Willowcreek

Retrospect

2010-09-09T02:31:00.004-04:00

Dash was right about a great many things over the course of our not quite 8 years and yet missed the boat as often as he was right. I’ve come to accept that it wasn’t really either of our faults. Not his fault because his heart wanted what his heart wanted and to his credit he tried albeit in vain to give me what I thought I wanted – but you know that old adage be careful what you wish for;

2010-05-23T11:20:00.002-04:00

Dash broke up with me on the 19th. I'm not ready to talk about it yet because I'm not sure how I feel. It's alot of maybes and if onlys right now and looking back at what now seems obvious.Don't worry about me the first day was the hardest, by the second day the tears were about loneliness not him. I'm sort of surprised by the speed of my recovery.Anyway another day when I am certain of how I

Conquering Worry

2010-05-15T12:26:00.003-04:00

I've been reading a lot of self help books lately trying to find something, anything to help what seemed an insurmountable task. I mean once you allow your self-esteem and sense of security to slip - either by your own doing or that of anothers actions - it felt near to impossible to get away from that wrong thinking and back to reality.Doubt is like weeds, once in your system it plants roots

Hemingway Post

2010-05-13T22:36:00.006-04:00

I didn't even give him the chance to make me wrong.I'm tired of giving him opportunities.I'm tired of waiting for the inevitable disappointment.It shouldn't be like this. No matter what rationalities he tells himself make this okay, right or justified.I asked for the one thing he COULDN'T give and it's killing me that he can't/won't.It's really the only thing I CAN'T live with.I CAN get past the

Pain Remembered

2010-05-11T14:26:00.003-04:00

Every time Dash has left the house since telling me he is to be sworn in I panic. My insides fill with anxiety like ants on a trash heap, swarming, squirming - busy, busy, busy making mountains out of mole hills.My brain goes into overdrive on a seek and destroy mission, looking for that piece of intel that will seal the doom that he is leaving me not for the Army but our relationship. It would

Miracle of Snow

2010-05-08T14:18:00.003-04:00

I asked for a miracle you gave me snow. Snow because it reminds me of my favorite time of year - Christmas. Christmas because it is the one time of year I am free to give to the depths that my soul longs for daily and no one seems to mind. I give freely with no regard for return, for the sheer joy of the smiles it creates.You want me to remember the best thing about me is that I give freely

Idears (Thats IDEAS with an accent)

2010-05-07T15:45:00.002-04:00

This - - > Taking out he Trash < - - is a great idea!I spent the morning organizing photos from 2003 - 2005 and it is undeniable the love we share. I may have lost sight of it for a while and I may have damaged it, but this kind of love isn't the kind of thing that EVER goes away - I'm so sorry I forgot!Also good golly, but I can see how Dash said what he said about my weight being an issue.

Sense of Home

2010-05-06T11:46:00.006-04:00

Saturday the 1st Dash called from his bi-monthly weekend visit north to tell me the Army has called and he is to be sworn in on the 19th followed by a departure date of the 24th.There are alot of emotions here, they have no cohesion so I'm not at all certain how to organize them. I am elated that he will finally be doing something he really wants to do. The potential for promotion, recognition

Merry-Go-Round isn't so Merry

2010-04-29T10:59:00.004-04:00

I have been angry since Monday over something stupid.Dash posted his good fortune on Facebook before he told me about it and in the comments his sister thanks him for the phone call (not sure if this is sarcastic or not or even when he placed that call if he did at all) and I'm hurt that I wasn't the first person he told.I understand he was excited and wanted to share and there really is no good

The Why . . .

