35 Days to Go

Long overdue update. Sorry it's taken so long for those of you who have been worried about me, but there was/is a huge emotional war raging inside me but we'll get to that.

June 24th the Doc says I have Hematosalpinx : Collection of blood in a fallopian tube. It is affecting my right tube and is 13 x 8 cm positioned across my abdomen all the way to my left fallopian tube. Because it is so large I do not qualify for the vaginal or laproscopic procedures and am headed for a bilateral salpingectomy - that is the removal of both tubes. The surgery is August 27th and will take 6 weeks to heal as she will be doing a bikini line cut through my abdominal muscles.

She will not be removing the uterus because there is nothing wrong with it and wants to take both tubes to prevent the possibility that in a year the other tube will have the same problem. As for the part of this little visit that was detrimental to me emotionally. She said my ovaries were producing normal levels of hormones, that it would not be worth taking them out and forcing menopause so early and that the mood swings were being caused by something else.

To this point Dash and I were able to deal with the wild swings and myriad feelings that were/are without pattern and cause because we believed I could not control it. I had even started taking a pill that was supposed to balance my estrogen levels and promote the production of progesterone. To which I actually had believed to that point was helping me.

Dash and I had had previous discussions about the effectiveness of placebo treatments and both agreed that the mind is a considerably powerful instrument and that even a placebo was worth while if it accomplished something positive. He asked me after the appointment if I was going to continue taking them and I said I was, and did right up to the point where I ran out of them and had no money to replace them. As I found out a week later they aren't a placebo I had a real doozy of a mood on Monday and started taking them again that night.

Both of us were a little thunderstruck about the idea that I was just "being a bitch all on my own". He said this as a JOKE on our way out of the building and I took it for that from him but on the drive home I couldn't get over the inescapble truth of it. There isn't enough sorry in the world for how I'd acted to him or to the Ladybug.

I have spent the last month in emotional turmoil. I knew I needed to update but I also know I only relay facts, when it gets to the truth about my emotions I refuse to tell because I fear what will be thought by others. I'm deathly afraid someone will come along someday and tell me I am clinically fucked up. My mom and half brothers are bi-polar and it scares the hell out of me to think I might have psychological problems.

My first initial reaction before the last Doctor visit consisted of me trying to figure out why Dash would stay with me if we could not have sex and why he would put up with my moodiness.

Dash's only reply to this was that he loves me. When asked what he loves, he says "You being you." I hate this because it is non-specific but Dash seems to think it's a more than ample response. I also realize that I haven't been me for sometime now and am making positive changes as we go. Maybe 7 years down the road of true love I still don't understand it. It may well be that it is never the less true, love is more than enough to hold him here.

I began to examine why I thought he would/should leave and it came down to this ~ when people get married they vow to stay together through the good times and the bad, sickness and health. He in my mind had not signed up for this. I was/am a burden that he should not have to bear. Who in their right mind gets into a relationship looking for hardships?

My friend told me that she thought I placed to much emphasis on the sexual component of romantic relationships, that the reason people get into them is for the bond, the trust, the comfort. I'll add that I think it's also for support and emotional security.

Another friend told me that he thought we had just reached this point in our relationship where we are so comfortable and know each other so well that there isn't much to say and that the silence in long-term relationships is not resentment but contentment.

At one point Dash admitted that he felt kind of like he was failing me because he was unable to compensate for my loss of income when I most needed the support and that there are only 2 things about me he really doesn't like. The moodiness (and that only the last 3 months) the other was my weight (he loves me as I am but wishes I felt better about my outward appearance).

Somewhere in all of this I began looking for the worst in him and of course I found what I wanted to find. None of it true. And becuase I will believe what I want to believe he began to withdraw.

I'm also going to assume that he is more concerned about my well being then he allows me to know. It comes off as unemotional but I think he's trying to bear more of the burden than he should and I am doing the same and the stress creates this distance between us neither of us is willing to bridge for the sake of hurting the other. What cooks the noodle is that it becomes concentric in so much as that we end up hurting each other anyway.

I wish with my whole being that I could simply except what it is and stop the constant questioning of my own worth to him. He loves me. That's more than enough. That's all there is there isn't anymore.