And Then . . .

I've tried 3 times to start this post and I simply don't know where to begin and I'm sort of afraid if I type it I'll jinx it so let's start with the worst move to the sad and I'll try to get us around to the better.

The worst is I'm still sexually deprived.

Here's the sad . . .

A week or so ago Farjef (co-worker) and I had been kidding around at work about my being deprived and now that he was single he could service me. This ABSOLUTELY was a joke because Farjef is most assuredly afraid Dash will rip his arms off and beat him to death with the bloody ends AND he's a might young for me. Besides we really don't think of each other that way but we play.

Any-old-way on his way past me he grabs my bum! I was shocked of course. The reason wasn't what you'd expect. It was because it had been so long since anyone had handled that part of my anatomy. I froze because the feeling had become alien to me. I'd noticed previous to this when Farjef and I would hug hello that it felt a little to nice, not in a sexual way just a human connection kind of way.

And then . . . 2 days ago McG (MGR) got a spot of good work related news grabbed both my shoulders and started bouncing up and down for joy. Again I was visited by this deer in headlights fright at being touched and I froze.

I've also noticed something else in my responses to touch, one night as we were getting ready for bed Dash laid across me to give me a hug, I kissed his neck and noticed how warm his skin was and underneath my lips I could feel his pulse.

These kind of things I never really paid much attention to that I now revel in, the heat of the human body, the quickening of another pulse and the electricity when bodies meet is strange to me. The freezing when anyone gets close to me I've experienced only one time before . . .

When my husband died everyone wanted to hug and touch me and I didn't want any thing to do with it. In my mind the one person who had the right to touch me was dead and I didn't want anyone not even my parents to take what was his.

I hadn't realized until McG grabbed me that since Dash wasn't touching me that I was making sure that I was not in close enough proximity to anyone for them to touch me. I do recall pushing off a few well meant hugs of condolence for when I'm sad but I wasn't aware the extent to which I've been making my isolation.

I don't think many people realize how much being touched and touching of others is necessary for mental well being what's sad is I am now painfully aware of it.

The better runs slowly but it is moving in a good direction. One night after another failed attempt at intercourse I was sitting alone sulking, smoking and wracking my brain about what else I could do to fix this.

Dash's check list of what he wants from me goes like this:

Stop expecting him to fail. Check, now I'm just disappointed when he does.
Stop being suspicious. Check, can't stop him if he's going to do something wrong - control issue managed.
Stop the BS. Check, when something not good is said or done I think about why it bothered me so much and why it should matter and the bomb in my head is defused.
Trust him. Hmmm. Well I trust him not to cheat on me. I trust him to tell me the truth. But what's this - I don't trust him to love me.

And then I thought about why he should/would. Haven't really been acting like me - moping, sad and deflated all the time. Well what the hell am I proud of myself for - so I started a weekly check what have I done that I am proud of.

I went to bed thinking all this stuff and woke up to the feeling as though the bad everyday was over. At first I was suspicious of my optimism been here done that got disappointed over and over and over but then I noticed it in him. He has begun to tell me about his weekends away, how his day was at work and asking me about mine without prompting. This is WAY new.

As well as he's reaching out to hold my hand instead of me going to him. Watching shows with the whole family for like 2 days in a row. He called my cell the other day to keep me informed and then came by the store (something he hasn't done for about 2 months) not once but twice. He's smiling more and joking a little.

Please, please don't let this be a jinx. It feels more normal like one day I just woke up and it was over. It isn't what it was yet and it may never be the same again. I can live with that - the only constant is change, maybe it'll just be different - in the best sort of way. I has pretty much despaired of us ever getting through this but I always believed it had the potential to be good again. I simply wasn't sure if we'd be able to tap into that potential with all that's happened, there was pain and bitterness - justified on both sides - that either of us might not have been able to forgive.

I can see a light now, however small and that means it isn't hopeless. As I've said before HOPE is all I NEED. I can deal with disappointment but without HOPE there's no point. And YES I love him even when it's sometimes hard to remember or feel. I will ALWAYS love him, I have loved him since I was 16 - once upon a dream.

And that is why WE are both still here. I'm not saying it isn't hard sometimes and I sort of wish more people would talk about the hard part and how they got through it and what really happened but even I couldn't bring myself to tell the details because you know what people will say and you convince yourself that it's different and unfortunately more often than not it isn't different and you should have done what others advised but sometimes it really isn't like anyone else's experiences.

Dash and I have always had a special dynamic and it works out that, that makes all the difference. We aren't typical or standard and that works for us. Now if I could only remember that.