2010-04-28T12:18:00.002-04:00

On Monday Dash came home practically bursting at the seems, the recruiting office had called to tell him he was scheduled for basic on September 13th but wondered if he would be interested in deploying for May 24th should a position become available. At first I was elated - his dream finally coming true - the much anticipated alone time I thought I needed to screw my head on right - better

30 Seconds to Mars

2010-04-23T10:53:00.007-04:00

When I heard the boys were coming to town I emphatically knew I must go to this concert. Usually concerts are not one of the things on my priority list of things to do. I can download/buy anything I want to listen to and often do, as music is a huge part of my life. Besides I get very tired of listening to the same old songs played over and over and over again on the radio so ~ I need must

Silence Isn't Golden

2010-04-22T10:43:00.004-04:00

While I have been awful this last year and my actions have created hard feelings for Dash, I know that I have a lot to make up for and even more to prove and because of all this I have not fostered a want in him to be close, it is none the less hard for me.I am also aware for the majority of my life I have placed to much importance on sex as a conduit to express love. This truth however does not

Try Success

2010-04-16T12:51:00.005-04:00

Over the last year there has been a world of emotional shit that I have refused to deal with in here and perhaps internally as well. I now find it necessary to re-evaluate myself. This is an imperative step in my growth as a person. Before I told myself I was not recording these things because I simply could not go through with the character assassination - either Dash's or mine, but I need to

Overview

2010-04-04T15:25:00.000-04:00

I spent the majority of last year in emotional hell brought on by medical trauma. Woman's dirty little secret of the girly bits actually centers around the feelings of inadaqucy and for me especially brought to the forefront nothing I had ever expeienced before - self doubt.I actually didn't recognize myself. The things I thought, how I felt or my reactions to any given thing. A year later I

Drunken Clarity

2009-12-31T21:42:00.002-05:00

What you have taken for granted can just as easily be revoked as that which you demand. Beware your self righteousness. I have been tolerant, even submissive. You are the fortunate one. I am absolutely a catch. Trusting, honest, admiring but your worthiness flags at every negative proclamation.I am sexy, intoxicating, exciting, spontaneous and you're a passive, procrastinating ass that I

Bad Bad Brain

2009-11-15T15:29:00.002-05:00

I'm having a bad day inside my head.It started with me wondering what exactly he's said to his family about our "problems". He claims only to have told his parents that we are having some but with no details. Now mind you his mom and sister have never really liked me. The mother because I would not agree with everything she said and I'm not Polish. The sister because for the first 2 years she

And Then . . .

2009-11-14T12:28:00.004-05:00

I've tried 3 times to start this post and I simply don't know where to begin and I'm sort of afraid if I type it I'll jinx it so let's start with the worst move to the sad and I'll try to get us around to the better.The worst is I'm still sexually deprived.Here's the sad . . .A week or so ago Farjef (co-worker) and I had been kidding around at work about my being deprived and now that he was

No Hope

2009-11-06T14:11:00.003-05:00

I haven't told him I loved him in 5 days. He said it on Wednesday but I honestly don't think he even notices I haven't. There were no kisses or hugs yesterday either which I am sure he attributes to his being sick and my not wanting to catch it.After last night I'm not even sure I do love him anymore. I have been making efforts to make positive changes in my attitude, exercise, diet and job.

Rejection Hell

2009-11-03T11:17:00.004-05:00

Aug. 6th was the last time Dash and I have been intimate. Granted we weren’t supposed to be having relations due to my medical issues then but 6 weeks after surgery was Oct. 7th. I further allow that by Oct 7th our relationship problems were only just coming back from the land of “way out of control”. I also realize timing for my monthly visit and his subsequent illness kept us both from

Father Kelly

2009-11-02T20:57:00.005-05:00

I dreamed of Father Kelly last night. His kiss was sweet as honeysuckle nectar, his breath was consuming. The two of us wrapped under the midnight stars as he worshiped my very essence.I'm going to hell because I want him just as much in reality!

2009-10-23T23:20:00.003-04:00

There has come a point in each day for the last 5 that I could not look upon the shambles and emptiness that is our lives and smile. I have become my father hiding in the whiskey, crying alone in a dark corner music playing to mask the sound.He is happy I can see it on his face, eyes alight with a (singular) moment of normalcy and completely oblivious to my loneliness. I'm screaming on the

2009-10-23T12:46:00.000-04:00

No "I Love You"s yesterday.

2009-10-21T15:33:00.002-04:00

You are the only man I have ever truly loved and while I might do it poorly it is never the less true.

