Dash broke up with me on the 19th. I'm not ready to talk about it yet because I'm not sure how I feel. It's alot of maybes and if onlys right now and looking back at what now seems obvious.
Don't worry about me the first day was the hardest, by the second day the tears were about loneliness not him. I'm sort of surprised by the speed of my recovery.
Anyway another day when I am certain of how I feel, might be a month from now it might be 6 who knows.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Conquering Worry
I've been reading a lot of self help books lately trying to find something, anything to help what seemed an insurmountable task. I mean once you allow your self-esteem and sense of security to slip - either by your own doing or that of anothers actions - it felt near to impossible to get away from that wrong thinking and back to reality.
Doubt is like weeds, once in your system it plants roots and gets tangled into everything. If you've ever tried to rid your lawn of dandelions you know exactly what I mean.
Even knowing that I was the one convincing myself that he couldn't possibly love me anymore and why, that I was trying to control a future outcome that most certainly was not in his character, I just couldn't pull my head out of my own ass.
I tried everything, counting my good points and cursing him if he couldn't see them. Trying to change to be what I THOUGHT he wanted. Anger. Yelling. Crying and even not talking or trying my damnest to think nothing at all, all to no avail.
Then it hit me. IF any of the things I am so worried about ever actually happen, then he is not the man of my dreams because he won't be anything I believed him to be. Fact of the matter is IF he ever did those things I would be better off with someone else because they matter that much to me. I will not settle for less or short change myself from having the love I deserve.
I wrote up a list of the qualities of that dream man and surprisingly I discovered 2 things - first none of my criteria have anything to do with one's outward appearance and second the things Dash failed to meet have only been recently and have been as a direct result of my own behavior.
I am a better person than I have been acting like and it's time for me to stop carrying on as spoiled 2 year old who isn't getting her way. This will take care of itself - if only through kismet. I believe in karma and I don't need to look for his mistakes, they will reveal themselves and time will tell on him IF need be.
Worst case scenario he's a loathsome dog with no morals, character or integrity and that would make me a nobler creature. So my values and the fact that I am of high caliber fire power would and do mean the world to me.
It is only that which I am capable of accomplishing that matters in the end.
Doubt is like weeds, once in your system it plants roots and gets tangled into everything. If you've ever tried to rid your lawn of dandelions you know exactly what I mean.
Even knowing that I was the one convincing myself that he couldn't possibly love me anymore and why, that I was trying to control a future outcome that most certainly was not in his character, I just couldn't pull my head out of my own ass.
I tried everything, counting my good points and cursing him if he couldn't see them. Trying to change to be what I THOUGHT he wanted. Anger. Yelling. Crying and even not talking or trying my damnest to think nothing at all, all to no avail.
Then it hit me. IF any of the things I am so worried about ever actually happen, then he is not the man of my dreams because he won't be anything I believed him to be. Fact of the matter is IF he ever did those things I would be better off with someone else because they matter that much to me. I will not settle for less or short change myself from having the love I deserve.
I wrote up a list of the qualities of that dream man and surprisingly I discovered 2 things - first none of my criteria have anything to do with one's outward appearance and second the things Dash failed to meet have only been recently and have been as a direct result of my own behavior.
I am a better person than I have been acting like and it's time for me to stop carrying on as spoiled 2 year old who isn't getting her way. This will take care of itself - if only through kismet. I believe in karma and I don't need to look for his mistakes, they will reveal themselves and time will tell on him IF need be.
Worst case scenario he's a loathsome dog with no morals, character or integrity and that would make me a nobler creature. So my values and the fact that I am of high caliber fire power would and do mean the world to me.
It is only that which I am capable of accomplishing that matters in the end.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Hemingway Post
I didn't even give him the chance to make me wrong.
I'm tired of giving him opportunities.
I'm tired of waiting for the inevitable disappointment.
It shouldn't be like this. No matter what rationalities he tells himself make this okay, right or justified.
I asked for the one thing he COULDN'T give and it's killing me that he can't/won't.
It's really the only thing I CAN'T live with.
