It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

I am SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder). I used to think people claiming to suffer from this condition were full of it, then I moved to Canada. My first winter here was 6 solid months of stir crazy solitary and gloominess. The last 2 years winter sort of skimmed us here in the north and I knew I was going to be towing a line this year when it snowed in November. I'm beginning to think there is some other underlying issue this year because I feel like all 3 characters from The Shining are at war for control of my psyche lately.

Aside from my lack of ability to concentrate, sleeping 10 hours once I've completely exhausted myself into tortured sleep where nightmares plague my subconscious and the subsequent over analysis of certain anxieties, my need to nibble all the time (which may or may not be a throw back to the fact I quit smoking in November) I am also disconnecting or conversely over reacting to things that come into my purview.

What's worse is the common attitude about SAD is that it is a direct result of less light but I get plenty of that we have large windows all along the front of our store at work and I ride my bike to work 3 times a week so I am getting exercise and fresh air.

I've begun to wonder if the Bi-polar Bear in my family has finally come out of hibernation in me. This is the scariest of my depressive worries, everything else I can handle on my own. This one would actually need a doctor and I so don't want to play the let's analyze me game.

I know I am depressed it's the why part I can't find. This assessment is based on typical symptoms like being tired all the time but unable to sleep, bouts of uncontrollable crying (and at the most inappropriate times), a sense of hopelessness, spending money extravagantly (as though trying to buy my happiness - which I rationally know to not work) or is it all psychosomatic? At this point I really don't care I just want the mania that is my mood swings to stop causing me to lash out at the ones I love and to that end I'm going to try to self medicate with Omega 3 happy pills tomorrow and see if I can make it to May before I do something drastic like having my head shrunk.