No Hope

I haven't told him I loved him in 5 days. He said it on Wednesday but I honestly don't think he even notices I haven't. There were no kisses or hugs yesterday either which I am sure he attributes to his being sick and my not wanting to catch it.

After last night I'm not even sure I do love him anymore. I have been making efforts to make positive changes in my attitude, exercise, diet and job. I have even made it so far as to be mildly happy.

While I am trying to convince him he needs to stay home, go see a doctor and get better- which he is refusing saying all the Doctor will do is send him home tell him to rest and drink plenty of fluids plus time off means he isn't making money. I decided to reinforce that a Doctor can write him a prescription for antibiotics and that I may have a new job in the offing - he starts telling me not to get my hopes up over this possible opportunity and how he's heard the same lines before.

He says he doesn't want me to get my hopes up because I might be disappointed. I asked what was wrong with hope, he says nothing I just don't want you to get hurt. If there is no hope why would anyone do anything?

Night before last he was counseling a friend to never get married again because and I quote,"(Friend's name) you have even worse luck with women than I do."

I was taken aback, sort of felt like I should be offended and decided I was used to him saying thoughtless things that hurt me and didn't care enough to let it bother me. He says he was talking about his ex but it did give me a shock to realize he won't ever want to marry me and why. Then he'd be attached to another dead weight bad luck girl.

I bought a balance ball yesterday to help with my workouts as I am completely into it, this time I will succeed! Not because he wants it but because I am determined to be who I want to inside and out regardless of what others think. Up to this point he's been telling me he doesn't understand why I prefer to spend money going out to eat instead of on things that I want that will help me be prettier and feel better about myself. I asked if that was what he really wanted? He said "YES"!

However upon seeing the balance ball the first thing he says is,"Where are you going to keep that?" I was inwardly seething because his tone sounded like "why the hell did you waste money on that thing - that will never be used and is worthless" when asked he said he gave it 2 days before the cats popped it.

Really beginning to think I need to remove any and all negative influences in my life and it seems like anymore that's all he is. So why in the hell can't I tell him to leave? I mean I actually started to believe that I was all the reason for my sadness but it turns out Dash-zilla is the one tromping all my hopes and beliefs of positive possibilities into the ground and I am letting him. I've spent this entire day deflated and have plans to be anywhere that is else when he gets home.

What more can he do to me that he hasn't already done, I'm so heart-broken. He's betrayed me and apologized. He's demoralized me and makes plausible excuses. He's made our relationship into an asexual platonic wreck. Hell he even used to be my best friend but if you asked him right now what was going on in my life he wouldn't have the first clue because he doesn't ask and I don't want to tell him for fear of getting kicked in the teeth for finding some solace in hope.