Try Success

Over the last year there has been a world of emotional shit that I have refused to deal with in here and perhaps internally as well. I now find it necessary to re-evaluate myself. This is an imperative step in my growth as a person. Before I told myself I was not recording these things because I simply could not go through with the character assassination - either Dash's or mine, but I need to be honest with myself, figure out where all of this has come from and deal with it or I stand to lose not only the love of my life but any possibility for future happiness, be it with Dash or not.

Step #1 start with myself, because I believe we create our own suffering in the pursuit of our desires and wants.

By July 2009 my medical situation created within me certain questions I had not asked of our entire 7 year relationship. Because the doctor was worried I might rupture something, because the pain and gross side effects of sexual intercourse were thus I began to wonder why Dash would stay with or be faithful to a woman he could not be intimate with.

Problem #1 is feelings of inadequacy - I had never experienced low self-esteem before.
His answer of course was because he loved me. I could not believe that love alone was enough.

Why?

The conclusion I have come to is more Freudian than I am really comfortable with but I traced the line back through all my relationships with men and it unfortunately begins with my father. As a child there was no one I admired more. I did everything he asked of me, I followed him everywhere, and watched all that he did.

As I grew into a a teenager there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be proud of me but he wanted me to be things I was not such as athletic and social. I however loved books and boys.

The fact that he wasn't really present half the time because of the Navy didn't help either. This is where I believe my want of things I can not have stems from.

As a family we were never really all that affectionate or expressive in our feelings. Of course as a teen I sought that which I lacked in all the wrong places, love could only ever be expressed physically, and I sought solace in the beds of many. For brief moments in time it was the only thing that made me feel wanted and therefore still resonates with me the same way.

Growing into an adult left me with these incorrect and devastating assumptions. I find myself repeating the patterns with Dash. I want nothing more than for Dash to love me, be proud of me and accept me for who I am.

For 7 years I believed he did and it was about this time that he revealed to me that he had always had an issue with my appearance - my weight he said had always been a problem, that guys are physically driven towards attraction - and that he had tried to subtly steer me towards the gym because he wished that I was as beautiful on the outside as I was on the inside, he wanted everyone to see in me what he saw. He also stated that it depressed him no end that his girlfriend did not care how she looked.

This was devastating to me along with the feelings of failure I associated with the duties of a girlfriend (sex). I had always believed that he thought I was beautiful and that he accepted me as I was and gave me the room to be me. I asked how he could possibly love me since I believe that in order to love someone you must accept all that they are as they are - you don't have to like everything they do or say but respect them as is - not try to change them or mold them into what you want them to be. Shallow or not he said he just wanted to help me be the best me I could be.

From this point I began to doubt everything. It made for an extremely volatile emotional state. Between dealing with the physical pain of my medical state and the ardent ambiguity it was difficult for either Dash or the Ladybug to correctly guess what I would explode over, forcing Dash to start keeping things from me in order to avoid conflict. I understand the inclination but it forced me into a situation were I felt abandoned. The more alone I felt the more I raged, the more I raged the further he withdrew.

Problem #2 Secret and lies.

In August Dash and I both blundered into some trust issues. He had an explicit conversation with another female which I stumbled upon not accidentally. I expressed my displeasure, he acquiesced to my wishes not to continue such habits and we decided to try to move forward. Stated thusly I am all to aware that I am minimizing it's complete destruction of my certainty not in his ability to be faithful but in my acceptance that his capacity to love me would hold true. I did not trust him with my heart, I did not trust him to love me. I was certain he would hurt me and I began to search for reasons to be rid of him before he could do so.

I found fault at every opportunity and invented logical reasons for why or how my theories could be correct. From supposition to outright lies that I told myself only served to push him further away and forced him much later to lie directly to my face because nothing he said or did would compensate for my mentality. I adamantly refused to believe anything he told me, so truth or lies I was unbearable.

Why is trust so important?

For Dash it's about his pride. He has ever been an honorable, steadfast companion. He is duty bound to his word and nothing is of more significance than his integrity. I had audaciouly brought that into question and injured him possibly beyond repair.

He NEEDS me to be able to depend on the strength of his character and give him the benefit of the doubt. Complete faith in another human being is at best as mythical to me as unicorns. Trust is the foundation that the seed of our relationship needs to blossom into love once more.

