Dash was right about a great many things over the course of our not quite 8 years and yet missed the boat as often as he was right. I’ve come to accept that it wasn’t really either of our faults. Not his fault because his heart wanted what his heart wanted and to his credit he tried albeit in vain to give me what I thought I wanted – but you know that old adage be careful what you wish for; well it’s true.
So if you take something away from this here’s what it means to me: Those little annoyingly endearing qualities that we all find in the person we love shouldn’t be locked down because we don’t like them, but silently endured with a quite smile and the knowledge that the underlying reason for anothers actions whether we like the action or not for whatever reason is really quite sweet.
As an example I’ll tell you both sides of 1 stupidly simple gentleness I ruined, at the beginning what it meant to me and again at the end.
He liked to open my door for me.
In the beginning I hemmed and hawed and sighed through it because it made me feel like a spoiled, pampered woman. Now mind you the woman’s equality thing is not the soap box upon which I then (nor is it now) stood but more of the Miss Independent – “ I don’t need a man to do things for me” viewpoint. I then proceeded after a few months of this to tell him I didn’t like it whereupon he did the honorable thing and stopped. Many (for the most part) happy years down the road when I was counting (mostly) only my losses it was among the things listed as “he never does this anymore” and I knew then that it was my fault alone because I’d asked him to stop and he’d obliged, I wonder now how much it cost him to stop and for everyone of those little niceties how many pieces of his heart died trying to please me.
For my part in all this it wasn’t my fault either because I didn’t really know what I needed and this leads me to the top 3 things I thought I loved about Dash.
1. He accepted me for who I am and allowed me the room to be me and grow beneath the sunshine of acceptance.
That would be fairytale #1. Maybe we both knew it from jump street maybe we didn’t. Neither of us did this for the other. He always had a problem with my weight and it created one of my major issues with him – our lack of sex life. He wanted a centerfold, I wanted a porn star.
2. He was patient and supportive.
Patient as a Saint I tell you and not his fault that I felt the need to push it to its limits because I wanted to see if I could break him – mission accomplished. Supportive maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t but if he was it was a quietly reserved thing I wish he had done more vocally like a cheering squad and I only have myself to blame for needing his approval, my own opinion of myself should have been enough. I tried to push him toward his dreams as well but I never had much patience.
3. This is actually more about me – I loved him before I ever saw a picture of him – for his mind and soul.
It would seem every time I move on from a relationship I spend a goodly deal of my time looking back on it and wondering if I ever really loved him or vice-versa. I have known since I was 16 that I have a tendency to love the mere idea of being in love, and creating castles on clouds convincing myself of magic fairytales. Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t but when the shock wore off I found myself lovingly putting away the good memories unable to erase those from reality as I am so want to do.
I really wish I could hate him but I simply can’t because the fact of the matter is I didn’t know what I needed and so therefore how in the universe could he have given it to me.
The list of what I needed is simplistic and without the experience that was Dash I would have never seen the forest for the tress because I know damn well in my pain I sought beyond my walls for a truth I had been too afraid to see before. Every single experience brings me closer to that enlightenment I seek and that truth is the answer to one simple question “What is love?”
Turns out for this moment in time (I have a smug smile on my face but I can’t tell you why yet we haven’t made it that far into the present here in the past of 20/20 hindsight) I need 3 little things:
1. Acceptance
2. Understanding
And much to my surprise . . .
3. Freedom
. . . perhaps a little more truth than I can handle and a mirror that calls me on my bullshit. So here’s to the end of a fairytale and the beginning of a spiritual journey on another plane of existence.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Next
Dash broke up with me on the 19th. I'm not ready to talk about it yet because I'm not sure how I feel. It's alot of maybes and if onlys right now and looking back at what now seems obvious.
Don't worry about me the first day was the hardest, by the second day the tears were about loneliness not him. I'm sort of surprised by the speed of my recovery.
Anyway another day when I am certain of how I feel, might be a month from now it might be 6 who knows.
Don't worry about me the first day was the hardest, by the second day the tears were about loneliness not him. I'm sort of surprised by the speed of my recovery.
Anyway another day when I am certain of how I feel, might be a month from now it might be 6 who knows.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Conquering Worry
I've been reading a lot of self help books lately trying to find something, anything to help what seemed an insurmountable task. I mean once you allow your self-esteem and sense of security to slip - either by your own doing or that of anothers actions - it felt near to impossible to get away from that wrong thinking and back to reality.