Lost

2009-10-04T00:54:00.004-04:00

I had everything I ever wanted. The man of my dreams walked righted out of those lonely nights right into my arms. He loved me and I him. We were happy the envy of all who knew us.And I let my own insecurities infiltrate my heart because I didn't believe I deserved him, didn't believe I could ever be good enough.Now my whole world is a nightmare. I'm surrounded by the memories of what we once

Problems Adnosium

2009-09-25T12:40:00.003-04:00

The good news is the pathology report on the Ovarian Cyst they removed along with the NORMAL fallopian tube is negative for Cancer.The bad news is the Endometriosis has left extensive scarring causing my bowel to attach to the back of my uterus. The Doctor saw it in her finite wisdom to close me up and wait instead of consulting Dash (with my signed authorization for medical decisions) with the

35 Days to Go

2009-07-23T12:58:00.002-04:00

Long overdue update. Sorry it's taken so long for those of you who have been worried about me, but there was/is a huge emotional war raging inside me but we'll get to that.June 24th the Doc says I have Hematosalpinx : Collection of blood in a fallopian tube. It is affecting my right tube and is 13 x 8 cm positioned across my abdomen all the way to my left fallopian tube. Because it is so large

Fibroids

2009-06-23T13:25:00.003-04:00

In August 2007 I had an episode at work. Having never had a heart attack I can only imagine what it feels like but this was something akin to that I think.It started out as profound sweating, escalated to full on dizziness with pronounced abdominal pain. I was shaking so hard I could not stand and by 5 a.m. I had my boyfriend rush me to the ER. Most of my adult life I would not go to any

Gynecologists and the Negative Ninny

2009-06-22T14:16:00.018-04:00

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Please be advised due to my current medical condition Doctors have informed me that I'm incapable of coping skills and prone to Hormonal Challenges (HC) - that's moodiness hijacked by ninjas on hormone deficient cognitive reasoning. Please take all things with a pinch of salt. Know I do NOT mean anything said as an attack simply an explanation. I want/need your

Pardon My Patients

2009-06-22T01:01:00.016-04:00

FAIR WARNING: Post IS 4 fucking pages long in Word!So okay if you have been around long enough you know that I am fairly inconsistent with my entries and that when something major is going on with me I return to blogging. The simple truth of the matter is when I come back it is because I am tired of inflicting my whoas on my loved ones but still require room to think and share. My personality

Blubell

2009-06-15T14:39:00.005-04:00

So we're on our way back from the Doctor's office and I'm doing these calculations ~ round-trip cab cost $24 x 20 days to heal = $480 - $ 875 (6 month average monthly income) = $ 395 and all I get for over half of my paycheck is irritation 'cause cabbies can't drive.MADNESS I tell ya!!!About that time Dash is driving past a used car lot we have talked about stopping into and I look over at him

Much Ado

2009-01-13T10:25:00.005-05:00

My last post was 4 days before I took a header off my bicycle (no I wasn't wearing a helmet).I may not have mentioned that I had been riding my bike or walking to work (during inclimate weather - read fucking BLIZZARDS) since I got the job back in November of '07. Mind you that work is only 4.5 km (2.75 miles) from home and took 20 minutes by bike on days without snow drifts.Snow drifts = evil

Summer Shimmy

2008-09-04T10:54:00.004-04:00

WOW! Long time no update.Let's start at the vacation that wasn't... ...or was it?Week 1 ~ Trek southerly to the States and do the Summer Shimmy Shake. Which amounts to details left to last minute (in some cases the last 90 minutes) on who~picking~up~who~where~when? Followed by the Rhomba of go here and see so~and~so and go there and do such~and~such. I felt

Dramatize Me

2008-05-20T13:20:00.003-04:00

I tried to quit smoking again made it 2 weeks before I wanted to tear my own head off because I was a raging bitch. My chemistry simply will not allow me to be smoke free, I am a demon possessed and I don't like who I become. You can sit there in your far away judgment and sigh shaking your head all the while thinking this is just an excuse but I think those near and dear to me would disagree

Not Dead Yet

2008-05-04T11:36:00.004-04:00

Okie-dokey then. Well first I'll say the psycho thing is attributed to 2 things. I had quit smoking which lead me to nit pick every damn thing so I started smoking again, gonna try to quit again in about 2 days....sigh. And two, my SAD was severe this year due to the weather. The transition at RCI was difficult and the dust still hasn't settled thus my lack of update. Still have the

WDF? ! ? !

