I dreamed of Father Kelly last night. His kiss was sweet as honeysuckle nectar, his breath was consuming. The two of us wrapped under the midnight stars as he worshiped my very essence.
I'm going to hell because I want him just as much in reality!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
There has come a point in each day for the last 5 that I could not look upon the shambles and emptiness that is our lives and smile. I have become my father hiding in the whiskey, crying alone in a dark corner music playing to mask the sound.
He is happy I can see it on his face, eyes alight with a (singular) moment of normalcy and completely oblivious to my loneliness. I'm screaming on the inside while he rips the very soul from my body and he doesn't have a clue.
It's what he's calling "bullshit" and what I know to be my feelings. I have them I voice them or cry and it's "bullshit". So now I hide how I feel, I don't tell him a thing and cry in the darkness that is slowly darkening what remains of hope.
I fear by the time he gets his own head sorted out it'll be to late and I'll have extracted myself from the situation so far I can't come back. I found myself the other day not thinking of him at all and when I did it didn't have the feel of a boyfriend.
And what an absurd notion at 35 - having a boyfriend is for high schoolers - I'm just not marriage material I guess, to damaged, to much baggage. Who knows, his reasons go "no one keeps their vows these days" - thank you for the vote of confidence - and then he back pedals to "not that you wouldn't" I suppose that means he won't because it isn't supposed to be about anyone but the 2 of us.
Oh and to this I am sure I would hear "You think to much." Better than not thinking at all!!!
It's been 2 1/2 months since we had any kind of intimacy, but I have to give credit he's got 1 point on the "I love you" column to my none today but we're kiss for kiss at the moment and as for cuddling I'm one up. Suppose there's something wrong with my having a score board but that's the point right now - I have to!!!
He is happy I can see it on his face, eyes alight with a (singular) moment of normalcy and completely oblivious to my loneliness. I'm screaming on the inside while he rips the very soul from my body and he doesn't have a clue.
It's what he's calling "bullshit" and what I know to be my feelings. I have them I voice them or cry and it's "bullshit". So now I hide how I feel, I don't tell him a thing and cry in the darkness that is slowly darkening what remains of hope.
I fear by the time he gets his own head sorted out it'll be to late and I'll have extracted myself from the situation so far I can't come back. I found myself the other day not thinking of him at all and when I did it didn't have the feel of a boyfriend.
And what an absurd notion at 35 - having a boyfriend is for high schoolers - I'm just not marriage material I guess, to damaged, to much baggage. Who knows, his reasons go "no one keeps their vows these days" - thank you for the vote of confidence - and then he back pedals to "not that you wouldn't" I suppose that means he won't because it isn't supposed to be about anyone but the 2 of us.
Oh and to this I am sure I would hear "You think to much." Better than not thinking at all!!!
It's been 2 1/2 months since we had any kind of intimacy, but I have to give credit he's got 1 point on the "I love you" column to my none today but we're kiss for kiss at the moment and as for cuddling I'm one up. Suppose there's something wrong with my having a score board but that's the point right now - I have to!!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Lost
I had everything I ever wanted. The man of my dreams walked righted out of those lonely nights right into my arms. He loved me and I him. We were happy the envy of all who knew us.
And I let my own insecurities infiltrate my heart because I didn't believe I deserved him, didn't believe I could ever be good enough.
Now my whole world is a nightmare. I'm surrounded by the memories of what we once had, it rips me in two. He's still here, says he still loves me, still wants me but I can feel time slipping away with every pulse.
Nothing feels real. For brief moments it almost feels normal and then I am left with what I have wrought. I'm so lost. I don't know how to get that magic back. I can't fix it. I wish I could.
And I let my own insecurities infiltrate my heart because I didn't believe I deserved him, didn't believe I could ever be good enough.
Now my whole world is a nightmare. I'm surrounded by the memories of what we once had, it rips me in two. He's still here, says he still loves me, still wants me but I can feel time slipping away with every pulse.
Nothing feels real. For brief moments it almost feels normal and then I am left with what I have wrought. I'm so lost. I don't know how to get that magic back. I can't fix it. I wish I could.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Problems Adnosium
The good news is the pathology report on the Ovarian Cyst they removed along with the NORMAL fallopian tube is negative for Cancer.
