Conquering Worry

I've been reading a lot of self help books lately trying to find something, anything to help what seemed an insurmountable task. I mean once you allow your self-esteem and sense of security to slip - either by your own doing or that of anothers actions - it felt near to impossible to get away from that wrong thinking and back to reality.

Doubt is like weeds, once in your system it plants roots and gets tangled into everything. If you've ever tried to rid your lawn of dandelions you know exactly what I mean.

Even knowing that I was the one convincing myself that he couldn't possibly love me anymore and why, that I was trying to control a future outcome that most certainly was not in his character, I just couldn't pull my head out of my own ass.

I tried everything, counting my good points and cursing him if he couldn't see them. Trying to change to be what I THOUGHT he wanted. Anger. Yelling. Crying and even not talking or trying my damnest to think nothing at all, all to no avail.

Then it hit me. IF any of the things I am so worried about ever actually happen, then he is not the man of my dreams because he won't be anything I believed him to be. Fact of the matter is IF he ever did those things I would be better off with someone else because they matter that much to me. I will not settle for less or short change myself from having the love I deserve.

I wrote up a list of the qualities of that dream man and surprisingly I discovered 2 things - first none of my criteria have anything to do with one's outward appearance and second the things Dash failed to meet have only been recently and have been as a direct result of my own behavior.

I am a better person than I have been acting like and it's time for me to stop carrying on as spoiled 2 year old who isn't getting her way. This will take care of itself - if only through kismet. I believe in karma and I don't need to look for his mistakes, they will reveal themselves and time will tell on him IF need be.

Worst case scenario he's a loathsome dog with no morals, character or integrity and that would make me a nobler creature. So my values and the fact that I am of high caliber fire power would and do mean the world to me.

It is only that which I am capable of accomplishing that matters in the end.