I CAN get past the lies, the hot chatting, his need to be friends with single females or women who find him attractive I can't live with asexuality.
"Write drunk, edit sober." ~Hemingway (courtesy of Roxane on Twitter)
EDIT: This post was made while drunk and is a pure emotionally driven reaction to an imagined slight that only occurred in my mind. What I did the following morning was more proactive. Which was to express what I valued and why, followed by a small discussion about insecurities created by rejection. There was no crying, no yelling, no nagging. Dash even commented that the way I am handling and responding to things lately has much improved and was making me more attractive to him.
The results of my ability to manage myself lately are clearly apparent when he seeks me out now to kiss me and thank me or say he loves me first. It needs noted that this management is not superficial on my part - it does take effort (sometimes ALOT) but Dash actually told me about a couple of things he might previously have withheld and I didn't lose my cool or even set my stomach to roiling (okay one took 8 minutes and a smoke to master). It takes time but I'm going to see these as successes because they really are.
I'm tired of giving him opportunities.
I'm tired of waiting for the inevitable disappointment.
It shouldn't be like this. No matter what rationalities he tells himself make this okay, right or justified.
I asked for the one thing he COULDN'T give and it's killing me that he can't/won't.
It's really the only thing I CAN'T live with.
I CAN get past the lies, the hot chatting, his need to be friends with single females or women who find him attractive I can't live with asexuality.
"Write drunk, edit sober." ~Hemingway (courtesy of Roxane on Twitter)
EDIT: This post was made while drunk and is a pure emotionally driven reaction to an imagined slight that only occurred in my mind. What I did the following morning was more proactive. Which was to express what I valued and why, followed by a small discussion about insecurities created by rejection. There was no crying, no yelling, no nagging. Dash even commented that the way I am handling and responding to things lately has much improved and was making me more attractive to him.
The results of my ability to manage myself lately are clearly apparent when he seeks me out now to kiss me and thank me or say he loves me first. It needs noted that this management is not superficial on my part - it does take effort (sometimes ALOT) but Dash actually told me about a couple of things he might previously have withheld and I didn't lose my cool or even set my stomach to roiling (okay one took 8 minutes and a smoke to master). It takes time but I'm going to see these as successes because they really are.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pain Remembered
Every time Dash has left the house since telling me he is to be sworn in I panic. My insides fill with anxiety like ants on a trash heap, swarming, squirming - busy, busy, busy making mountains out of mole hills.
My brain goes into overdrive on a seek and destroy mission, looking for that piece of intel that will seal the doom that he is leaving me not for the Army but our relationship. It would seem that every detail missed is a negative I count to back-up one more reason to distance myself.
If I can't find something to be angry about I find a way to feel nothing. It has felt that even he is doing the same to me, a defensive mechanism I thought unitl . . .
He just came into this room with his daughter Mishka, who for the last 6 years has only gotten to see her dad every other weekend for not quite 48 hours each visit. He came in here to show her that every single scrap of art or memento she has given him is kept. I suddenly felt very stupid. Very selfish.
Very stupid because in an instant what he was really feeling washed over me, (maybe I imagined it - maybe he couldn't hold that door closed because the emotion inside is to big - it really matters not if our connection has been so raw of late that neither of us can feel the other like we used to and I thought it was open enough to get this right) an emotion I knew all to well 8 years ago every single day for 3 years after my son AJ went to live with his dad.
Pain. While you are present with that perfect piece of you, who adores you as only a child can - you know as fantastic as these precious moments are that they need must end, you will have to give them back and you can't help feeling like your organs are slowly being ripped out through your nose.
You bear this with a wistful smile as they look upon you with joy because as sad as you feel you won't ruin it for them, not this minute, not this hour, not this day - not EVER! We do what we must to cherish and build these memories knowing they will give both joy and immense pain later because we wouldn't trade an ocean of tears to not have those experiences with you.
It isn't me he is blocking out, he isn't running away from me or leaving me. He is building damns to hold back the flood gates of the next 30 - 90 day period where he may or may not be able to see her. This isn't about me.
