes I go with him but not this weekend. When he left on Friday I didn't want him to go but would shoot him if he didn't. I'm funny that way.

So today I cleaned the house extra hard so when he walks thru that door he can flop down on the couch and unwind without having to worry about ~ this or that needs done.

Anyway I missed him very much. I wanted him near. Last night while changing the sheets I leaned my face into his pillow and breathed deeply. I love his smell. Lever 2000 soap, Head and Shoulders shampoo (even though he shaves his head bald ~ don't ask even I don't understand; it's one of his many endearingly annoying habits <-- his phrase) his Gilette shaving cream and aftershave mixed with his cologne Axe.

I love the way it lingers in the bathroom and into the kitchen long after he's gone, and seeps into my clothing, hair and any fabric he touches.

Gotta run he just walked in and Ladybug is screaming Daddy, Daddy, Daddy in my ear and quite shrilly too...eee...ooowww...

More later...

Perfect

Okay it's technically tomorrow so I can post the rest of that story with Bri.

Dash has said to me on more than one occasion that with some people the only thing they understand is pain...he was talking about who could cause the most pain with words...but I think it applies to this for the most part.

Try as he might to be nice, but nice isn't understood so you have to yell or be a fucking asshole to be heard. I’m that way you can say 'honey please don't do that it hurts me' but I won't hear you until you’re yelling "YOUR A FUCKING PSYCHO BITCH LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."

Yelling I understand, patience and understanding still confound me. I respond well to strong emotions, feelings and reaction mostly of the negative variety but am coming to understand unconditional love ~ it's so strange to me. It's taken me 2 1/2 years just to be able to accept Dash is a passionate person in his love, commitment and loyalty I always thought passion existed only in the severe like lust, anger, and rage. You know the primal nature of the beast that resides in everyone.

Dash didn’t teach me all this, what a pretty thought but not entirely accurate, the Buddhist studies brought the understanding Dash was the example. He can't teach it to me I have to learn it, explore it and understand it on my own. Bri is also a very illuminating being, he helps me understand myself even if only while passively listening to me babble. He’s my gilded guide, almost angelic and non-caporeal for me for he is with me everywhere I go. I've said it before and it's never less than the absolute truth Bri and I are soul-bound never to be parted.

Dash once asked me while I was complaining why I continue to talk to Bri if I get so frustrated...my reply was 'he's been there with me longer than anyone, thru the shit and the good, he forgives me my faults and is still standing there loving me as a friend his arms open wide for a hug no matter what a bitch I am, never had a friend like him before and it's what friendships should be'.

Bri says ‘forgiveness is divine... and thru it all... I’ve still forgiven you for everything... friends should be able to forgive and forget... move on with life...’

Mostly I think it's not because I'm frustrated with Bri but with myself, what he makes me see in myself sometimes is hard to accept and then there's the fact that I have to realize no matter how much I want to I can't fix him and all his problems. I'm thankful for the forgiveness it is a gift I aspire to have.

I wish with my deepest heart that I could wrap up the miraculous gift of love Dash and I share and give the same to everyone. Everyone should experience this kind of unconditional love.

I have also told Dash I have very few things worth living for, Ladybug (my daughter) while she needs me, him and the love we share and...Bri’s friendship. If not for those I think I might just give up roll over and die. To tired to fight anymore I just want simplicity. I show Bri some pics of Dash and we talk then about how different Dash is from my type. 6'2", about 180lbs brown eyes, shaved bald head, black goatee where before I was drawn to 5'6", 140Lb, blonde luxurious hair, and blue eyes.

Personality wise is the same way too I used to love assholes and he's so ...god there is no better word...perfect he does nothing wrong on purpose, he is very P.C. in speech, smart like encyclopedia and supportive and understanding... I know I keep saying supportive and understanding but boyfriends in the past had me so fucked up when I got involved with Dash I’d do these atrocious things like going thru his wallet and e-mail and then tell him expecting to be yelled at and accused of being a psycho and he's like 'okay, I have nothing to hide' and onto another topic like it never happened.

Bri the ever wise says ‘The ones we find are right for us... are rarely what we THINK we want.’

If I had seen D in a crowd I wouldn't have noticed him ~ too tall and bald, but I fell in love with his mind, his wit, his humor before I ever saw what he looked like, and at first meeting I was like 'err' but decided the chemistry we had went beyond the superficial outside and to the heart, the very core I find it hard to be mad with him around and we'll both get so frustrated sometimes before you know it one of us is laughing cause it's so absurd. I laugh, he looks at me like I'm nuts then he'll laugh and that makes me laugh harder and he laughs harder cause I'm snorting and it feeds itself till we can't breath. Or we'll be fighting and all I want is to be in his arms, we'll both be serious to death and then I'll start to cry because he's got that hurt puppy look in his eye so I'll purposefully say something absurd so he'll laugh so I can laugh and we can get back to snuggling and being affectionate. But we don't fight that much and I really don't want to when you know you have the best, even if there are things that bother you what's the point in complaining, I don't think I'll ever find anything better. I am by no means settling just realistically he is the absolute best thing in the world to ever happen to me.