He has never given me reason to doubt, not really. Poor choices and minor mistakes, sure. But failure - not once. The truth is I have held the whole world at arms length from fear. For every embrace offered me a slap in the face was granted the child of kindness. Fear that I might truly care for someone and that I would be rewarded for that blindness with pain, a pain I believed I could not suffer and live. Yet live I do not, for life is love and pain, taking the risk and losing and being better for the experience. I can only be enriched by those who cross in and out of my life like ships in the night passing through the turbulence into the arms of the moonlit sea.

Problem # 3 Let it be what it is . . . you can't fight the truth.

And then Sunday the 11th I did the unspeakable, for no good reason I kicked him out of our bed and our home in the middle of the night. Over the last year I have desperately tried to do everything in my power right down to the despicable to set him free of the horror that is me. I have been childish, unfair and wrong at every turn and still he comes back to me time and again, I don't deserve him and yet he has granted me this ONE LAST CHANCE to just allow him to love me and I'm afraid I'm going to fail but I am going to TRY!

So I shall measure my days by my successes not my failures. For success is the journey of joy not a destination of circumspect wallowing.

Overview

I spent the majority of last year in emotional hell brought on by medical trauma. Woman's dirty little secret of the girly bits actually centers around the feelings of inadaqucy and for me especially brought to the forefront nothing I had ever expeienced before - self doubt.

I actually didn't recognize myself. The things I thought, how I felt or my reactions to any given thing. A year later I am still asking unanswerable questions of Dash and myself.

It's really simple, he is mine, he loves me, I'm wacky but it was always part of the package and I'm just that special to him because I am the love of his life and he doen't want anyone else regardless of how emotionally all over the map I am because that's the female condition.

Now if I could just accept that there really is no answer to "why". Never was.

Drunken Clarity

What you have taken for granted can just as easily be revoked as that which you demand. Beware your self righteousness. I have been tolerant, even submissive. You are the fortunate one. I am absolutely a catch. Trusting, honest, admiring but your worthiness flags at every negative proclamation.

I am sexy, intoxicating, exciting, spontaneous and you're a passive, procrastinating ass that I have granted more power than you are wothy of. Your childish inability to admit when you are wrong, your measures to take steps to finalize what you see as your divine right must come to an end.

The bitch is back!

Bad Bad Brain

I'm having a bad day inside my head.

It started with me wondering what exactly he's said to his family about our "problems". He claims only to have told his parents that we are having some but with no details. Now mind you his mom and sister have never really liked me. The mother because I would not agree with everything she said and I'm not Polish. The sister because for the first 2 years she believed I had broken up her brother's marriage. There are many other minute issues I'll not delve into.

I keep telling myself what they think doesn't matter only what he wants really amounts to anything and that regardless of what he deems worthy to tell them is his perogative because they are his support system and he is entitled to their support, understanding and advice. It's the advice I really worry about since they don't like me I expect them to encourage him to leave me. Plus I may have to attend another family function soon and fear for my comfort level not knowing what they know.

This moved me into thoughts of what he really thinks and what is he really saying when I am not there to defend myself. Which of course brought me to thoughts of self-depreciation. Damn it I thought I was through with this awful feeling.

When I tell him how I feel now he says only that that's how I feel and he can't change my feelings. He doesn't even bother to rebuke that which he disagrees with because he says I will believe only what I want to - which in fairness is probably true.

He's not home yet and I keep repeating to myself,"Wait and see what his mood is like. Have a good day." This is not working. God how I hate this uncertainty I create. I used to be so alive, so happy, so clueless. I never worried about this shit before. Why can't I believe in myself?

And Then . . .

I've tried 3 times to start this post and I simply don't know where to begin and I'm sort of afraid if I type it I'll jinx it so let's start with the worst move to the sad and I'll try to get us around to the better.

The worst is I'm still sexually deprived.

Here's the sad . . .

A week or so ago Farjef (co-worker) and I had been kidding around at work about my being deprived and now that he was single he could service me. This ABSOLUTELY was a joke because Farjef is most assuredly afraid Dash will rip his arms off and beat him to death with the bloody ends AND he's a might young for me. Besides we really don't think of each other that way but we play.

Any-old-way on his way past me he grabs my bum! I was shocked of course. The reason wasn't what you'd expect. It was because it had been so long since anyone had handled that part of my anatomy. I froze because the feeling had become alien to me. I'd noticed previous to this when Farjef and I would hug hello that it felt a little to nice, not in a sexual way just a human connection kind of way.

And then . . . 2 days ago McG (MGR) got a spot of good work related news grabbed both my shoulders and started bouncing up and down for joy. Again I was visited by this deer in headlights fright at being touched and I froze.