. . . and guilty because I am being (all be it MOSTLY silently inside my head) selfish by counting trivialities and drawing conspiracies in my own mind. None of which matter in comparison to that pain. I remember it like a cloak of death as Ron Weasley would say "like I'd never be cheerful again".
I'm so sorry I didn't see it before and so relieved I saw it before I said or did something stupid.
My brain goes into overdrive on a seek and destroy mission, looking for that piece of intel that will seal the doom that he is leaving me not for the Army but our relationship. It would seem that every detail missed is a negative I count to back-up one more reason to distance myself.
If I can't find something to be angry about I find a way to feel nothing. It has felt that even he is doing the same to me, a defensive mechanism I thought unitl . . .
He just came into this room with his daughter Mishka, who for the last 6 years has only gotten to see her dad every other weekend for not quite 48 hours each visit. He came in here to show her that every single scrap of art or memento she has given him is kept. I suddenly felt very stupid. Very selfish.
Very stupid because in an instant what he was really feeling washed over me, (maybe I imagined it - maybe he couldn't hold that door closed because the emotion inside is to big - it really matters not if our connection has been so raw of late that neither of us can feel the other like we used to and I thought it was open enough to get this right) an emotion I knew all to well 8 years ago every single day for 3 years after my son AJ went to live with his dad.
Pain. While you are present with that perfect piece of you, who adores you as only a child can - you know as fantastic as these precious moments are that they need must end, you will have to give them back and you can't help feeling like your organs are slowly being ripped out through your nose.
You bear this with a wistful smile as they look upon you with joy because as sad as you feel you won't ruin it for them, not this minute, not this hour, not this day - not EVER! We do what we must to cherish and build these memories knowing they will give both joy and immense pain later because we wouldn't trade an ocean of tears to not have those experiences with you.
It isn't me he is blocking out, he isn't running away from me or leaving me. He is building damns to hold back the flood gates of the next 30 - 90 day period where he may or may not be able to see her. This isn't about me.
. . . and guilty because I am being (all be it MOSTLY silently inside my head) selfish by counting trivialities and drawing conspiracies in my own mind. None of which matter in comparison to that pain. I remember it like a cloak of death as Ron Weasley would say "like I'd never be cheerful again".
I'm so sorry I didn't see it before and so relieved I saw it before I said or did something stupid.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Miracle of Snow
I asked for a miracle you gave me snow. Snow because it reminds me of my favorite time of year - Christmas. Christmas because it is the one time of year I am free to give to the depths that my soul longs for daily and no one seems to mind. I give freely with no regard for return, for the sheer joy of the smiles it creates.
You want me to remember the best thing about me is that I give freely of myself and that is when I am most fulfilled.
I have also noticed an influx of mild and manageable chaos at work. Lexar, accidentally thinking someone else is opening and the 2 of us buckling down and getting that 45 minute job done in 15 minutes flat. Essi calling in because she sprained her ankle causing me to open and close the store with a 5.5 hour break in the middle. I felt peaceful and centered.
Chaos is what I know. Chaos is what I am good at. I did not ruffle but experienced a calm serenity. I was made for pressure situations and bear up well under the necessity to tighten down the ship.
This is who I am and silly as it may sound I forgot that. Thank you for answering the plea and allowing me to see my strengths once more.
You want me to remember the best thing about me is that I give freely of myself and that is when I am most fulfilled.
I have also noticed an influx of mild and manageable chaos at work. Lexar, accidentally thinking someone else is opening and the 2 of us buckling down and getting that 45 minute job done in 15 minutes flat. Essi calling in because she sprained her ankle causing me to open and close the store with a 5.5 hour break in the middle. I felt peaceful and centered.
Chaos is what I know. Chaos is what I am good at. I did not ruffle but experienced a calm serenity. I was made for pressure situations and bear up well under the necessity to tighten down the ship.
This is who I am and silly as it may sound I forgot that. Thank you for answering the plea and allowing me to see my strengths once more.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Idears (Thats IDEAS with an accent)
This - - > Taking out he Trash < - - is a great idea!
