The Why . . .

On Monday Dash came home practically bursting at the seems, the recruiting office had called to tell him he was scheduled for basic on September 13th but wondered if he would be interested in deploying for May 24th should a position become available.

At first I was elated - his dream finally coming true - the much anticipated alone time I thought I needed to screw my head on right - better possibilites for his happiness - advancement and pay raises. Maybe the change for the better for both of us.

And then I began to see all the things we would miss doing together - my family reunion - his birthday - Father's day - Bug's birthday - his visits with Mishka - and the fact of the matter is our relationship is just starting to mend. Because of this latter the bond is not quiet as strong as I'd like as I am still having bouts of loneliness.

Now I realize most of these things are petty next to the fulfillment of his dreams and future happiness but I spent the remainder of the night fighting back tears.

Yes - tears. For one simple thought plagued me, I knew I would lose him one way or the other. When I looked back on it, I thought a different mitigating circumstance had created my insecurities but it would appear my worries began the moment he started the paperwork.

It was actually early June when I began the wishy washy indecisive thoughts and that's when he started down the path of this new journey, dragging me all be it unknown to both of us screaming after him.

Irrational or not I have lost a husband already to the military of which I have never quite dealt with. Oh I buried it deep and ignored it for as long as I could as often as I could but my subconscious has had that thought the whole blasted time. I will lose him one way or another.

Life is impermanence, I know this. The only constant is change, I know this. Despite what I know it is the evil I try and fail to fight. You can't stop either time or change and yet I waste my time worrying about doing just that.

The fear is I will lose months of time over the course of a year, he will be shipped away to war, he will die in war. I am already having a difficult time dealing with the space between us, how am I going to handle months maybe even years apart.

It really reads insignificant when typed like this and yet I am filled with anxiety. In order to find true peace I have potentially less than a month to learn to let go. At least I finally know why I had been looking for a reason to break up with him. Fear that I would lose him and be hurt so badly this time I never am able to love again.

Oh sure I know there are varied and different kinds of love and should my fears make it to fruition that I would eventually meet someone else but I have never loved nor been loved the way Dash and I have loved each other. I don't want to lose this, I don't want to survive it.

And then I asked myself the question - if I had known how it all would end would I have chosen to miss all our experiences to save me from this pain - and the answer is still, NO.

So I'm scared but I've decided I will learn to find a way to deal because I simply can't know how it will or won't be and that I will give it a chance to be what it's going to be, who knows perhaps it will all turn out to be bliss and happiness.

All things eventually end but I'll be better for having him and this love in my life and living each moment counting the joys along the way. I wouldn't trade all that we've had and all that we've shared for safe risk free living because that's not really living - it's the risk that makes us appreciate the best things that happen to us and I'm determined to have the laughter and the tears in equal blessed parts.