Silence Isn't Golden

While I have been awful this last year and my actions have created hard feelings for Dash, I know that I have a lot to make up for and even more to prove and because of all this I have not fostered a want in him to be close, it is none the less hard for me.

I am also aware for the majority of my life I have placed to much importance on sex as a conduit to express love. This truth however does not negate the fact that as a human being a physical connection by means of affection is necessary to exist and grow.

This in no way is me discounting that with which I am blessed - namely his continued presence through the tumult, asking about my day and my preferences as to what I'd like to watch on TV, kisses when he gets home and before he goes to bed at night. His appreciation for the meals I prepare and helping move the cars around when all he wants to do is nap.

I know it will take time and vigilance - work on both our parts in order to grow close once more but I can't keep from hurting and feeling isolated because those are the seeds I sowed and the crop I shall have to reap.

My silence these days is mostly just me trying to gain insights into my own feelings. I have decided examining these for 2 days before speaking is a good - also imperative - practice for me in order to sort and understand the rubbish within. I am not angry only keenly aware that I wish to do neither of us further harm with rash words or actions.

I'd like to be able to say these things to him but we've talked all this through before and I know why it is the way it is and that only time and persistence will mend it. The real problem is I'm to worried about doing the wrong thing and making it worse or causing him to feel smothered instead of just being me and doing what I would like to - which is hug him, kiss him, laugh with him and most of all to feel as though those are things he wants me to do.