Kinda Weird

Yeah, okay it's kinda weird ya know.

As a toddler I was a good kid apparently, my dad says between 1 year old & 6 years old, he could pretty much tell me to sit, stay and wait and I would even if it took him 3 days to come back I'd still be there. This makes me wonder how many times he tried this little experiment, (cause I sure as hell don't remember) where he went, and for how long?

Then there is the story about my parents having friends over to play cards when I was an infant, it seems I was not fond of the pacifier. They gave it to me I'd spit it out and cry 'til they gave it back. After an hour of this they decided to tape the pacifier in my mouth. Yes, I said TAPE as in duct.

I remember my dad being my hero, I always wanted to spend time with him it didn't matter what he was doing I'd just stand around quietly watching and fetch his tools. It's probably why I can change my own flat tire and do my own tune up.

I have to say I truly adored the man up until I was about 22 and figured out what a dick he can be. Now mind you he's a good guy for the most part I was taken care of. Even if there were lots of mistakes raising me ~ (which he still refuses to acknowledge or apologize for). His response to my open hostility and bitterness "you're childhood wasn't so bad".

Nope wasn't bad at all ...

1. Got molested at age 5.

2. I have absolutely no memory from the age of 1 - 11. I'm afraid of what my subconscious decided I didn't need to remember.

3. Watched my grandfather die from being hit by lightening.

4. Dad beat the shit out of me when I was 12 with the belt buckle end of his belt for lying. Which resulted in a black eye bruises up my back and down one leg. The school called it in and we had counseling (which he doesn't believe in).

5. That same year my mom had a mental break and forgot who we all were. So I had to take to raising her.

6. My 1/2 brother (adopted by my aunt and uncle - yep let them in-breed redneck jokes start rolling I've NEVER heard them before ~ he was also my cousin) molested/raped me. I couldn't tell my mom she'd have another episode and I couldn't tell my dad cause he'd kill him literally and then go to jail.

7.Had to talk my mom out of blowing her head off with a gun when I was 16. She kicked me out of the house then threatened to kill herself if I left. When I got the gun from her it wasn't even loaded. I laughed she cried.

6.Had my first child unwed at the age of 19. A year to the day I graduated high school.

7.Became a widow with a 4 month old baby at the age of 21.

8. Got involved with a man who mentally abused me for 6 years before running off with our 2 year old son.

9. Oh did I mention we moved every 6 fucking months. Which made it hard for me to make friends because I was always an outsider.

I'm not by any means complaining. I wouldn't change a thing, it made me who I am. I am strong, confident, independent. I learned to deal. I am the only one (until Dash) that I know I can count on. I am a fighter and my path led me to Dash. If he is my reward then it was all worth it and if he's just my miracle, (that I certainly don't feel I deserve) then I accept the gift humbly.

Everyone has thier things that they go thru while their growing up. Dash used to get beat up on a daily basis at school clear thru 8th grade until he decided to start fighting back. And hey ~ We're not dead! (Although, I'm sure at one time or another we wished we were to some extent.)

At any rate once I moved away from home I only call them about once a month. I care I know I do, but I'm not sure 'love' is the word I would use to describe that feeling.

So sometime after I got married I decided to bury all the demons and skeletons in my closet. Deal with it and move on. It hurt some feelings but I had to talk to those people to get my closure.

It was about that time my mother did some real hard thinking and decided to stop trying to control and/or change me. She began to accept me for who I was and I stopped being bitter about having to raise her and my father always choosing her over me.

So for the last 7 years or so we've been getting along. I call her we laugh, we cry, and today I found us talking about relationships, whether or not dad hot chatting an old ex (I mean like ex x 35 years) was cheating or not. And maybe she should wrap herself in cling wrap and put a bow on her assets just to find out what the old fart would think of that. Heart attack I imagine since my mom has never loved sex (sick, just sick).

SO in conclusion I have to say...

Yeah, okay it's kinda weird ya know.