I tried to quit smoking again made it 2 weeks before I wanted to tear my own head off because I was a raging bitch. My chemistry simply will not allow me to be smoke free, I am a demon possessed and I don't like who I become. You can sit there in your far away judgment and sigh shaking your head all the while thinking this is just an excuse but I think those near and dear to me would disagree with you.
The dynamic at work had sort of taken on a rhythm. Lexar and I unfortunately do not get to see each other much anymore because if truth be told we together are covering the AM position and therefore trade off duties. McG had started to concentrate his efforts on the other store and quickly realized how valuable Lex and I are to him when we both got sick for a week (at the same time).
And of my 8 peers at work it had become apparent that 5 of them have taken to differing to my judgment. So even though I lack the title they have turned little by little to seeing me as a figurehead. McG seemed to notice this one evening when roused from my bed at midnight I sprang into action. He actually thanked me not once but twice. That's a first and about damn skippy time too.
As for mini dramas at work - well let's say it's a full on production now and that run away train can't be stopped and the fall out isn't going to be pretty.
Should I even bother to mention that last week I filed my first official work-related police report? I suppose it's note worthy. Flagrantly hostile customer refusing to leaving premises and verbally abusive to 3 representatives even though we tried to help her. Come to find out she is well known by the cops and not in a friendly way.
Dash still isn't sleeping and even more mired in Promotion Limbo Hell. This causes relationship issues, primarily in the sex department. I have to say though I'm not exactly in the mood these days myself.
I feel sort of lost and the only message that seems to be recurring right now is ~ Somethings once said can never be taken back, no matter how sorry you are, how misunderstood the statement might have been or even how innocently a joke might have been said.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Not Dead Yet
Okie-dokey then. Well first I'll say the psycho thing is attributed to 2 things. I had quit smoking which lead me to nit pick every damn thing so I started smoking again, gonna try to quit again in about 2 days....sigh. And two, my SAD was severe this year due to the weather.
The transition at RCI was difficult and the dust still hasn't settled thus my lack of update. Still have the restructure (possibly non-permanent) manager - McG.
I don't have the faintest idea where to begin to explain all of this. The loss of Sass's organizational skills became quickly apparent so Lexar and I began the tremendously tedious job of trying to baton down the hatches. By Easter with little-to-no idea of what I was doing I blew a gasket all over one impossible to please customer. During that week I had also managed to piss off one co-worker and alienate Orb. It seemed everyday I was making one enormous mistake after another.
It turns out that I had been putting to much pressure on myself to do things that weren't in my job description and sadly this is a 2 month cycle for me.
McG's managerial style and my own control freak personality are clashing even if only in my own mind. He is currently managing 2 stores one without an AM and I understand how easily this could stress him out or cause him to be forgetful, hell I can't even TRY to imagine running just one so I've tried to be understanding.
I've saddled myself with certain responsibilities and am currently trying to learn how to delegate certain tasks and share things. The problem with sharing those things I have taken as my own is that McG has come to rely on my doing these things (even if he won't admit it) so if I hand them off and they aren't done correctly who do you presume he turns the blame on? Right-O, little old frustrated me.
McG has a real need for now results which can be somewhat unorganized and I prefer to take things in a little more of a organized manner and do them right the first time, which granted takes a bit longer but reduces mistakes. It often feels like he is disappointed in everything I do and I assume he lays the blame with me (although I've been told he's just super tense about loss-prevention and it's nothing personal).
It really boils down to I haven't the proper training to do all that I do and am often blind-sided by some incoming phone call of something that needs doing right now when he's not around to consult. So I have to muddle through it and learn the hard way. I've asked for the training but it is slow in the coming especially since half of his time is spent elsewhere and part of me believes he has no faith in my abilities. I guess we'll see at what is supposed to be my 6 month review on the 10th.
Doesn't read half as bad as it feels especially since I glossed over the finer details of mini-dramas among the College Set. I am over-worked, under-paid and under-appreciated I guess that's normal and we all hate it but for the love of goodness I feel like I'm suffocating.
