Sense of Home

Saturday the 1st Dash called from his bi-monthly weekend visit north to tell me the Army has called and he is to be sworn in on the 19th followed by a departure date of the 24th.

There are alot of emotions here, they have no cohesion so I'm not at all certain how to organize them. I am elated that he will finally be doing something he really wants to do. The potential for promotion, recognition and pay raises is going to be better. Better pay means that we can finally address some of our financial issues and start replacing old worn out things around the house. The time and space between us will create a fondness and more for us to talk about instead of the complacency which we seem to have settled into.

Unfortunately the negative was all I could see on Sunday the 2nd. I was worried about the fact that Dash has decided to give only 1 week notice (his last day is tomorrow) and this messes with the budget. Further still he will be picking up Mishka for a week long visit for the two of them to do some things together here in Toronto (which is something they have never really got to do before - this is AMAZING) but poorly timed budget wise. The timing of his departure causes logistical problems for the June banking stuff so I have to postpone my Reunion trip (not so bad as I've decided to go for the fourth of July don't get to do that very often and I am American).

I can see the positives now but on Sunday I was crying into my Rum. Sort of lost it, I don't want to lose him, either to time, space or the ever present death (which I know when it happens no matter where it happens I can not stop it or control it - but HELLO widow here). Then I spent Monday and Tuesday stressing because I had tried to tell my concerns to Dash who simply smiled and said "RELAX". He is relieved and I understand he has been under work related stress for a little more than 2 years, it must really be liberating. I truly am happy for him.

And then there are the things I haven't said - I love my store and my co-workers (most of them) they have become like a family to me (even when we don't get along or like each other it's just as dysfunctional), they have been with me through so much more than any place I've ever been whenever I think of transferring to another store or getting another job elsewhere I just break down and cry. I will miss them all SO SO much! We have history and when I look back across it, mostly it's filled with laughter and joy and each individual with their unique characteristics pulls at every single heart string.

Besides moving the Bug right before she enters her 1st year of high school. I remember what it was like for me as a Navy brat to move every 6 months and I always said when she hit high school wherever we were we would not move until she graduated (yeah well - best laid plans and all that silliness).

I know what Dash would say if I told him about the last 2 - "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it" (not before) and I know he's right but it makes me slightly nervous.

I'm also not looking forward to the long lonely nights with no one to hold me. I had a weird dream about 2 bothers last night - 1 very charismatic , attention whore, beautiful beyond words and the other quiet, talented and in his shadow. In the dream I choose the shy one to love and the other berates and belittles me for ignoring him. I don't even let this phase me and come to find that the shy one can touch places in my soul never moved so delicately before. I find peace even while the other tries desperately to make me feel small.

I've come to the conclusion in a weird twisted way that I am accepting what may come with contentment and no screaming me-me of an inner child is going to be allowed to make me feel small or insecure. I awoke with a silence of heart I haven't had in a very long time. Maybe it's because this journey although traveled before is familiar to me and therefore comforting - almost like going home. Even if home was never a very nice place, it's still something I understand.

Of course last nights work events may have had a part to play in it. Two of the family were dismissed and it hurt to know they were leaving, especially in this economy. All I could think was all my little musings about what was going on with Dash and I were insignificant, I mean we are moving into a better situation and 2 of my co-workers were losing their jobs. Simply put it really could be worse and my troubles (all emotional overreactions) mattered not next to what their change brought them.

So here's to embracing the change instead of fighting the inevitable!