Doubt is like weeds, once in your system it plants roots and gets tangled into everything. If you've ever tried to rid your lawn of dandelions you know exactly what I mean.
Even knowing that I was the one convincing myself that he couldn't possibly love me anymore and why, that I was trying to control a future outcome that most certainly was not in his character, I just couldn't pull my head out of my own ass.
I tried everything, counting my good points and cursing him if he couldn't see them. Trying to change to be what I THOUGHT he wanted. Anger. Yelling. Crying and even not talking or trying my damnest to think nothing at all, all to no avail.
Then it hit me. IF any of the things I am so worried about ever actually happen, then he is not the man of my dreams because he won't be anything I believed him to be. Fact of the matter is IF he ever did those things I would be better off with someone else because they matter that much to me. I will not settle for less or short change myself from having the love I deserve.
I wrote up a list of the qualities of that dream man and surprisingly I discovered 2 things - first none of my criteria have anything to do with one's outward appearance and second the things Dash failed to meet have only been recently and have been as a direct result of my own behavior.
I am a better person than I have been acting like and it's time for me to stop carrying on as spoiled 2 year old who isn't getting her way. This will take care of itself - if only through kismet. I believe in karma and I don't need to look for his mistakes, they will reveal themselves and time will tell on him IF need be.
Worst case scenario he's a loathsome dog with no morals, character or integrity and that would make me a nobler creature. So my values and the fact that I am of high caliber fire power would and do mean the world to me.
It is only that which I am capable of accomplishing that matters in the end.
Doubt is like weeds, once in your system it plants roots and gets tangled into everything. If you've ever tried to rid your lawn of dandelions you know exactly what I mean.
Even knowing that I was the one convincing myself that he couldn't possibly love me anymore and why, that I was trying to control a future outcome that most certainly was not in his character, I just couldn't pull my head out of my own ass.
I tried everything, counting my good points and cursing him if he couldn't see them. Trying to change to be what I THOUGHT he wanted. Anger. Yelling. Crying and even not talking or trying my damnest to think nothing at all, all to no avail.
Then it hit me. IF any of the things I am so worried about ever actually happen, then he is not the man of my dreams because he won't be anything I believed him to be. Fact of the matter is IF he ever did those things I would be better off with someone else because they matter that much to me. I will not settle for less or short change myself from having the love I deserve.
I wrote up a list of the qualities of that dream man and surprisingly I discovered 2 things - first none of my criteria have anything to do with one's outward appearance and second the things Dash failed to meet have only been recently and have been as a direct result of my own behavior.
I am a better person than I have been acting like and it's time for me to stop carrying on as spoiled 2 year old who isn't getting her way. This will take care of itself - if only through kismet. I believe in karma and I don't need to look for his mistakes, they will reveal themselves and time will tell on him IF need be.
Worst case scenario he's a loathsome dog with no morals, character or integrity and that would make me a nobler creature. So my values and the fact that I am of high caliber fire power would and do mean the world to me.
It is only that which I am capable of accomplishing that matters in the end.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Hemingway Post
I didn't even give him the chance to make me wrong.
I'm tired of giving him opportunities.
I'm tired of waiting for the inevitable disappointment.
It shouldn't be like this. No matter what rationalities he tells himself make this okay, right or justified.
I asked for the one thing he COULDN'T give and it's killing me that he can't/won't.
It's really the only thing I CAN'T live with.
I CAN get past the lies, the hot chatting, his need to be friends with single females or women who find him attractive I can't live with asexuality.
"Write drunk, edit sober." ~Hemingway (courtesy of Roxane on Twitter)
EDIT: This post was made while drunk and is a pure emotionally driven reaction to an imagined slight that only occurred in my mind. What I did the following morning was more proactive. Which was to express what I valued and why, followed by a small discussion about insecurities created by rejection. There was no crying, no yelling, no nagging. Dash even commented that the way I am handling and responding to things lately has much improved and was making me more attractive to him.
The results of my ability to manage myself lately are clearly apparent when he seeks me out now to kiss me and thank me or say he loves me first. It needs noted that this management is not superficial on my part - it does take effort (sometimes ALOT) but Dash actually told me about a couple of things he might previously have withheld and I didn't lose my cool or even set my stomach to roiling (okay one took 8 minutes and a smoke to master). It takes time but I'm going to see these as successes because they really are.