In other frustrations, Dash had been offered not one but two promotions - Security consulting for the firm he currently works for and Property Administrator for the company he works under. He went for an interview for the Consulting gig and they told him he had it in the bag but they had to wait for Accounting to arrange for the position through the Budgeting committee. This position would include quite the salary hike plus a clothing allowance and either a company car or a car allowance. This tickled the hell out of us both.
Dash because it validated his worth being offered 2 positions. He decided not to go with the Property Admin since it would mean to much time behind a desk pushing paper. And I was excited because either way we decided to go with the car issue it would me I would no longer be riding my bike the 4.5 kilometers to work.
Alas here we are a month later with no word on his start date and $2500 worth of repair work needing done on our current vehicle.
Can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S! That's on both of us. I can't get promoted because I'm to new and the trainer has split responsibilities and Dash is waiting.
Hello Limbo, sometimes I think Limbo is so much worse than hell could ever be. I DO NOT wait well!!!
The transition at RCI was difficult and the dust still hasn't settled thus my lack of update. Still have the restructure (possibly non-permanent) manager - McG.
I don't have the faintest idea where to begin to explain all of this. The loss of Sass's organizational skills became quickly apparent so Lexar and I began the tremendously tedious job of trying to baton down the hatches. By Easter with little-to-no idea of what I was doing I blew a gasket all over one impossible to please customer. During that week I had also managed to piss off one co-worker and alienate Orb. It seemed everyday I was making one enormous mistake after another.
It turns out that I had been putting to much pressure on myself to do things that weren't in my job description and sadly this is a 2 month cycle for me.
McG's managerial style and my own control freak personality are clashing even if only in my own mind. He is currently managing 2 stores one without an AM and I understand how easily this could stress him out or cause him to be forgetful, hell I can't even TRY to imagine running just one so I've tried to be understanding.
I've saddled myself with certain responsibilities and am currently trying to learn how to delegate certain tasks and share things. The problem with sharing those things I have taken as my own is that McG has come to rely on my doing these things (even if he won't admit it) so if I hand them off and they aren't done correctly who do you presume he turns the blame on? Right-O, little old frustrated me.
McG has a real need for now results which can be somewhat unorganized and I prefer to take things in a little more of a organized manner and do them right the first time, which granted takes a bit longer but reduces mistakes. It often feels like he is disappointed in everything I do and I assume he lays the blame with me (although I've been told he's just super tense about loss-prevention and it's nothing personal).
It really boils down to I haven't the proper training to do all that I do and am often blind-sided by some incoming phone call of something that needs doing right now when he's not around to consult. So I have to muddle through it and learn the hard way. I've asked for the training but it is slow in the coming especially since half of his time is spent elsewhere and part of me believes he has no faith in my abilities. I guess we'll see at what is supposed to be my 6 month review on the 10th.
Doesn't read half as bad as it feels especially since I glossed over the finer details of mini-dramas among the College Set. I am over-worked, under-paid and under-appreciated I guess that's normal and we all hate it but for the love of goodness I feel like I'm suffocating.
In other frustrations, Dash had been offered not one but two promotions - Security consulting for the firm he currently works for and Property Administrator for the company he works under. He went for an interview for the Consulting gig and they told him he had it in the bag but they had to wait for Accounting to arrange for the position through the Budgeting committee. This position would include quite the salary hike plus a clothing allowance and either a company car or a car allowance. This tickled the hell out of us both.
Dash because it validated his worth being offered 2 positions. He decided not to go with the Property Admin since it would mean to much time behind a desk pushing paper. And I was excited because either way we decided to go with the car issue it would me I would no longer be riding my bike the 4.5 kilometers to work.
Alas here we are a month later with no word on his start date and $2500 worth of repair work needing done on our current vehicle.
Can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S! That's on both of us. I can't get promoted because I'm to new and the trainer has split responsibilities and Dash is waiting.
Hello Limbo, sometimes I think Limbo is so much worse than hell could ever be. I DO NOT wait well!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
WDF? ! ? !
I do not have the slightest fucking clue what is wrong with me. For the last week I have been down right psycho. I am suspicious, paranoid and moody. There is absolutely NO reason for these feelings. I can't sleep, I can't focus and now I'm sitting here bloody well crying for not a flip of a reason.