2008-02-13T14:22:00.002-05:00

I do not have the slightest fucking clue what is wrong with me. For the last week I have been down right psycho. I am suspicious, paranoid and moody. There is absolutely NO reason for these feelings. I can't sleep, I can't focus and now I'm sitting here bloody well crying for not a flip of a reason....and before you ask NO i have not been tokin' any damn wacky weed!On the inside I'm screaming

Ghosts of my Past

2008-02-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

I've decided to transfer over my posts from the old Blog I used to haunt because I'd like to consolidate my web lives and be rid of certain bookmarks. It may take me a while to transfer every bit of 2 years (minus a few stupid posts of no consequence what-so-ever) so please be patient with me and feel free to peruse at your leisure. Enjoy!Wow, I am really starting to notice while editing how

Corporate Restructure

2008-02-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

About a month ago I may or may not have mentioned that the company I work for would be restructuring come March. This will now become effective on February 13th. A few directives have come down the pipe line. Our retail outlet spans across 4 medias in one store, their first order of business was to separate 3 of the more technically diverse areas from the one entertainment specific one (the one

Silent as Death

2008-02-05T00:45:00.000-05:00

The pallor of gloom that sits upon our household, unseen, and yet barely even felt that is the thin veil of Dash's deliberate denial and avoidance of EVERYONE he told about this. Even though to anyone else he looks fine, smiles from time to time and even cracks jokes I can still feel him across the ocean that is OUR disappointment. He doesn't say anything. As a matter of course he is even

Not Quite Anything...

2008-02-02T11:55:00.000-05:00

So Thursday morning was Dash's interview. It was to be the interview of a lifetime. The catapult to fulfilling his lifelong dream and the first corner in the foundation of all our hopes and dreams begun. You know I don't even want to write it. If I do then it's real and I haven't the heart just now to summon the magical words that will make your heart sink. The words that will express my

This Time

2008-01-30T23:57:00.000-05:00

Lilith's little experiments with Dashs' libido were fruitful. 2 to 1 I win. At least we know he's capable. So now the snot that is my dark half is sniveling this at me out of my subconscious.This Time Lyrics3 Doors DownUnsure of yourselfyou stand divided now.Which road will lead you thereLast time you fell and you hit hardYour wounds have healed by nowBut you still see your scars yeahBut it’s

A Moment Like This

2008-01-29T12:04:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a single moment in your life where joy is so prevalent you could exist in that one instance the rest of your life?A gentle haze of fog swirls about ankle high, the only other movement is the little creek that meanders along the cobbled road, whispering it's laughter as it goes. Reminiscent of a little London the cobblestones curve out of sight round a pub. The imperfect glass

Heavy Sigh

2008-01-28T14:01:00.001-05:00

I'm a different kind of sad today. The kind of sad you are when you're upset with yourself. The kind of sad where you sit around demoralizing oneself and eating things you aught have, especially when the sin that passed your lips is part of the reason you are in this damnable situation in the first friggin' place. (Can you hear my accent when I type? No, just me then!)So when I was working

Killing me Softly

2008-01-27T14:52:00.000-05:00

Heat. The kind that radiates from one point and the mere imagining of such a moment warms. Slow.Slow, like she whispers my dreams to me from across the room. So vivid an image that I am there.Now that's writing!

Twitterpated

2008-01-26T13:33:00.000-05:00

Oh but for all the witchin' in the world I am taken heart and soul by that man. He doesn't even have to be around to flutter~my~bies (that's butterflies in the stomach in case you don't speak Valanease). Today I went to get a towel out of the linen closet and pictured that fine form of his there fixing the door. A crooked little half smile crossed my lips and my eyes drooped to that sultry

Bittersweet

2008-01-25T14:09:00.000-05:00

You know I find it almost ironic to have a boyfriend who once in a great while (as is natural and not at all meant as a slight to me) wonders why I can't look like those girls in a centerfold and yet back in the day when I was trying to lose weight (before the very physical barn job) wasn't entirely on the diet train with me, now has my full backing. No pun intended, nor perverse innuendo.Don't

