I’m never going to understand,
How I caught your eye
When there are so many more beautiful things
The moon rules the tide
The salty sea wind lifts the birds
Sun lights your skin
And somewhere deep within
You bring my spirit alive
I can feel your soul miles away
Embrace and surround me
I want to share this feeling with the world
I need them to know
I can’t keep it to myself
You have the part of me no one ever possessed
I’m so amazed at how much I love you
Never set me free
I need you to give me
Life, love and laughter
~ Forever!
Monday, January 3, 2005
Sunday, January 2, 2005
Strike 3...
...And the hits keep on coming. On Dash's way back from his visit with his daughter his car died. He thinks it's the alternator. One more thing to pay for. Amazingly I am not at all upset, normally I'd be pulling my hair out right now, but I ran the numbers and low and behold I think we can freaking pay to have the alternator and brakes fixed. Thank God for overtime paychecks with money above what was budgeted!
I'm hoping that's the end of this string of unfortunate events. *Fingers crossed. Eyes squeezed shut.* PLEASE!!!
I'm hoping that's the end of this string of unfortunate events. *Fingers crossed. Eyes squeezed shut.* PLEASE!!!
Saturday, January 1, 2005
Happy New Year!!!
Didn't start out as bad as I thought it might. Dash is off to visit his daughter for the weekend. It's a 3 1/2 hour drive. He got a late start due to having to work on 1 of his mandatory 3 days off. He called 2 minutes before midnight and had me do the countdown for him while he's driving. As the ball fell I began to cry I got to spend those first new moments with the love of my life after all. *sigh wistfully*.
Friday, December 31, 2004
That's Life
The stress level around here started to rise around the beginning of December. I had previously spent too much money upgrading my computer from an AMD Duron 850 Mhz with 256 MB RAM to an AMD Duron 2.0 with 512 MB RAM plus installation. All this right before I had to pay the hospital bill to have Ladybug's cast removed.
Those 2 things the last 2 weeks of November really killed the early x-mas shopping. Then I found out due to a mail mix up the Prosecuting Attorney from my home state was pressing charges against me, so I had to hire an attorney to fix it for me so I wouldn’t have to fly back to the states to handle it. Without the help of my Aunt I surely would have had no Birthday celebrations or Christmas presents.
Just 2 days ago my immigration attorney called and said he needed the Landing Fee ASAFP which I paid this morning. I still owe the Stateside Attorney and My Aunt for January.
We had planned on moving into our new house January 21st but that requires the first months rent, truck rental fees, and utility deposits. With the bills I already owe for my current state of indebtedness it just isn’t all possible so the moving day gets pushed to the last possible moment February 3rd and it’s all going to have to get done in one day.
Add to all that the stress, Dash started his new position as Mobile Manager for the Security firm he works for the week before Christmas and has been working between 8 and 16 hour days, he’s dog ass tired when he comes home and he has a lot of reorganizing before things run smoothly.
Neither of us is in any kind of intimate mood and when I get tense sometimes sex is the best release if things don’t line out soon we’ll both explode.
I haven’t been out of this damnable basement apartment to do anything but pay bills, do laundry and grocery shopping because it’s all we can afford. I’m addicted to my computer but lately it’s been boring me I want to eat out once in a while, rent movies once a week, do something beside sit here, sleep, watch TV, cook and clean.
And I most definitely want to spend time with my man. Talking to a 9 year old day in and day out gets very boring. Don’t get me wrong I love her but I sometimes require grown up conversations as opposed to what kind of cartoons are my favorite. Mind you his double sized pay check is going to help with the bill issue but when do we have time to enjoy what we work for?
Sorry I just had to unload, nothing much else is going on around here and I can’t finish the Love Case Studies because love is not what I feel right now. I’m so frustrated
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Love Case Studies ~ LCS5: Friendship
Platonic/Brotherly: I'm never quite sure what to make of the friendship with Dash's best friend Bizy. I'd say we're a support structure for the other but the truth is we can both stand just fine on our own. It is however a great relief to know there is a place of ease and comfort we can turn to.
I had to go away for 3 months during the summer (immigration issues). Bizy wrote to me that he missed me and things seemed blah since I left. My reply was 'I can't miss you. How can you miss something that's so much apart of you, you carry it with you everywhere you go?' I'm constantly referring to Bizy. as the Zen Master he wrote back 'Whose the Zen Master now?'
Bizy's life is at best chaotic. He likes a busy (hence the nickname)lifestyle and it suits him. He is ever calm and level-headed in the face of this onslaught. An air of serenity seems to permeate from his core no matter what.
When I returned he hugged me tight and wouldn't let go. Let me tell you the love I have for Bizy blurs the line sometimes, and while there's nothing romantic in the connection it's so close to that kind of love that I get confused. It's weird and hard to describe.