...and before you ask NO i have not been tokin' any damn wacky weed!
On the inside I'm screaming with rage. On the outside I am smiling and crying. WDF? ! ? !
...and before you ask NO i have not been tokin' any damn wacky weed!
On the inside I'm screaming with rage. On the outside I am smiling and crying. WDF? ! ? !
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Ghosts of my Past
I've decided to transfer over my posts from the old Blog I used to haunt because I'd like to consolidate my web lives and be rid of certain bookmarks. It may take me a while to transfer every bit of 2 years (minus a few stupid posts of no consequence what-so-ever) so please be patient with me and feel free to peruse at your leisure. Enjoy!
Wow, I am really starting to notice while editing how very much I rambled. The transitions of my mind slip so easily that my focus doesn't read coherently half the time I am sitting here wondering what my own bloody point was, knowing if I don't understand it how the hell anyone else ever did is a mystery to us all I'd wager. ROFL. So if you decide to read the archives you've been warned!
Wow, I am really starting to notice while editing how very much I rambled. The transitions of my mind slip so easily that my focus doesn't read coherently half the time I am sitting here wondering what my own bloody point was, knowing if I don't understand it how the hell anyone else ever did is a mystery to us all I'd wager. ROFL. So if you decide to read the archives you've been warned!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Corporate Restructure
About a month ago I may or may not have mentioned that the company I work for would be restructuring come March. This will now become effective on February 13th.
A few directives have come down the pipe line.
Our retail outlet spans across 4 medias in one store, their first order of business was to separate 3 of the more technically diverse areas from the one entertainment specific one (the one I work in). Up to this point some of the employees have been in various stages and levels of training thereby mingling back and forth between the two counters. The change will effectively segregate us and anyone with the training has been told such expenses will not be allowed to waste and are therefore mandated to said Tech Savvy side.
With out making this more confusing let's just say the Manager (Orb), Assistant Manager (AM - Sass) and Head Shift Leader (HSL - Sario) all have this training and have been reassigned. The Manager who I truly have enjoyed working with is moving to an entirely different store altogether to head his own team of Tech Savvies. The AM will become the New Manager of our Tech Savvies and gain our best selling HSL to boot.
The Entertainers will be receiving a new Manager (with his own AM in tow). This change sort of leaves us with 7 college students, 1 housewife and me. As far as I have been able to ascertain only one (Lexar) of those is even remotely interested in advancing with this company and even she has been hedging towards the Call Center.
We are definitely in need of an HSL and it kind of falls to Lexar (who says she doesn't want it and doesn't have the availability to do it) and me who desperately wants to advance (but hasn't been with the Co. long enough to be promoted and lacks the training - which to be fair is hard to come by when you've had 3 bloody managers in 3 months). What's worse is we aren't sure if this manager is staying longer than a month.
Previously Orb and I had been deep in discussions about my career path which we both thought would eventually lead to my becoming a Tech Savvy. I started putting to much pressure on myself and the Co. began to change so Orb and I thought it best I pull back and let the dust settle before moving forward. I think I had decided on some level to not care and just let things flow as they may. Hell maybe I was even in denial because yesterday when I got the schedule for next week it all suddenly became real.
To this point I have been a 20 hr. a week employee (apparently you are a part timer unless you are Management) but of course the college set always calls in and I get offered more hours owing to the fact that I have open availability. Until this change I was 3rd in the line of who gets the extra hours Sario (Avg. hrs. per wk. ~ 35), Lexar(25), and last but certainly not least Me (25).
I know this seems like a stupid thing for me to be telling you but it's pertinent I swear! Next week I am scheduled for 34 HOURS!!! <--This is me jumping up and down with joy because finally I'm getting enough hours to live on...hold on.
Lexar is scheduled for 32. Oh shit, I'm the new Sario!!!
This is quite literally where my brain and all it's gears jammed and I stopped breathing for a full 5 minutes. Those are some huge shoes to fill. I mean the woman is a stellar sells person in either the Entertainers or the Tech Savvy capacity. When I grow up I wanna be just like Sario!