The bad news is the Endometriosis has left extensive scarring causing my bowel to attach to the back of my uterus. The Doctor saw it in her finite wisdom to close me up and wait instead of consulting Dash (with my signed authorization for medical decisions) with the probability that they may have to do a full hysterectomy in the future if said scarring should prove problematic.
Not only that but she couldn't have cut a straight line if her (or mine for that matter) life depended on it. Fortunately half of the scar will be hidden behind hair as she decided to do a vertical incision instead of a bikini line cut.
The staples were removed on Sept. 2nd and Steri-strips placed over it. By the 12th they had fallen off and the morning of the 13th I was covered in puss so off to the ER we go. The top suture had become abscessed and gotten a minor infection, easily rectified with antibiotics only to have that area decide to over-heal which warranted a trip to her office on the 22nd whereupon she slathered it in sulfur and stated that my over-achieving body should see signs of shrinkage in that area. Seriously this thing looked like a 3rd nipple.
How the hell am I supposed to be even remotely attractive with a "J" carved in my pelvic region and a 3rd nipple poking out?
But here we are 4 weeks after surgery and I have been pain free for 5 days now.
Congruent to the above there is another pickle. My employers were supposed to have filed the Medical Report + Leave of Absence forms to the powers that be in order to produce a Record of Employment thereby enabling me to apply for Employment Insurance (55% of your net income over the last 6 months). This was misdirected by the Manager while the Area Manager was on vaction for 2 weeks and is still not here.
The financial hardship this has caused created a situation where I was forced to choose between groceries or electricity bill, borrow against my next paycheck and overextend my overdraft protection. I am not supposed to be returning to work for another 2 weeks but have no other choice than to return to work - as well as seek a second job in order to repay what they FUCKED up!
And to add icing to the cake from hell - without getting into details because I simply cannot relive that story one more fucking time - Dash and I have had some problems, it was a near thing but we've decided to move past it and work on it.
This latter is why I am writing today. While he is good at suppressing conflict and moving past it I try to fix it. The problem itself has been resolved but has left some troubling effects in it's wake. The approach I have chosen is one of positivity as Dash has a tendency towards his astrological sign to withdraw into his crab shell when injured. Besides the fact there are only so many times I can say the same thing before we decide to give up <- more me than him ~ more him than me -> or it is simply considered bitching.
Before I begin with the whoa-is-me bullshit I would like to acknowledge the fact that he has made efforts, HUGE ones most probably from his point-of-view and while they are appreciated it is NOT nearly enough to satisfy. It also needs stated that I understand his work stress, insomnia, back pain and money related issues play an enormous part in this.
Having said that I still cannot reconcile what I know with what I feel.
Be fair warned I have decided that I MUST say the things I feel even if only to empty space if I don't release the negativity we will surely fail. Unable to communicate these feelings to him I have no choice (since he is deeply aggrieved by the idea of me telling anyone else our personal business - thus the lack of detail - sorry) but to place my heart here.
Actions speak louder than words!
I long for you to pause a moment, hug me, look into my eyes and caress my face.
Translation: I am beautiful and you want to bask in the sunlight of my presence.
While it was wonderful that you came to check on me because I was crying it would have been better when you asked what was wrong and I said it didn't matter if you had sat down beside me held me in your arms and just let me cry into the strength of your embrace instead of walking away.
Translation: You are here for me even when you don't know what's wrong and you love me even when I'm an emotional basket case.
When I give you a compliment even though you think I am insane or completely wrong you deflect by returning the favor.
Translation: You're honored that though you don't agree that you deserve such praise that I think such wonderful things about you and I am one of the best things that has happened to you.
Kiss me Good morning and Goodnight.
Translation: I am precious to you. You want me to be the first thing you see/touch when you wake up and before you go to sleep at night.
In the heart on the tongue!
Say it first, say it loud, say it proud - "I love you!"
Translation: You mean it! You feel it! You're not just parroting it back to me out of habit.
One word answers need not apply. When asked a question please elaborate don't' answer a question with a question. Responses should include - the facts of the matter, how it makes you feel, and your opinion.
Translation: One word answers give the impression that you are being bothered by my need to converse, question for question = evasive and I don't want to guess what you feel - I don't know or I wouldn't ask.
If I do something you like, say thank you or acknowledge the behavior positively. I.E. Tell me I look nice (even if you think I did it for some other reason than you.)