Soul-mates

Earlier I logged into yahoo, after reading four days worth of Rose I decided I felt way too pathetic and needed some human adult interaction. I mean I only have acquaintances here in Toronto and had begun to think the reason I’m so boring is because not only do I not have a life but no friends either, that aren’t online anyway or live 4 or more hours away. I’m a solitary critter and that seems okay with me most days but after reading Rose talk about her exciting life, friends and sexual escapades I’m like 'damn I’m drowning'. So I do what I always do I turn to Bri.

He can make me feel better and of course he does…We begin with the usual banter. Hi. How are you? What you been up to? Blogging and Rose of course is my answer. His is work and his roommate brother is driving him nuts.

Bri is so much an enigma to me. He understand me, he understands most women except why he can’t make them understand sex is just for fun right now. He’s not ready for anything long term because he’s still looking for the “ONE”. And states he can tell almost immediately if she’s a long term girl or not. I don’t know how he knows this since it takes a while to get to know the real side of anyone. Ask him and he’ll say he doesn’t know either but he just does.

Anyway he wants to know why I’m so into blogging and I say ‘I wanted input from the readers, then it turned into this exercise in writing. Trying to learn how to express how I really feel about things. When I make myself a character in one of my books the character comes off flat because I'm too used to keeping my darkness and sorrow to myself.’

To which he immediately replies ‘Hun... Why do you think I always preferred talking to people online... I can be much more open online... its like I’m faceless this way... I can talk about anything I like... and feel its private and not so personal... writing a diary entry like that is similar...and a way to be somewhat more than who and what you are... or for those who are more exhibitionists...’

We both sense we’re being a little to deep so we down shift into small talk. How’s the permanent resident application going? Good takes about 4 months to get news…blah…blah…blah. My 31st birthday is 9 measly days away so I comment on the state of affairs since we’re only 3 months apart in age.

Do you feel old? I sometimes do but find I still think of myself in my 20s.

He says ‘yep... sometimes I do... sometimes I don’t... its worst when cute young women are hitting on me... and I realize I can still remember a LOT of things from the years they were BORN.’

All kinds of agreement from direction.

Talk of gray hairs and distinguishment. Then he starts in with this ‘last month I had to talk an 18 yr old I've known for a number of years now out of being interested in me... sigh.’

And with Bri I say exactly what I’m thinking, we’re just comfortable that way you’ll see keep reading ‘Stamina, that's what I'd be thinking and or a clean slate to mold and teach all the wonderful ways to fulfill my desires. Also, flattered that I was still good enough looking on the outside to entice someone of that age’.

He replies ‘I also feel... perverted... I mean... logically... 19 is old enough to make her own mature decisions... but still... I mean... DAYAM... I graduated before she STARTED school.’

Then I’m laughing he can’t see me he can’t hear me but he just made me a merry fool. I think with us both sometimes our biggest problem is we think way to damn much.

He nods but I can’t see him do this but I know he is. He goes on to say ‘Yeah... I know but other people keep warning me... and I’m so sick of people constantly telling me how sick it is of an older guy like me to be "taking advantage" of a young girl like that...’.

Oh I’m starting to seethe just under the edges no one needs to be judging my Bri. My reply is this ‘If she don't do it with you whose to stop her from doing it with another older gent said female may want the experience of knowledge ability and isn’t that between you and she and why are you letting people judge you this way you haven't done anything, thinking about a thing and doing it are two totally different things and a decision only the 2 adults should make and the law says she is entitled.’

I advise him to tell no lies or lead her to believe it will go beyond the sexuality and friendship; he’s not her daddy and doesn’t need someone to raise. Vigorous agreement and then he tells me of course being BLUNT and brutally honest and STILL women get attached and suddenly want "more" than just sex and fun. Time and time again.

Rambling Rose

I'm proably weird, but reading sexy letters, diary's and or explicit literature always makes me horny. I've been reading Rose's journal this past week. The things she can get men to do to her, I only wish I could get Dash. to do some of that to me.

I've mentioned Rose's diary to Dash and made mention that I like reading Penthouse Letters. The next day what does he bring home from work ~ Penthouse Letters. And I'm wondering is this his way of telling me he wants me hot and horny all the time? That he likes the recent upsurge in our love life?