I'm still stunned and slowly piecing together the full repercussions of all this. Whereupon Sass (AM) sees fit to inform me that the new Manager wants to jump right on training me to open (which I have had a minute willy~nilly sort of not really volunteered training session once).
OMGoodness, as I sit here it is occurring to me that they realize Lexar is not a long term investment (she'll be toddling off after graduating to her chosen career next year) but has the training necessary to hold the ship together while I learn it.
Oh crap I haven't even had time to install the mouth filter yet (something Orb deigned necessary for me to achieve anything I wanted). You'd think being an entertainer would be simple and easy and perhaps not a real grown up job but let me tell you it is fast paced, requires lots of memory functionality and the ability to change with the speed of lightening, as well as being diplomatic and business minded.
I just told Dash yesterday I thought it best if we didn't buy a new car until October , you know giving us time to pay off some debt and raise our credit rating and now I just..
think...
perhaps...
I need a car by Thursday.
A few directives have come down the pipe line.
Our retail outlet spans across 4 medias in one store, their first order of business was to separate 3 of the more technically diverse areas from the one entertainment specific one (the one I work in). Up to this point some of the employees have been in various stages and levels of training thereby mingling back and forth between the two counters. The change will effectively segregate us and anyone with the training has been told such expenses will not be allowed to waste and are therefore mandated to said Tech Savvy side.
With out making this more confusing let's just say the Manager (Orb), Assistant Manager (AM - Sass) and Head Shift Leader (HSL - Sario) all have this training and have been reassigned. The Manager who I truly have enjoyed working with is moving to an entirely different store altogether to head his own team of Tech Savvies. The AM will become the New Manager of our Tech Savvies and gain our best selling HSL to boot.
The Entertainers will be receiving a new Manager (with his own AM in tow). This change sort of leaves us with 7 college students, 1 housewife and me. As far as I have been able to ascertain only one (Lexar) of those is even remotely interested in advancing with this company and even she has been hedging towards the Call Center.
We are definitely in need of an HSL and it kind of falls to Lexar (who says she doesn't want it and doesn't have the availability to do it) and me who desperately wants to advance (but hasn't been with the Co. long enough to be promoted and lacks the training - which to be fair is hard to come by when you've had 3 bloody managers in 3 months). What's worse is we aren't sure if this manager is staying longer than a month.
Previously Orb and I had been deep in discussions about my career path which we both thought would eventually lead to my becoming a Tech Savvy. I started putting to much pressure on myself and the Co. began to change so Orb and I thought it best I pull back and let the dust settle before moving forward. I think I had decided on some level to not care and just let things flow as they may. Hell maybe I was even in denial because yesterday when I got the schedule for next week it all suddenly became real.
To this point I have been a 20 hr. a week employee (apparently you are a part timer unless you are Management) but of course the college set always calls in and I get offered more hours owing to the fact that I have open availability. Until this change I was 3rd in the line of who gets the extra hours Sario (Avg. hrs. per wk. ~ 35), Lexar(25), and last but certainly not least Me (25).
I know this seems like a stupid thing for me to be telling you but it's pertinent I swear! Next week I am scheduled for 34 HOURS!!! <--This is me jumping up and down with joy because finally I'm getting enough hours to live on...hold on.
Lexar is scheduled for 32. Oh shit, I'm the new Sario!!!
This is quite literally where my brain and all it's gears jammed and I stopped breathing for a full 5 minutes. Those are some huge shoes to fill. I mean the woman is a stellar sells person in either the Entertainers or the Tech Savvy capacity. When I grow up I wanna be just like Sario!
I'm still stunned and slowly piecing together the full repercussions of all this. Whereupon Sass (AM) sees fit to inform me that the new Manager wants to jump right on training me to open (which I have had a minute willy~nilly sort of not really volunteered training session once).
OMGoodness, as I sit here it is occurring to me that they realize Lexar is not a long term investment (she'll be toddling off after graduating to her chosen career next year) but has the training necessary to hold the ship together while I learn it.
Oh crap I haven't even had time to install the mouth filter yet (something Orb deigned necessary for me to achieve anything I wanted). You'd think being an entertainer would be simple and easy and perhaps not a real grown up job but let me tell you it is fast paced, requires lots of memory functionality and the ability to change with the speed of lightening, as well as being diplomatic and business minded.