Translation: You noticed me!
I want to know that you miss me, I want to feel wanted and I need your affection, attention and love!
The bad news is the Endometriosis has left extensive scarring causing my bowel to attach to the back of my uterus. The Doctor saw it in her finite wisdom to close me up and wait instead of consulting Dash (with my signed authorization for medical decisions) with the probability that they may have to do a full hysterectomy in the future if said scarring should prove problematic.
Not only that but she couldn't have cut a straight line if her (or mine for that matter) life depended on it. Fortunately half of the scar will be hidden behind hair as she decided to do a vertical incision instead of a bikini line cut.
The staples were removed on Sept. 2nd and Steri-strips placed over it. By the 12th they had fallen off and the morning of the 13th I was covered in puss so off to the ER we go. The top suture had become abscessed and gotten a minor infection, easily rectified with antibiotics only to have that area decide to over-heal which warranted a trip to her office on the 22nd whereupon she slathered it in sulfur and stated that my over-achieving body should see signs of shrinkage in that area. Seriously this thing looked like a 3rd nipple.
How the hell am I supposed to be even remotely attractive with a "J" carved in my pelvic region and a 3rd nipple poking out?
But here we are 4 weeks after surgery and I have been pain free for 5 days now.
Congruent to the above there is another pickle. My employers were supposed to have filed the Medical Report + Leave of Absence forms to the powers that be in order to produce a Record of Employment thereby enabling me to apply for Employment Insurance (55% of your net income over the last 6 months). This was misdirected by the Manager while the Area Manager was on vaction for 2 weeks and is still not here.
The financial hardship this has caused created a situation where I was forced to choose between groceries or electricity bill, borrow against my next paycheck and overextend my overdraft protection. I am not supposed to be returning to work for another 2 weeks but have no other choice than to return to work - as well as seek a second job in order to repay what they FUCKED up!
And to add icing to the cake from hell - without getting into details because I simply cannot relive that story one more fucking time - Dash and I have had some problems, it was a near thing but we've decided to move past it and work on it.
This latter is why I am writing today. While he is good at suppressing conflict and moving past it I try to fix it. The problem itself has been resolved but has left some troubling effects in it's wake. The approach I have chosen is one of positivity as Dash has a tendency towards his astrological sign to withdraw into his crab shell when injured. Besides the fact there are only so many times I can say the same thing before we decide to give up <- more me than him ~ more him than me -> or it is simply considered bitching.
Before I begin with the whoa-is-me bullshit I would like to acknowledge the fact that he has made efforts, HUGE ones most probably from his point-of-view and while they are appreciated it is NOT nearly enough to satisfy. It also needs stated that I understand his work stress, insomnia, back pain and money related issues play an enormous part in this.
Having said that I still cannot reconcile what I know with what I feel.
Be fair warned I have decided that I MUST say the things I feel even if only to empty space if I don't release the negativity we will surely fail. Unable to communicate these feelings to him I have no choice (since he is deeply aggrieved by the idea of me telling anyone else our personal business - thus the lack of detail - sorry) but to place my heart here.
Actions speak louder than words!
I long for you to pause a moment, hug me, look into my eyes and caress my face.
Translation: I am beautiful and you want to bask in the sunlight of my presence.
While it was wonderful that you came to check on me because I was crying it would have been better when you asked what was wrong and I said it didn't matter if you had sat down beside me held me in your arms and just let me cry into the strength of your embrace instead of walking away.
Translation: You are here for me even when you don't know what's wrong and you love me even when I'm an emotional basket case.
When I give you a compliment even though you think I am insane or completely wrong you deflect by returning the favor.
Translation: You're honored that though you don't agree that you deserve such praise that I think such wonderful things about you and I am one of the best things that has happened to you.
Kiss me Good morning and Goodnight.
Translation: I am precious to you. You want me to be the first thing you see/touch when you wake up and before you go to sleep at night.
In the heart on the tongue!
Say it first, say it loud, say it proud - "I love you!"
Translation: You mean it! You feel it! You're not just parroting it back to me out of habit.
One word answers need not apply. When asked a question please elaborate don't' answer a question with a question. Responses should include - the facts of the matter, how it makes you feel, and your opinion.
