Bad Bad Brain

I'm having a bad day inside my head.

It started with me wondering what exactly he's said to his family about our "problems". He claims only to have told his parents that we are having some but with no details. Now mind you his mom and sister have never really liked me. The mother because I would not agree with everything she said and I'm not Polish. The sister because for the first 2 years she believed I had broken up her brother's marriage. There are many other minute issues I'll not delve into.

I keep telling myself what they think doesn't matter only what he wants really amounts to anything and that regardless of what he deems worthy to tell them is his perogative because they are his support system and he is entitled to their support, understanding and advice. It's the advice I really worry about since they don't like me I expect them to encourage him to leave me. Plus I may have to attend another family function soon and fear for my comfort level not knowing what they know.

This moved me into thoughts of what he really thinks and what is he really saying when I am not there to defend myself. Which of course brought me to thoughts of self-depreciation. Damn it I thought I was through with this awful feeling.

When I tell him how I feel now he says only that that's how I feel and he can't change my feelings. He doesn't even bother to rebuke that which he disagrees with because he says I will believe only what I want to - which in fairness is probably true.

He's not home yet and I keep repeating to myself,"Wait and see what his mood is like. Have a good day." This is not working. God how I hate this uncertainty I create. I used to be so alive, so happy, so clueless. I never worried about this shit before. Why can't I believe in myself?