I just told Dash yesterday I thought it best if we didn't buy a new car until October , you know giving us time to pay off some debt and raise our credit rating and now I just..
think...
perhaps...
I need a car by Thursday.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Silent as Death
The pallor of gloom that sits upon our household, unseen, and yet barely even felt that is the thin veil of Dash's deliberate denial and avoidance of EVERYONE he told about this. Even though to anyone else he looks fine, smiles from time to time and even cracks jokes I can still feel him across the ocean that is OUR disappointment. He doesn't say anything. As a matter of course he is even quieter than usual if that is possible.
Thursday was bad but I knew that the next day would be worse because he had been telling all his facebook friends (who to their credit have been very supportive) can't seem to take the hint that he would really rather not rehash the same question over and over again. They mean well and I know they care but seriously people if he isn't singing, dancing and hanging from the rafters with joy then it would seem to me the answer you seek is evident.
I've battened down the hatches because I figure the storm to come is going to be so much worse since the calm is eerily like death. Pallid, cold and still. I've no idea how long it'll be before we see the sunshine of his truly happy smile again so I'll weather the surging tides and be here standing still and waiting to support him in his next endeavor.
As for me well I took it harder than he did. I just...well I believe in him. My heart, soul and mind were sold on dreams, all of them coming true in under a year. His and mine. I can't be sorry I feel that way! I'm shocked, stunned and devastated. More punishment for the wicked I guess. Perhaps we didn't have enough karma points between us to be worthy of having it all. Someday damn it. Someday!!!
Thursday was bad but I knew that the next day would be worse because he had been telling all his facebook friends (who to their credit have been very supportive) can't seem to take the hint that he would really rather not rehash the same question over and over again. They mean well and I know they care but seriously people if he isn't singing, dancing and hanging from the rafters with joy then it would seem to me the answer you seek is evident.
I've battened down the hatches because I figure the storm to come is going to be so much worse since the calm is eerily like death. Pallid, cold and still. I've no idea how long it'll be before we see the sunshine of his truly happy smile again so I'll weather the surging tides and be here standing still and waiting to support him in his next endeavor.
As for me well I took it harder than he did. I just...well I believe in him. My heart, soul and mind were sold on dreams, all of them coming true in under a year. His and mine. I can't be sorry I feel that way! I'm shocked, stunned and devastated. More punishment for the wicked I guess. Perhaps we didn't have enough karma points between us to be worthy of having it all. Someday damn it. Someday!!!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Not Quite Anything...
So Thursday morning was Dash's interview. It was to be the interview of a lifetime. The catapult to fulfilling his lifelong dream and the first corner in the foundation of all our hopes and dreams begun.
You know I don't even want to write it. If I do then it's real and I haven't the heart just now to summon the magical words that will make your heart sink. The words that will express my complete and utter despair.
That interview was his last grip on hope to get out of the stress that is his current position and all he can express is disappointment and inadequacy. I'm a little torn because I know it pains him and yet there is nothing I can do or say to fix that pain besides it would seem whenever I am in his presence now all I can do is tear up and remind him of what isn't happening (not this year anyway).
I just hate it when Lilith does that oh-so-spooky prediction subconscious message thing. I even hate her for not driving the bus Thursday afternoon and letting me look like a slobbering mess, my eyes all puffy and tears enough to fill a river in Cairo.
You know I don't even want to write it. If I do then it's real and I haven't the heart just now to summon the magical words that will make your heart sink. The words that will express my complete and utter despair.
That interview was his last grip on hope to get out of the stress that is his current position and all he can express is disappointment and inadequacy. I'm a little torn because I know it pains him and yet there is nothing I can do or say to fix that pain besides it would seem whenever I am in his presence now all I can do is tear up and remind him of what isn't happening (not this year anyway).
I just hate it when Lilith does that oh-so-spooky prediction subconscious message thing. I even hate her for not driving the bus Thursday afternoon and letting me look like a slobbering mess, my eyes all puffy and tears enough to fill a river in Cairo.
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