Entranced

Let me do a brief boyfriend history, throughout High School I had approximately a boyfriend a year. No more than that unless my military father moved us to another city or another state, but usually only one major relationship a year.

After High School I decided relationships fell second to learning to live alone, besides I had a very short attention span so the relationships usually only lasted for 6 months and being by myself the rest of the year. For me the fun was in the thrill of the hunt, but once captured boredom was quickly on my heels and off on the prowl I’d want to be again.

I married F. at 20. That lasted from dating ‘til death 1 year and 3 months. I spent 5 months locked in my house like a hermit. Slowly I ventured forth, went on vacation to Vegas to get away from all my responsibilities (a story for another time perhaps). Another 3 months went by where I reached out to strangers in the darkness across cyberspace to a local BBS’.

The friends I made on these listened without judgment, advised without disdain or rushing me to move on, they encouraged me to come to their picnics but when I refused they did not persist. Finally I decided I’d had enough of being alone, crying on the cold tile kitchen floor or my keyboard and joined a board that had a rep as a meat market.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just some fun, some friends, some good times. It took them 4 months to convince me to come to a weekend meet at a pool hall. I tested the waters but found I could not stand the sensation of human touch. The only person with the right to lay their hands on me had died.

I did meet a few of the people I’d been talking with and had a few dates that left me feeling like an ice princess. I thought maybe I would never be able to feel anything again. I was numb, absent of all feeling except repulsion and sorrow.

Then the experiments began, could I have sex with someone other than my husband? What feelings if any would that evoke? Could I reach climax? 2 attempts and both made me feel even deader inside than I thought possible.

They obliged my advances, I did orgasm, but once I was done it was, “Thank you. Good night, don’t call me I’ll call you. Here’s your coat" as I escorted them to the door wearing only a sheet, locking the door behind them and going to my room to watch movies all night without giving them a second thought.

I still perused the CP BBS and found a flirtatious soul Bri. Something mesmerized me about the way he spoke, like being in a dark tower with a balcony in the dead of night. Sheer white curtains blowing in the wind. A sultry voice on the caress of a summer’s breeze. Like a siren song I was entranced, but happy to leave the voice unseen, unnamed, unmarred a perfect fantasy I did not wish to spoil.

Eventually the lull pulled me out to another weekend meeting. I wanted to catch a glimpse, nothing more. And when I finally saw him he was a bright star, a golden boy, with golden hair and blue eyes. My tiger’s soul laid down at his feet.

We flirted, we talked and the more time I spent with him the more ensnared I became, the world around us to fade and blur. So much in common, both so pained. His lips like rose petals kissed with dew. His breath sucked the air out of the universe when it mingled with mine. We were in a bubble of our own making alone together. I took him home with me that night and he didn’t leave for over a year.

And his parting was begrudgingly. I had seen to it that the future we could have had was smashed. He was the mirror of myself and I was not ready to see what I could be beneath the rays of his loving night gaze. Yes that’s right I cheated on him, it was the fastest surest way I knew to drive him from my embrace. I did not then believe I deserved what he had to offer and to this day regret and pay for what I did to him.

I spent the next 6 years condemned to the hell of my own making with the one I cheated on him with CJ. Bri was of course righteously angry and I deserve whatever ill he wishes on me. But low 8 years later he forgave me my transgressions and is my loving gilded guide. He is my best friend aside from Dash he is always there when I need him no matter how much time passes and misses me when I stay away to long. I do not pretend to understand the nature of his ability to forgive me, or his ability to stand beside me and let me cry vent and or use him as I see fit.

Except that we still have much to learn from each other, we are bonded he and I never to be parted. I am comforted that we transcend all things together but find it equally strange that the person I am bound to is not Dash. But they are separate things the love I harbor for Bri is of friendship for my mentor. Our friendship is deeper than that and I haven't done it justice or helped you understand the debit and credit he is owed by me. I wish very highly not to cheapen it in any sense. Bri is the voice of reason when I lose my way and think I do not deserve Dash.

While the love that boils in me for Dash is that of an eternal twin flames that can not be done justice with any word or deed. Dash is my life, my happiness, my joy, my laughter, my strength he is all things good and more.