Problems Adnosium

The good news is the pathology report on the Ovarian Cyst they removed along with the NORMAL fallopian tube is negative for Cancer.

The bad news is the Endometriosis has left extensive scarring causing my bowel to attach to the back of my uterus. The Doctor saw it in her finite wisdom to close me up and wait instead of consulting Dash (with my signed authorization for medical decisions) with the probability that they may have to do a full hysterectomy in the future if said scarring should prove problematic.

Not only that but she couldn't have cut a straight line if her (or mine for that matter) life depended on it. Fortunately half of the scar will be hidden behind hair as she decided to do a vertical incision instead of a bikini line cut.

The staples were removed on Sept. 2nd and Steri-strips placed over it. By the 12th they had fallen off and the morning of the 13th I was covered in puss so off to the ER we go. The top suture had become abscessed and gotten a minor infection, easily rectified with antibiotics only to have that area decide to over-heal which warranted a trip to her office on the 22nd whereupon she slathered it in sulfur and stated that my over-achieving body should see signs of shrinkage in that area. Seriously this thing looked like a 3rd nipple.

How the hell am I supposed to be even remotely attractive with a "J" carved in my pelvic region and a 3rd nipple poking out?

But here we are 4 weeks after surgery and I have been pain free for 5 days now.

Congruent to the above there is another pickle. My employers were supposed to have filed the Medical Report + Leave of Absence forms to the powers that be in order to produce a Record of Employment thereby enabling me to apply for Employment Insurance (55% of your net income over the last 6 months). This was misdirected by the Manager while the Area Manager was on vaction for 2 weeks and is still not here.

The financial hardship this has caused created a situation where I was forced to choose between groceries or electricity bill, borrow against my next paycheck and overextend my overdraft protection. I am not supposed to be returning to work for another 2 weeks but have no other choice than to return to work - as well as seek a second job in order to repay what they FUCKED up!

And to add icing to the cake from hell - without getting into details because I simply cannot relive that story one more fucking time - Dash and I have had some problems, it was a near thing but we've decided to move past it and work on it.

This latter is why I am writing today. While he is good at suppressing conflict and moving past it I try to fix it. The problem itself has been resolved but has left some troubling effects in it's wake. The approach I have chosen is one of positivity as Dash has a tendency towards his astrological sign to withdraw into his crab shell when injured. Besides the fact there are only so many times I can say the same thing before we decide to give up <- more me than him ~ more him than me -> or it is simply considered bitching.

Before I begin with the whoa-is-me bullshit I would like to acknowledge the fact that he has made efforts, HUGE ones most probably from his point-of-view and while they are appreciated it is NOT nearly enough to satisfy. It also needs stated that I understand his work stress, insomnia, back pain and money related issues play an enormous part in this.

Having said that I still cannot reconcile what I know with what I feel.

Be fair warned I have decided that I MUST say the things I feel even if only to empty space if I don't release the negativity we will surely fail. Unable to communicate these feelings to him I have no choice (since he is deeply aggrieved by the idea of me telling anyone else our personal business - thus the lack of detail - sorry) but to place my heart here.

Actions speak louder than words!

I long for you to pause a moment, hug me, look into my eyes and caress my face.
Translation: I am beautiful and you want to bask in the sunlight of my presence.

While it was wonderful that you came to check on me because I was crying it would have been better when you asked what was wrong and I said it didn't matter if you had sat down beside me held me in your arms and just let me cry into the strength of your embrace instead of walking away.
Translation: You are here for me even when you don't know what's wrong and you love me even when I'm an emotional basket case.

When I give you a compliment even though you think I am insane or completely wrong you deflect by returning the favor.
Translation: You're honored that though you don't agree that you deserve such praise that I think such wonderful things about you and I am one of the best things that has happened to you.

Kiss me Good morning and Goodnight.
Translation: I am precious to you. You want me to be the first thing you see/touch when you wake up and before you go to sleep at night.

In the heart on the tongue!

Say it first, say it loud, say it proud - "I love you!"
Translation: You mean it! You feel it! You're not just parroting it back to me out of habit.

One word answers need not apply. When asked a question please elaborate don't' answer a question with a question. Responses should include - the facts of the matter, how it makes you feel, and your opinion.
Translation: One word answers give the impression that you are being bothered by my need to converse, question for question = evasive and I don't want to guess what you feel - I don't know or I wouldn't ask.

If I do something you like, say thank you or acknowledge the behavior positively. I.E. Tell me I look nice (even if you think I did it for some other reason than you.)
Translation: You noticed me!

I want to know that you miss me, I want to feel wanted and I need your affection, attention and love!