I've also noticed something else in my responses to touch, one night as we were getting ready for bed Dash laid across me to give me a hug, I kissed his neck and noticed how warm his skin was and underneath my lips I could feel his pulse.

These kind of things I never really paid much attention to that I now revel in, the heat of the human body, the quickening of another pulse and the electricity when bodies meet is strange to me. The freezing when anyone gets close to me I've experienced only one time before . . .

When my husband died everyone wanted to hug and touch me and I didn't want any thing to do with it. In my mind the one person who had the right to touch me was dead and I didn't want anyone not even my parents to take what was his.

I hadn't realized until McG grabbed me that since Dash wasn't touching me that I was making sure that I was not in close enough proximity to anyone for them to touch me. I do recall pushing off a few well meant hugs of condolence for when I'm sad but I wasn't aware the extent to which I've been making my isolation.

I don't think many people realize how much being touched and touching of others is necessary for mental well being what's sad is I am now painfully aware of it.

The better runs slowly but it is moving in a good direction. One night after another failed attempt at intercourse I was sitting alone sulking, smoking and wracking my brain about what else I could do to fix this.

Dash's check list of what he wants from me goes like this:

Stop expecting him to fail. Check, now I'm just disappointed when he does.
Stop being suspicious. Check, can't stop him if he's going to do something wrong - control issue managed.
Stop the BS. Check, when something not good is said or done I think about why it bothered me so much and why it should matter and the bomb in my head is defused.
Trust him. Hmmm. Well I trust him not to cheat on me. I trust him to tell me the truth. But what's this - I don't trust him to love me.

And then I thought about why he should/would. Haven't really been acting like me - moping, sad and deflated all the time. Well what the hell am I proud of myself for - so I started a weekly check what have I done that I am proud of.

I went to bed thinking all this stuff and woke up to the feeling as though the bad everyday was over. At first I was suspicious of my optimism been here done that got disappointed over and over and over but then I noticed it in him. He has begun to tell me about his weekends away, how his day was at work and asking me about mine without prompting. This is WAY new.

As well as he's reaching out to hold my hand instead of me going to him. Watching shows with the whole family for like 2 days in a row. He called my cell the other day to keep me informed and then came by the store (something he hasn't done for about 2 months) not once but twice. He's smiling more and joking a little.

Please, please don't let this be a jinx. It feels more normal like one day I just woke up and it was over. It isn't what it was yet and it may never be the same again. I can live with that - the only constant is change, maybe it'll just be different - in the best sort of way. I has pretty much despaired of us ever getting through this but I always believed it had the potential to be good again. I simply wasn't sure if we'd be able to tap into that potential with all that's happened, there was pain and bitterness - justified on both sides - that either of us might not have been able to forgive.

I can see a light now, however small and that means it isn't hopeless. As I've said before HOPE is all I NEED. I can deal with disappointment but without HOPE there's no point. And YES I love him even when it's sometimes hard to remember or feel. I will ALWAYS love him, I have loved him since I was 16 - once upon a dream.

And that is why WE are both still here. I'm not saying it isn't hard sometimes and I sort of wish more people would talk about the hard part and how they got through it and what really happened but even I couldn't bring myself to tell the details because you know what people will say and you convince yourself that it's different and unfortunately more often than not it isn't different and you should have done what others advised but sometimes it really isn't like anyone else's experiences.

Dash and I have always had a special dynamic and it works out that, that makes all the difference. We aren't typical or standard and that works for us. Now if I could only remember that.

No Hope

I haven't told him I loved him in 5 days. He said it on Wednesday but I honestly don't think he even notices I haven't. There were no kisses or hugs yesterday either which I am sure he attributes to his being sick and my not wanting to catch it.

After last night I'm not even sure I do love him anymore. I have been making efforts to make positive changes in my attitude, exercise, diet and job. I have even made it so far as to be mildly happy.

While I am trying to convince him he needs to stay home, go see a doctor and get better- which he is refusing saying all the Doctor will do is send him home tell him to rest and drink plenty of fluids plus time off means he isn't making money. I decided to reinforce that a Doctor can write him a prescription for antibiotics and that I may have a new job in the offing - he starts telling me not to get my hopes up over this possible opportunity and how he's heard the same lines before.

He says he doesn't want me to get my hopes up because I might be disappointed. I asked what was wrong with hope, he says nothing I just don't want you to get hurt. If there is no hope why would anyone do anything?