I know he is kindred. Chaos and pain is something we both understand. I've often thought if the lines of destiny had been draw just a tad differently that he and I would make a severely powerful couple. And tough like speaks to like in romantic relationships it's not the best idea, putting me up against someone that much like me would eventually lead to an explosion and we'd kill each other, have I mentioned how stubborn and strong willed I am?
I had to go away for 3 months during the summer (immigration issues). Bizy wrote to me that he missed me and things seemed blah since I left. My reply was 'I can't miss you. How can you miss something that's so much apart of you, you carry it with you everywhere you go?' I'm constantly referring to Bizy. as the Zen Master he wrote back 'Whose the Zen Master now?'
Bizy's life is at best chaotic. He likes a busy (hence the nickname)lifestyle and it suits him. He is ever calm and level-headed in the face of this onslaught. An air of serenity seems to permeate from his core no matter what.
When I returned he hugged me tight and wouldn't let go. Let me tell you the love I have for Bizy blurs the line sometimes, and while there's nothing romantic in the connection it's so close to that kind of love that I get confused. It's weird and hard to describe.
I know he is kindred. Chaos and pain is something we both understand. I've often thought if the lines of destiny had been draw just a tad differently that he and I would make a severely powerful couple. And tough like speaks to like in romantic relationships it's not the best idea, putting me up against someone that much like me would eventually lead to an explosion and we'd kill each other, have I mentioned how stubborn and strong willed I am?
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Love Case Studies ~ LCS4: Soul-mates
Soul-mates: I was thinking on Bri recently (as I often do some days his mere existence resonates my whole being). It occurred to me that the absolute reason we did not manage to make a go of it is two fold. 1.) Our relationship occurred 5 short months after the death of F. I wasn’t ready to accept that I was supposed to have anything in my life that made me happy and 2.) While I’m sure we did laugh I don’t remember us laughing. We were both so serious that we took the fun out of everything by over thinking it. Love needs laughter to grow and thrive.
Punishing Love: The exercise in pain that was CJ prepared me for the love that was to come by showing me exactly what I didn’t want in a relationship and that I did after all deserve more than I thought. CJ and I had very little in common including our opinions. Even the physical stuff wasn’t that good, he had my appetite and quite a lot more than my stamina (2 girls on the side). Anyway we played mind games and they weren’t without their lessons. Who could withstand the most shit? He won. Who could survive alone and happily? I won. It boiled down to neither of us really wanted to be alone for those 6 horrendous years and we were comfortable enough with the others crap to put up with it in order to avoid the dating scene. I also learned in the end what he really needed was for me to need him and I didn’t. I am a strong, independent, free-spirited soul. I didn’t need a man to validate me. I can change my own tire, do my own oil change, and am fairly handy when something gets broken, anything I needed to do I could do or I could learn to do on my own and the few things that were beyond me I could hire someone to do.
Maybe I’m strange but there’s a special place in my heart full of respect for the hard lessons taught me by both CJ and my father. All things need their opposite in order to balance. I needed to learn some hard lessons, pain and bullshit aside it really was the only way for me to see the truth I was in deep denial over.
That's what soul-mates are for, to teach and guide you even if the lesson sucks!
Punishing Love: The exercise in pain that was CJ prepared me for the love that was to come by showing me exactly what I didn’t want in a relationship and that I did after all deserve more than I thought. CJ and I had very little in common including our opinions. Even the physical stuff wasn’t that good, he had my appetite and quite a lot more than my stamina (2 girls on the side). Anyway we played mind games and they weren’t without their lessons. Who could withstand the most shit? He won. Who could survive alone and happily? I won. It boiled down to neither of us really wanted to be alone for those 6 horrendous years and we were comfortable enough with the others crap to put up with it in order to avoid the dating scene. I also learned in the end what he really needed was for me to need him and I didn’t. I am a strong, independent, free-spirited soul. I didn’t need a man to validate me. I can change my own tire, do my own oil change, and am fairly handy when something gets broken, anything I needed to do I could do or I could learn to do on my own and the few things that were beyond me I could hire someone to do.
Maybe I’m strange but there’s a special place in my heart full of respect for the hard lessons taught me by both CJ and my father. All things need their opposite in order to balance. I needed to learn some hard lessons, pain and bullshit aside it really was the only way for me to see the truth I was in deep denial over.
That's what soul-mates are for, to teach and guide you even if the lesson sucks!
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Love Case Studies ~ LCS3: Undying Love 2 Parental
Parental: I've learned more from my daughter than I've taught her. Not because of the innocent way children usually view the world at large but because the soul that resides inside her body is very old indeed and wise. I'm certain she isn't aware she does these things but it is moving none the less. We need each other and when the chips are down leaning into each other for support is our strength albeit tough sometimes for us to get along. We are forever bound and not just in your mother/daughter kind of way but kindred souls who've recognized each other.
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