I'm tired of giving him opportunities.
I'm tired of waiting for the inevitable disappointment.
It shouldn't be like this. No matter what rationalities he tells himself make this okay, right or justified.
I asked for the one thing he COULDN'T give and it's killing me that he can't/won't.
It's really the only thing I CAN'T live with.
I CAN get past the lies, the hot chatting, his need to be friends with single females or women who find him attractive I can't live with asexuality.
"Write drunk, edit sober." ~Hemingway (courtesy of Roxane on Twitter)
EDIT: This post was made while drunk and is a pure emotionally driven reaction to an imagined slight that only occurred in my mind. What I did the following morning was more proactive. Which was to express what I valued and why, followed by a small discussion about insecurities created by rejection. There was no crying, no yelling, no nagging. Dash even commented that the way I am handling and responding to things lately has much improved and was making me more attractive to him.
The results of my ability to manage myself lately are clearly apparent when he seeks me out now to kiss me and thank me or say he loves me first. It needs noted that this management is not superficial on my part - it does take effort (sometimes ALOT) but Dash actually told me about a couple of things he might previously have withheld and I didn't lose my cool or even set my stomach to roiling (okay one took 8 minutes and a smoke to master). It takes time but I'm going to see these as successes because they really are.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pain Remembered
Every time Dash has left the house since telling me he is to be sworn in I panic. My insides fill with anxiety like ants on a trash heap, swarming, squirming - busy, busy, busy making mountains out of mole hills.
My brain goes into overdrive on a seek and destroy mission, looking for that piece of intel that will seal the doom that he is leaving me not for the Army but our relationship. It would seem that every detail missed is a negative I count to back-up one more reason to distance myself.
If I can't find something to be angry about I find a way to feel nothing. It has felt that even he is doing the same to me, a defensive mechanism I thought unitl . . .
He just came into this room with his daughter Mishka, who for the last 6 years has only gotten to see her dad every other weekend for not quite 48 hours each visit. He came in here to show her that every single scrap of art or memento she has given him is kept. I suddenly felt very stupid. Very selfish.
Very stupid because in an instant what he was really feeling washed over me, (maybe I imagined it - maybe he couldn't hold that door closed because the emotion inside is to big - it really matters not if our connection has been so raw of late that neither of us can feel the other like we used to and I thought it was open enough to get this right) an emotion I knew all to well 8 years ago every single day for 3 years after my son AJ went to live with his dad.
Pain. While you are present with that perfect piece of you, who adores you as only a child can - you know as fantastic as these precious moments are that they need must end, you will have to give them back and you can't help feeling like your organs are slowly being ripped out through your nose.
You bear this with a wistful smile as they look upon you with joy because as sad as you feel you won't ruin it for them, not this minute, not this hour, not this day - not EVER! We do what we must to cherish and build these memories knowing they will give both joy and immense pain later because we wouldn't trade an ocean of tears to not have those experiences with you.
It isn't me he is blocking out, he isn't running away from me or leaving me. He is building damns to hold back the flood gates of the next 30 - 90 day period where he may or may not be able to see her. This isn't about me.
. . . and guilty because I am being (all be it MOSTLY silently inside my head) selfish by counting trivialities and drawing conspiracies in my own mind. None of which matter in comparison to that pain. I remember it like a cloak of death as Ron Weasley would say "like I'd never be cheerful again".
I'm so sorry I didn't see it before and so relieved I saw it before I said or did something stupid.
My brain goes into overdrive on a seek and destroy mission, looking for that piece of intel that will seal the doom that he is leaving me not for the Army but our relationship. It would seem that every detail missed is a negative I count to back-up one more reason to distance myself.
If I can't find something to be angry about I find a way to feel nothing. It has felt that even he is doing the same to me, a defensive mechanism I thought unitl . . .
He just came into this room with his daughter Mishka, who for the last 6 years has only gotten to see her dad every other weekend for not quite 48 hours each visit. He came in here to show her that every single scrap of art or memento she has given him is kept. I suddenly felt very stupid. Very selfish.
Very stupid because in an instant what he was really feeling washed over me, (maybe I imagined it - maybe he couldn't hold that door closed because the emotion inside is to big - it really matters not if our connection has been so raw of late that neither of us can feel the other like we used to and I thought it was open enough to get this right) an emotion I knew all to well 8 years ago every single day for 3 years after my son AJ went to live with his dad.