Translation: One word answers give the impression that you are being bothered by my need to converse, question for question = evasive and I don't want to guess what you feel - I don't know or I wouldn't ask.
If I do something you like, say thank you or acknowledge the behavior positively. I.E. Tell me I look nice (even if you think I did it for some other reason than you.)
Translation: You noticed me!
I want to know that you miss me, I want to feel wanted and I need your affection, attention and love!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
35 Days to Go
Long overdue update. Sorry it's taken so long for those of you who have been worried about me, but there was/is a huge emotional war raging inside me but we'll get to that.
June 24th the Doc says I have Hematosalpinx : Collection of blood in a fallopian tube. It is affecting my right tube and is 13 x 8 cm positioned across my abdomen all the way to my left fallopian tube. Because it is so large I do not qualify for the vaginal or laproscopic procedures and am headed for a bilateral salpingectomy - that is the removal of both tubes. The surgery is August 27th and will take 6 weeks to heal as she will be doing a bikini line cut through my abdominal muscles.
She will not be removing the uterus because there is nothing wrong with it and wants to take both tubes to prevent the possibility that in a year the other tube will have the same problem. As for the part of this little visit that was detrimental to me emotionally. She said my ovaries were producing normal levels of hormones, that it would not be worth taking them out and forcing menopause so early and that the mood swings were being caused by something else.
To this point Dash and I were able to deal with the wild swings and myriad feelings that were/are without pattern and cause because we believed I could not control it. I had even started taking a pill that was supposed to balance my estrogen levels and promote the production of progesterone. To which I actually had believed to that point was helping me.
Dash and I had had previous discussions about the effectiveness of placebo treatments and both agreed that the mind is a considerably powerful instrument and that even a placebo was worth while if it accomplished something positive. He asked me after the appointment if I was going to continue taking them and I said I was, and did right up to the point where I ran out of them and had no money to replace them. As I found out a week later they aren't a placebo I had a real doozy of a mood on Monday and started taking them again that night.
Both of us were a little thunderstruck about the idea that I was just "being a bitch all on my own". He said this as a JOKE on our way out of the building and I took it for that from him but on the drive home I couldn't get over the inescapble truth of it. There isn't enough sorry in the world for how I'd acted to him or to the Ladybug.
I have spent the last month in emotional turmoil. I knew I needed to update but I also know I only relay facts, when it gets to the truth about my emotions I refuse to tell because I fear what will be thought by others. I'm deathly afraid someone will come along someday and tell me I am clinically fucked up. My mom and half brothers are bi-polar and it scares the hell out of me to think I might have psychological problems.
My first initial reaction before the last Doctor visit consisted of me trying to figure out why Dash would stay with me if we could not have sex and why he would put up with my moodiness.
Dash's only reply to this was that he loves me. When asked what he loves, he says "You being you." I hate this because it is non-specific but Dash seems to think it's a more than ample response. I also realize that I haven't been me for sometime now and am making positive changes as we go. Maybe 7 years down the road of true love I still don't understand it. It may well be that it is never the less true, love is more than enough to hold him here.
I began to examine why I thought he would/should leave and it came down to this ~ when people get married they vow to stay together through the good times and the bad, sickness and health. He in my mind had not signed up for this. I was/am a burden that he should not have to bear. Who in their right mind gets into a relationship looking for hardships?
My friend told me that she thought I placed to much emphasis on the sexual component of romantic relationships, that the reason people get into them is for the bond, the trust, the comfort. I'll add that I think it's also for support and emotional security.
Another friend told me that he thought we had just reached this point in our relationship where we are so comfortable and know each other so well that there isn't much to say and that the silence in long-term relationships is not resentment but contentment.
At one point Dash admitted that he felt kind of like he was failing me because he was unable to compensate for my loss of income when I most needed the support and that there are only 2 things about me he really doesn't like. The moodiness (and that only the last 3 months) the other was my weight (he loves me as I am but wishes I felt better about my outward appearance).
Somewhere in all of this I began looking for the worst in him and of course I found what I wanted to find. None of it true. And becuase I will believe what I want to believe he began to withdraw.
I'm also going to assume that he is more concerned about my well being then he allows me to know. It comes off as unemotional but I think he's trying to bear more of the burden than he should and I am doing the same and the stress creates this distance between us neither of us is willing to bridge for the sake of hurting the other. What cooks the noodle is that it becomes concentric in so much as that we end up hurting each other anyway.