I spent the morning organizing photos from 2003 - 2005 and it is undeniable the love we share. I may have lost sight of it for a while and I may have damaged it, but this kind of love isn't the kind of thing that EVER goes away - I'm so sorry I forgot!
Also good golly, but I can see how Dash said what he said about my weight being an issue. Looking at those pictures of me then and knowing how I look now I went "Gross". I have every intention of getting an after picture and photoshopping those two pics together and posting them for no other reason then I NEED to see this kind of thing to keep me motivated.
Thems the spurs that will get me to do the unbelievable, once he goes to basic I am clamping down and going to attempt to lose 15 lbs. in 30 days. That goal might be a tad unrealistic but it's what I'd really like to accomplish before he sees me again.
I spent the morning organizing photos from 2003 - 2005 and it is undeniable the love we share. I may have lost sight of it for a while and I may have damaged it, but this kind of love isn't the kind of thing that EVER goes away - I'm so sorry I forgot!
Also good golly, but I can see how Dash said what he said about my weight being an issue. Looking at those pictures of me then and knowing how I look now I went "Gross". I have every intention of getting an after picture and photoshopping those two pics together and posting them for no other reason then I NEED to see this kind of thing to keep me motivated.
Thems the spurs that will get me to do the unbelievable, once he goes to basic I am clamping down and going to attempt to lose 15 lbs. in 30 days. That goal might be a tad unrealistic but it's what I'd really like to accomplish before he sees me again.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Sense of Home
Saturday the 1st Dash called from his bi-monthly weekend visit north to tell me the Army has called and he is to be sworn in on the 19th followed by a departure date of the 24th.
There are alot of emotions here, they have no cohesion so I'm not at all certain how to organize them. I am elated that he will finally be doing something he really wants to do. The potential for promotion, recognition and pay raises is going to be better. Better pay means that we can finally address some of our financial issues and start replacing old worn out things around the house. The time and space between us will create a fondness and more for us to talk about instead of the complacency which we seem to have settled into.
Unfortunately the negative was all I could see on Sunday the 2nd. I was worried about the fact that Dash has decided to give only 1 week notice (his last day is tomorrow) and this messes with the budget. Further still he will be picking up Mishka for a week long visit for the two of them to do some things together here in Toronto (which is something they have never really got to do before - this is AMAZING) but poorly timed budget wise. The timing of his departure causes logistical problems for the June banking stuff so I have to postpone my Reunion trip (not so bad as I've decided to go for the fourth of July don't get to do that very often and I am American).
I can see the positives now but on Sunday I was crying into my Rum. Sort of lost it, I don't want to lose him, either to time, space or the ever present death (which I know when it happens no matter where it happens I can not stop it or control it - but HELLO widow here). Then I spent Monday and Tuesday stressing because I had tried to tell my concerns to Dash who simply smiled and said "RELAX". He is relieved and I understand he has been under work related stress for a little more than 2 years, it must really be liberating. I truly am happy for him.
And then there are the things I haven't said - I love my store and my co-workers (most of them) they have become like a family to me (even when we don't get along or like each other it's just as dysfunctional), they have been with me through so much more than any place I've ever been whenever I think of transferring to another store or getting another job elsewhere I just break down and cry. I will miss them all SO SO much! We have history and when I look back across it, mostly it's filled with laughter and joy and each individual with their unique characteristics pulls at every single heart string.
Besides moving the Bug right before she enters her 1st year of high school. I remember what it was like for me as a Navy brat to move every 6 months and I always said when she hit high school wherever we were we would not move until she graduated (yeah well - best laid plans and all that silliness).
I know what Dash would say if I told him about the last 2 - "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it" (not before) and I know he's right but it makes me slightly nervous.
I'm also not looking forward to the long lonely nights with no one to hold me. I had a weird dream about 2 bothers last night - 1 very charismatic , attention whore, beautiful beyond words and the other quiet, talented and in his shadow. In the dream I choose the shy one to love and the other berates and belittles me for ignoring him. I don't even let this phase me and come to find that the shy one can touch places in my soul never moved so delicately before. I find peace even while the other tries desperately to make me feel small.
