Balance

It was midnight and I had been taping F.’s favorite show at the time Quantum Leap it was one of my favorite episodes although I can’t remember anything about it now except the pretty lady with the bright blue eyes. I don’t remember turning the TV off. I also don’t remember any sounds except that of my own blood rushing thru my ears.

And then he began…’We’re sorry to inform you… (a speech I knew well ~ my father had also been a Navy man and once had to perform this unpleasant task. He told me back when I was just 16 that he hoped as long as he lived he would never have to do any such thing again and is haunted to this day by the hatred in that woman’s eyes ~ don’t kill the messenger…just blame him and hate him.)…that your husband…

My mind was running a mile a minute…’he’s been hurt and they're here to escort you to the hospital...’ ...died this evening while performing routine maintenance on an ejection seat.

I had not spoken the entire time they were there until I screamed “NO. THIS HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF JOKE!” He assured me it was not. Asked if there was anyone to call. His best friend I said, they phoned and he said, “This has to be some kind of joke.”

After S. arrived they left me alone with him and his girlfriend. He made calls, people came over, I cried, they cried, and we all hugged. 5 hours later I decided that there were things that needed doing and that I had to do them. I was his wife but I had only known him 1 year and 3 months and there were people who loved him who needed a strong rock to lean on and I would be it. I called his family and mine. Then I left Ladybug with one of the ladies gathered to go clean out his locker at work and pick up our car.

I arranged the funeral in his home state near his mother. I picked out the plot and headstone. I bought myself a plot. At the funeral I took care of his mother. No mother should ever have to bury her child. They gave his sister, his mother and I a folded flag and we all leaned together and cried. Then came the part I forgot was coming and to this day I can not bear it…The 21 gun salute. His mother did not know to expect this and I had forgotten, she screamed and I wailed.

I stayed with her for 3 months. She still has not gotten over it and I’m sorry to say we’ve drifted. I still keep in touch with his sister as often as I can and Ladybug visits every summer I have the money and time to take her. I want Ladybug to have the opportunity to ask them the questions about her father that I do not know. I want her to know her heritage and that side of the family. I wish with all my heart for his mom, for his sister, for his daughter that we had divorced and hated each other as opposed to this. I would bear the pain so long as they could keep him.

If I’ve been vague it’s because I know not how to convey what this did to me and if you have questions, please do not hesitate to ask. I’ve been asked so often that I’ve grown numb it is a fact of life, it happened and I lived it. We live, we die and the survivors, survive. As for me I truly believe that Dash was hand picked by my angel F. and that he is proud, finally of the road his daughter and I are on. And that our happiness is a testament to his life and his love, we honor him to do our best to remember him, miss him everyday, and love him still more than words can say.

There are reasons for everything that happens, though I don't assume to know them or like them at all sometimes. We are where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there. Every experience is a lesson to be learned, every person that touches our lives a teacher, it is a preparation for what lies ahead. For everything there is a balance, bad so we can appreciate the good. Sad so that we can experience joy. Everything, everyone, every act, every choice is connected.