Subliminal Messages

2008-01-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

Lilith has spoken!Heaven's Coming DownThe Tea PartyWith nothing to lose you'd waste away.Obscure, in exile.They've witnessed the timesyou've gone astraywhose fault? Now you're thinking...There's nothing to prove,a message from the crowdto the shore...and it feels nowjust like heaven's coming down.Your soul shakes freeas its conscience hits the ground.So strange are the ways,they all have

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

2008-01-23T23:11:00.000-05:00

I am SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder). I used to think people claiming to suffer from this condition were full of it, then I moved to Canada. My first winter here was 6 solid months of stir crazy solitary and gloominess. The last 2 years winter sort of skimmed us here in the north and I knew I was going to be towing a line this year when it snowed in November. I'm beginning to think there is

M - o - o - n Spells Weird

2008-01-22T11:38:00.000-05:00

Career updates go like this, at 6 weeks I closed for the first time and basically left the door unlocked. I got off with a warning. My newest manager ORB has been mentoring me towards the 2k raise but last week we decided to slow down because I was suffocating under the pressure I put upon my self. The reviews due to the restructuring have been completed and the interviews have commenced, I have

Dough, a dear dilemma...

2007-12-13T00:20:00.001-05:00

Fa, a long long way to go...Well I left you on the cusp of Dash and I making up. Even though he and I have agreed that we would endeavor to communicate much more better (yes I meant to type it like that) where the Bug is concerned, that not only should the rules be upheld with a fair amount of consistency as well as her good deeds being rewarded and positively reinforced, and that we shall hold

The Old Ballgame

2007-11-10T08:56:00.000-05:00

Turns out Dash has been holding a few to many irritations on one particular situation for far to long. You see the Ladybug (daughter) and I come as a package and given the fact that for the majority of her life I have been the sole consistency in her life she defers to me for every decision. It had been this way for the first 7 years of her life, enter Dash. Add 2 years before he or I want him

Something's amiss...

2007-11-09T07:06:00.000-05:00

Ever since Dash picked me up from work last night he has been more quiet than usual. When asked how his day at work was he says "The Usual." When asked if I have made him mad, irritated, frustrated or anything else negative he says "No more than usual." This morning when kissing me goodbye on his way out to work I asked him if he was better and he said "We'll see." This is really bothering me

Dash Sees Red

2007-11-07T08:34:00.000-05:00

So Monday being my first day and all, I have tapped that part of Dash's heart that swells with pride. I deeply adore that he is supportive, patient and always standing there to catch me when I fall or pat me on the back when I succeed but sometimes it's the weirdest feeling in the world. His brown eyes dance with a flame of awe, this happens to be my favorite of all the looks he can give me,

New Chapter

2007-11-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

Originally I began my first blog at Diaryland in November of 2004, it was titled "Control Group" at the time I was attempting to write a novel ~ which to this day has not been finished but often nags at my memory like a neglected child ~ there were moments when I would lose the direction of the story and feel like I just didn't understand human nature. So I began the blog as a way to get

Sick and Tired

2006-12-07T10:02:00.001-05:00

Friday December 1st went to the bank, lounged in the PJ’s had a touch of the sniffle’s but went to Ann’s so she could straighten my hair. It looked really nice but I’m not sure I want it to be permanent. Then we were off to met up with P for our girls’ night out. I’ve never been out with the girls as the primping, preening and gossip just aren’t my thing but Ann and P don’t really do much

Watch Out Here I Come

2006-11-30T23:24:00.002-05:00

I believe we left off with my going to an interview last Friday. Interview is a relative term since it was for a temp agency (A-HR). Which is basically a meet, greet and test kind of thing. They want to know how well you will interview and find out what marketable skills you have that best suit the needs of their clients. I was greatly surprised by the results of my tests.The Tests given

Baby, roll those dice!

2006-11-22T10:22:00.002-05:00

I haven’t fallen off the face of the planet but things have been extremely busy around here. Besides working which pretty much leaves me mentally drained with no desire to sit in front of the damnable machine there has been Christmas shopping and now Dash and I are toying with the idea of moving North again.Over the weekend I had some horrible stomach thing that had me in agony at both ends

No! No! No! YES!