I've come to the conclusion in a weird twisted way that I am accepting what may come with contentment and no screaming me-me of an inner child is going to be allowed to make me feel small or insecure. I awoke with a silence of heart I haven't had in a very long time. Maybe it's because this journey although traveled before is familiar to me and therefore comforting - almost like going home. Even if home was never a very nice place, it's still something I understand.
Of course last nights work events may have had a part to play in it. Two of the family were dismissed and it hurt to know they were leaving, especially in this economy. All I could think was all my little musings about what was going on with Dash and I were insignificant, I mean we are moving into a better situation and 2 of my co-workers were losing their jobs. Simply put it really could be worse and my troubles (all emotional overreactions) mattered not next to what their change brought them.
So here's to embracing the change instead of fighting the inevitable!
There are alot of emotions here, they have no cohesion so I'm not at all certain how to organize them. I am elated that he will finally be doing something he really wants to do. The potential for promotion, recognition and pay raises is going to be better. Better pay means that we can finally address some of our financial issues and start replacing old worn out things around the house. The time and space between us will create a fondness and more for us to talk about instead of the complacency which we seem to have settled into.
Unfortunately the negative was all I could see on Sunday the 2nd. I was worried about the fact that Dash has decided to give only 1 week notice (his last day is tomorrow) and this messes with the budget. Further still he will be picking up Mishka for a week long visit for the two of them to do some things together here in Toronto (which is something they have never really got to do before - this is AMAZING) but poorly timed budget wise. The timing of his departure causes logistical problems for the June banking stuff so I have to postpone my Reunion trip (not so bad as I've decided to go for the fourth of July don't get to do that very often and I am American).
I can see the positives now but on Sunday I was crying into my Rum. Sort of lost it, I don't want to lose him, either to time, space or the ever present death (which I know when it happens no matter where it happens I can not stop it or control it - but HELLO widow here). Then I spent Monday and Tuesday stressing because I had tried to tell my concerns to Dash who simply smiled and said "RELAX". He is relieved and I understand he has been under work related stress for a little more than 2 years, it must really be liberating. I truly am happy for him.
And then there are the things I haven't said - I love my store and my co-workers (most of them) they have become like a family to me (even when we don't get along or like each other it's just as dysfunctional), they have been with me through so much more than any place I've ever been whenever I think of transferring to another store or getting another job elsewhere I just break down and cry. I will miss them all SO SO much! We have history and when I look back across it, mostly it's filled with laughter and joy and each individual with their unique characteristics pulls at every single heart string.
Besides moving the Bug right before she enters her 1st year of high school. I remember what it was like for me as a Navy brat to move every 6 months and I always said when she hit high school wherever we were we would not move until she graduated (yeah well - best laid plans and all that silliness).
I know what Dash would say if I told him about the last 2 - "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it" (not before) and I know he's right but it makes me slightly nervous.
I'm also not looking forward to the long lonely nights with no one to hold me. I had a weird dream about 2 bothers last night - 1 very charismatic , attention whore, beautiful beyond words and the other quiet, talented and in his shadow. In the dream I choose the shy one to love and the other berates and belittles me for ignoring him. I don't even let this phase me and come to find that the shy one can touch places in my soul never moved so delicately before. I find peace even while the other tries desperately to make me feel small.
I've come to the conclusion in a weird twisted way that I am accepting what may come with contentment and no screaming me-me of an inner child is going to be allowed to make me feel small or insecure. I awoke with a silence of heart I haven't had in a very long time. Maybe it's because this journey although traveled before is familiar to me and therefore comforting - almost like going home. Even if home was never a very nice place, it's still something I understand.
Of course last nights work events may have had a part to play in it. Two of the family were dismissed and it hurt to know they were leaving, especially in this economy. All I could think was all my little musings about what was going on with Dash and I were insignificant, I mean we are moving into a better situation and 2 of my co-workers were losing their jobs. Simply put it really could be worse and my troubles (all emotional overreactions) mattered not next to what their change brought them.
So here's to embracing the change instead of fighting the inevitable!
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