Rejection Hell

Aug. 6th was the last time Dash and I have been intimate. Granted we weren’t supposed to be having relations due to my medical issues then but 6 weeks after surgery was Oct. 7th. I further allow that by Oct 7th our relationship problems were only just coming back from the land of “way out of control”. I also realize timing for my monthly visit and his subsequent illness kept us both from having the will or ability to follow through on any such activities.

I understand that he’s been sick, tired, and hurt his hands (got into a fight with a television – the tube is stronger than it looks). I accept that between financial, work and relationship stress (now when I say relationship stress I mean almost to the breaking point stress) that communion between the sexes wasn’t under the ideal conditions.

I agree that physically I could use some work. When I think about what I like about my body there isn’t much I would personally find enticing. This is hard for me to admit because I am rather ashamed of what follows but the list of things I would like to change includes:

Losing 26 pounds – smaller butt, flatter abs. (over the last month I’ve averaged 4 workouts a week, lost ½ inch on my bum and 2 lbs.)
Clearing up my acne. (costs money which is a slippery slope right now)
Addressing my athelete’s foot. (currently on 12 weeks of medication)
Gaining control of the chest break-outs.
Smoothing the skin on my legs. (exfoliating 3x a week and using lotion)

And eventually as a reward for losing the weight I would like to have a breast lift. That said the only thing he has admitted he would like is the weight loss and acne. With a guy smile and a wicked grin he has also said the breast lift wouldn’t hurt his feelings, most men wouldn’t mind a bit more in that area so it’s typical.

Having typed all of that out definitely shows that I really can’t blame him and yes I was absolutely honest with my feelings. However . . .

Last night as we were getting comfortable to sleep I rolled over to cuddle with the merest thought that maybe my being close could start something but not with any real intent, he giggled and told me a story about the monster under the bed, I joked right back and he left me an opening to try for at least oral. Of course his ticklishness and his removing my hand from his member put that to a grinding halt.

I rolled away and went to sleep. I can’t help that his rejection hurts EVERY single time it happens and since I am the one who always initiates I can’t help that it makes me feel inadequate in some way.

Admittedly our relationship is strengthening, and has only really felt anywhere close to normal for the last 2 weeks. For me though that connection to strengthen the romantic bond between us is not only wanted but bordering on necessary.

Knowing I can't blame him because it isn't his fault doesn't make me feel any better. I guess some part of me believes that if you REALLY love someone that the outside doesn't matter and you can and are still intimate with the person you proclaim to love because that feeling overwhelms you and manifests into something physical and beautiful between you.

A little voice inside my head that sounds amazingly like Dash just said,"I'm not ruled by my emotions."

"Okay," says I,"but can't they at least be strong enough to move you to passion?"

Only silence remains . . .