I wish with my whole being that I could simply except what it is and stop the constant questioning of my own worth to him. He loves me. That's more than enough. That's all there is there isn't anymore.
June 24th the Doc says I have Hematosalpinx : Collection of blood in a fallopian tube. It is affecting my right tube and is 13 x 8 cm positioned across my abdomen all the way to my left fallopian tube. Because it is so large I do not qualify for the vaginal or laproscopic procedures and am headed for a bilateral salpingectomy - that is the removal of both tubes. The surgery is August 27th and will take 6 weeks to heal as she will be doing a bikini line cut through my abdominal muscles.
She will not be removing the uterus because there is nothing wrong with it and wants to take both tubes to prevent the possibility that in a year the other tube will have the same problem. As for the part of this little visit that was detrimental to me emotionally. She said my ovaries were producing normal levels of hormones, that it would not be worth taking them out and forcing menopause so early and that the mood swings were being caused by something else.
To this point Dash and I were able to deal with the wild swings and myriad feelings that were/are without pattern and cause because we believed I could not control it. I had even started taking a pill that was supposed to balance my estrogen levels and promote the production of progesterone. To which I actually had believed to that point was helping me.
Dash and I had had previous discussions about the effectiveness of placebo treatments and both agreed that the mind is a considerably powerful instrument and that even a placebo was worth while if it accomplished something positive. He asked me after the appointment if I was going to continue taking them and I said I was, and did right up to the point where I ran out of them and had no money to replace them. As I found out a week later they aren't a placebo I had a real doozy of a mood on Monday and started taking them again that night.
Both of us were a little thunderstruck about the idea that I was just "being a bitch all on my own". He said this as a JOKE on our way out of the building and I took it for that from him but on the drive home I couldn't get over the inescapble truth of it. There isn't enough sorry in the world for how I'd acted to him or to the Ladybug.
I have spent the last month in emotional turmoil. I knew I needed to update but I also know I only relay facts, when it gets to the truth about my emotions I refuse to tell because I fear what will be thought by others. I'm deathly afraid someone will come along someday and tell me I am clinically fucked up. My mom and half brothers are bi-polar and it scares the hell out of me to think I might have psychological problems.
My first initial reaction before the last Doctor visit consisted of me trying to figure out why Dash would stay with me if we could not have sex and why he would put up with my moodiness.
Dash's only reply to this was that he loves me. When asked what he loves, he says "You being you." I hate this because it is non-specific but Dash seems to think it's a more than ample response. I also realize that I haven't been me for sometime now and am making positive changes as we go. Maybe 7 years down the road of true love I still don't understand it. It may well be that it is never the less true, love is more than enough to hold him here.
I began to examine why I thought he would/should leave and it came down to this ~ when people get married they vow to stay together through the good times and the bad, sickness and health. He in my mind had not signed up for this. I was/am a burden that he should not have to bear. Who in their right mind gets into a relationship looking for hardships?
My friend told me that she thought I placed to much emphasis on the sexual component of romantic relationships, that the reason people get into them is for the bond, the trust, the comfort. I'll add that I think it's also for support and emotional security.
Another friend told me that he thought we had just reached this point in our relationship where we are so comfortable and know each other so well that there isn't much to say and that the silence in long-term relationships is not resentment but contentment.
At one point Dash admitted that he felt kind of like he was failing me because he was unable to compensate for my loss of income when I most needed the support and that there are only 2 things about me he really doesn't like. The moodiness (and that only the last 3 months) the other was my weight (he loves me as I am but wishes I felt better about my outward appearance).
Somewhere in all of this I began looking for the worst in him and of course I found what I wanted to find. None of it true. And becuase I will believe what I want to believe he began to withdraw.
I'm also going to assume that he is more concerned about my well being then he allows me to know. It comes off as unemotional but I think he's trying to bear more of the burden than he should and I am doing the same and the stress creates this distance between us neither of us is willing to bridge for the sake of hurting the other. What cooks the noodle is that it becomes concentric in so much as that we end up hurting each other anyway.
I wish with my whole being that I could simply except what it is and stop the constant questioning of my own worth to him. He loves me. That's more than enough. That's all there is there isn't anymore.
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