Night before last he was counseling a friend to never get married again because and I quote,"(Friend's name) you have even worse luck with women than I do."

I was taken aback, sort of felt like I should be offended and decided I was used to him saying thoughtless things that hurt me and didn't care enough to let it bother me. He says he was talking about his ex but it did give me a shock to realize he won't ever want to marry me and why. Then he'd be attached to another dead weight bad luck girl.

I bought a balance ball yesterday to help with my workouts as I am completely into it, this time I will succeed! Not because he wants it but because I am determined to be who I want to inside and out regardless of what others think. Up to this point he's been telling me he doesn't understand why I prefer to spend money going out to eat instead of on things that I want that will help me be prettier and feel better about myself. I asked if that was what he really wanted? He said "YES"!

However upon seeing the balance ball the first thing he says is,"Where are you going to keep that?" I was inwardly seething because his tone sounded like "why the hell did you waste money on that thing - that will never be used and is worthless" when asked he said he gave it 2 days before the cats popped it.

Really beginning to think I need to remove any and all negative influences in my life and it seems like anymore that's all he is. So why in the hell can't I tell him to leave? I mean I actually started to believe that I was all the reason for my sadness but it turns out Dash-zilla is the one tromping all my hopes and beliefs of positive possibilities into the ground and I am letting him. I've spent this entire day deflated and have plans to be anywhere that is else when he gets home.

What more can he do to me that he hasn't already done, I'm so heart-broken. He's betrayed me and apologized. He's demoralized me and makes plausible excuses. He's made our relationship into an asexual platonic wreck. Hell he even used to be my best friend but if you asked him right now what was going on in my life he wouldn't have the first clue because he doesn't ask and I don't want to tell him for fear of getting kicked in the teeth for finding some solace in hope.

Rejection Hell

Aug. 6th was the last time Dash and I have been intimate. Granted we weren’t supposed to be having relations due to my medical issues then but 6 weeks after surgery was Oct. 7th. I further allow that by Oct 7th our relationship problems were only just coming back from the land of “way out of control”. I also realize timing for my monthly visit and his subsequent illness kept us both from having the will or ability to follow through on any such activities.

I understand that he’s been sick, tired, and hurt his hands (got into a fight with a television – the tube is stronger than it looks). I accept that between financial, work and relationship stress (now when I say relationship stress I mean almost to the breaking point stress) that communion between the sexes wasn’t under the ideal conditions.

I agree that physically I could use some work. When I think about what I like about my body there isn’t much I would personally find enticing. This is hard for me to admit because I am rather ashamed of what follows but the list of things I would like to change includes:

Losing 26 pounds – smaller butt, flatter abs. (over the last month I’ve averaged 4 workouts a week, lost ½ inch on my bum and 2 lbs.)
Clearing up my acne. (costs money which is a slippery slope right now)
Addressing my athelete’s foot. (currently on 12 weeks of medication)
Gaining control of the chest break-outs.
Smoothing the skin on my legs. (exfoliating 3x a week and using lotion)

And eventually as a reward for losing the weight I would like to have a breast lift. That said the only thing he has admitted he would like is the weight loss and acne. With a guy smile and a wicked grin he has also said the breast lift wouldn’t hurt his feelings, most men wouldn’t mind a bit more in that area so it’s typical.

Having typed all of that out definitely shows that I really can’t blame him and yes I was absolutely honest with my feelings. However . . .

Last night as we were getting comfortable to sleep I rolled over to cuddle with the merest thought that maybe my being close could start something but not with any real intent, he giggled and told me a story about the monster under the bed, I joked right back and he left me an opening to try for at least oral. Of course his ticklishness and his removing my hand from his member put that to a grinding halt.

I rolled away and went to sleep. I can’t help that his rejection hurts EVERY single time it happens and since I am the one who always initiates I can’t help that it makes me feel inadequate in some way.

Admittedly our relationship is strengthening, and has only really felt anywhere close to normal for the last 2 weeks. For me though that connection to strengthen the romantic bond between us is not only wanted but bordering on necessary.

Knowing I can't blame him because it isn't his fault doesn't make me feel any better. I guess some part of me believes that if you REALLY love someone that the outside doesn't matter and you can and are still intimate with the person you proclaim to love because that feeling overwhelms you and manifests into something physical and beautiful between you.

A little voice inside my head that sounds amazingly like Dash just said,"I'm not ruled by my emotions."

"Okay," says I,"but can't they at least be strong enough to move you to passion?"

Only silence remains . . .