I do agree with Rose that blogging is addicting. I feel dirty reading others journals like I'm spying into their secrets or something and pathetic (Rose's fave word) because I login and all day read about other people's lives instead of living my own. Wishing someone would read mine and write me e-mails or notes. Anything I just want to be noticed. I want my diary to be the kind that someone gets up and wonders what I wrote about today.

I'm the kind of reader who wants to know the back story so I go back as far as the archives will let me and read forward. Better to know the whole story before I write them and say hey you're interesting.

I've been restraining myself from writing more than an entry a day. I'm not that interesting anyway. Way too normal and mundane, besides most days are the exact same.

Kinda Weird

Yeah, okay it's kinda weird ya know.

As a toddler I was a good kid apparently, my dad says between 1 year old & 6 years old, he could pretty much tell me to sit, stay and wait and I would even if it took him 3 days to come back I'd still be there. This makes me wonder how many times he tried this little experiment, (cause I sure as hell don't remember) where he went, and for how long?

Then there is the story about my parents having friends over to play cards when I was an infant, it seems I was not fond of the pacifier. They gave it to me I'd spit it out and cry 'til they gave it back. After an hour of this they decided to tape the pacifier in my mouth. Yes, I said TAPE as in duct.

I remember my dad being my hero, I always wanted to spend time with him it didn't matter what he was doing I'd just stand around quietly watching and fetch his tools. It's probably why I can change my own flat tire and do my own tune up.

I have to say I truly adored the man up until I was about 22 and figured out what a dick he can be. Now mind you he's a good guy for the most part I was taken care of. Even if there were lots of mistakes raising me ~ (which he still refuses to acknowledge or apologize for). His response to my open hostility and bitterness "you're childhood wasn't so bad".

Nope wasn't bad at all ...

1. Got molested at age 5.

2. I have absolutely no memory from the age of 1 - 11. I'm afraid of what my subconscious decided I didn't need to remember.

3. Watched my grandfather die from being hit by lightening.

4. Dad beat the shit out of me when I was 12 with the belt buckle end of his belt for lying. Which resulted in a black eye bruises up my back and down one leg. The school called it in and we had counseling (which he doesn't believe in).

5. That same year my mom had a mental break and forgot who we all were. So I had to take to raising her.

6. My 1/2 brother (adopted by my aunt and uncle - yep let them in-breed redneck jokes start rolling I've NEVER heard them before ~ he was also my cousin) molested/raped me. I couldn't tell my mom she'd have another episode and I couldn't tell my dad cause he'd kill him literally and then go to jail.

7.Had to talk my mom out of blowing her head off with a gun when I was 16. She kicked me out of the house then threatened to kill herself if I left. When I got the gun from her it wasn't even loaded. I laughed she cried.

6.Had my first child unwed at the age of 19. A year to the day I graduated high school.

7.Became a widow with a 4 month old baby at the age of 21.

8. Got involved with a man who mentally abused me for 6 years before running off with our 2 year old son.

9. Oh did I mention we moved every 6 fucking months. Which made it hard for me to make friends because I was always an outsider.

I'm not by any means complaining. I wouldn't change a thing, it made me who I am. I am strong, confident, independent. I learned to deal. I am the only one (until Dash) that I know I can count on. I am a fighter and my path led me to Dash. If he is my reward then it was all worth it and if he's just my miracle, (that I certainly don't feel I deserve) then I accept the gift humbly.

Everyone has thier things that they go thru while their growing up. Dash used to get beat up on a daily basis at school clear thru 8th grade until he decided to start fighting back. And hey ~ We're not dead! (Although, I'm sure at one time or another we wished we were to some extent.)

At any rate once I moved away from home I only call them about once a month. I care I know I do, but I'm not sure 'love' is the word I would use to describe that feeling.

So sometime after I got married I decided to bury all the demons and skeletons in my closet. Deal with it and move on. It hurt some feelings but I had to talk to those people to get my closure.

It was about that time my mother did some real hard thinking and decided to stop trying to control and/or change me. She began to accept me for who I was and I stopped being bitter about having to raise her and my father always choosing her over me.

So for the last 7 years or so we've been getting along. I call her we laugh, we cry, and today I found us talking about relationships, whether or not dad hot chatting an old ex (I mean like ex x 35 years) was cheating or not. And maybe she should wrap herself in cling wrap and put a bow on her assets just to find out what the old fart would think of that. Heart attack I imagine since my mom has never loved sex (sick, just sick).

SO in conclusion I have to say...

Yeah, okay it's kinda weird ya know.