Pain. While you are present with that perfect piece of you, who adores you as only a child can - you know as fantastic as these precious moments are that they need must end, you will have to give them back and you can't help feeling like your organs are slowly being ripped out through your nose.
You bear this with a wistful smile as they look upon you with joy because as sad as you feel you won't ruin it for them, not this minute, not this hour, not this day - not EVER! We do what we must to cherish and build these memories knowing they will give both joy and immense pain later because we wouldn't trade an ocean of tears to not have those experiences with you.
It isn't me he is blocking out, he isn't running away from me or leaving me. He is building damns to hold back the flood gates of the next 30 - 90 day period where he may or may not be able to see her. This isn't about me.
. . . and guilty because I am being (all be it MOSTLY silently inside my head) selfish by counting trivialities and drawing conspiracies in my own mind. None of which matter in comparison to that pain. I remember it like a cloak of death as Ron Weasley would say "like I'd never be cheerful again".
I'm so sorry I didn't see it before and so relieved I saw it before I said or did something stupid.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Miracle of Snow
I asked for a miracle you gave me snow. Snow because it reminds me of my favorite time of year - Christmas. Christmas because it is the one time of year I am free to give to the depths that my soul longs for daily and no one seems to mind. I give freely with no regard for return, for the sheer joy of the smiles it creates.
You want me to remember the best thing about me is that I give freely of myself and that is when I am most fulfilled.
I have also noticed an influx of mild and manageable chaos at work. Lexar, accidentally thinking someone else is opening and the 2 of us buckling down and getting that 45 minute job done in 15 minutes flat. Essi calling in because she sprained her ankle causing me to open and close the store with a 5.5 hour break in the middle. I felt peaceful and centered.
Chaos is what I know. Chaos is what I am good at. I did not ruffle but experienced a calm serenity. I was made for pressure situations and bear up well under the necessity to tighten down the ship.
This is who I am and silly as it may sound I forgot that. Thank you for answering the plea and allowing me to see my strengths once more.
You want me to remember the best thing about me is that I give freely of myself and that is when I am most fulfilled.
I have also noticed an influx of mild and manageable chaos at work. Lexar, accidentally thinking someone else is opening and the 2 of us buckling down and getting that 45 minute job done in 15 minutes flat. Essi calling in because she sprained her ankle causing me to open and close the store with a 5.5 hour break in the middle. I felt peaceful and centered.
Chaos is what I know. Chaos is what I am good at. I did not ruffle but experienced a calm serenity. I was made for pressure situations and bear up well under the necessity to tighten down the ship.
This is who I am and silly as it may sound I forgot that. Thank you for answering the plea and allowing me to see my strengths once more.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Idears (Thats IDEAS with an accent)
This - - > Taking out he Trash < - - is a great idea!
I spent the morning organizing photos from 2003 - 2005 and it is undeniable the love we share. I may have lost sight of it for a while and I may have damaged it, but this kind of love isn't the kind of thing that EVER goes away - I'm so sorry I forgot!
Also good golly, but I can see how Dash said what he said about my weight being an issue. Looking at those pictures of me then and knowing how I look now I went "Gross". I have every intention of getting an after picture and photoshopping those two pics together and posting them for no other reason then I NEED to see this kind of thing to keep me motivated.
Thems the spurs that will get me to do the unbelievable, once he goes to basic I am clamping down and going to attempt to lose 15 lbs. in 30 days. That goal might be a tad unrealistic but it's what I'd really like to accomplish before he sees me again.
I spent the morning organizing photos from 2003 - 2005 and it is undeniable the love we share. I may have lost sight of it for a while and I may have damaged it, but this kind of love isn't the kind of thing that EVER goes away - I'm so sorry I forgot!
Also good golly, but I can see how Dash said what he said about my weight being an issue. Looking at those pictures of me then and knowing how I look now I went "Gross". I have every intention of getting an after picture and photoshopping those two pics together and posting them for no other reason then I NEED to see this kind of thing to keep me motivated.
Thems the spurs that will get me to do the unbelievable, once he goes to basic I am clamping down and going to attempt to lose 15 lbs. in 30 days. That goal might be a tad unrealistic but it's what I'd really like to accomplish before he sees me again.
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