2006-11-14T09:06:00.002-05:00

Last week wasn’t really anything worth writing home about, so of course I didn’t. I was supposed to have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off but because I was sick those three days I decided to volunteer for a Saturday shift. Which in and of itself wasn’t a bad thing ( I still have 18 hours to make up) until the little Indian girl next to me pissed me off.In a Call Centre the rules are simple:

Strep & Snow

2006-11-02T14:43:00.002-05:00

Monday morning I attended work doped up because I had a sore throat. Nothing I took seemed to last longer than 2 hours so by the end of the day I was thinking that I had made a heroic effort at showing up instead of calling in. That night I had tried everything in my arsenal of cold medications, colds, flu, Nyquil, Buckley's (awful shit) Tylenols 1 and 3 and nothing I mean nothing would

Scheduling Shenanigans

2006-10-27T13:12:00.001-04:00

The 4 days of training hours weren’t half as bad as my hours this past week. Training ran from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. which suited my not loving mornings and got me home in time to see the family but not quite early enough to eat with them. In case you didn’t know having dinner with my man and child is a huge thing for me. At one point Dash’s work schedule was so bad he was seeing his other

Inbound

2006-10-23T11:11:00.002-04:00

Okay so it works out that my big 2 month secret doesn’t need to be a secret that long. That Friday (which by now is a week ago) I half-assed sent out 3 resumes because our Christmas was in jeopardy of being non-existent. An hour later I received a phone call for an interview the following Monday. Monday morning I awoke Bug for school and headed off for the shower (this is something I

Jinx Me Not

2006-10-15T22:22:00.002-04:00

Ah! Is the weekend really almost over? I’m happy and sad about that. For a couple of reason but those are later. Let us begin with…Thursday (I know not technically part of the weekend but that’s where the fun begins) – My daughter reminds me at bedtime that not only is she having a sleep over the next day but our friend Biz is visiting with his 2 kids for the weekend and us with little

Simple Really

2006-10-11T14:56:00.000-04:00

Our weekend with the in-laws to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving went very smoothly. Saturday morning Dash and I took a moment to enjoy a little delight then took the girls out to breakfast, after which Dash took his daughter Miska to a birthday play party at McDonald’s while Bug and I visited with Biz and an old friend Lisa. As dusk was settling in we went in search of the church (turned

Busy Bee

2006-10-03T14:32:00.000-04:00

It’s definitely going to be a busy week. Yesterday I washed dishes and laundry until Bug got home from school whereupon Bug and I finished moving the remainder of her belongings downstairs while Dash fixed a chip in the trucks windshield as well as cleaning out the interior of said truck. For dinner Bug cooked burritos while I washed still more dishes. After dinner Dash drilled a hole

Working Weekend

2006-10-02T16:06:00.000-04:00

The house D and I currently rent is very poorly maintained. The basement foundation is cracked and so old it crumbles in some places to the touch. The furnace is a 1985 model. The windows are probably just about as old, the chalking is non existent or cracking and most of the windows have mold around them inside and out. The roof leaks in the bathroom and the back bedroom. The sun porch

To Significant

2006-09-28T14:57:00.000-04:00

Two things of significance happened on Friday September 22nd. I know that I have mentioned that I am a widow. I know that I have mentioned that my husband was killed on duty while in the service of the US Navy. I don’t believe that I have ever gotten more detailed than that. By all accounts of those present I was told that while performing maintenance on an F-14 Fred was standing in the

Wedding Part 3 - The Reception

2006-09-26T08:23:00.000-04:00

The Reception was held at Golden Court Abalone Restaurant in Richmond Hill. Oi & Betty spent the next hour or so standing on the dance floor to allow everyone a chance to have their pictures taken with the happy couple. When our turn arrived I asked Betty, “Are you tired of smiling yet?” She said, “My face hurts and I’m afraid it’s frozen like this.” Before we gave the couple back to

Wedding Part 2 - The Ceremony

2006-09-24T18:12:00.002-04:00

I must say the beauty of a Chinese wedding is stunning. While the ceremony itself was pretty standard the emphasis I’ve learned is placed on the proposal, banquet and afterward family rituals. Out of the 4, we were only present for 2, and I was overwhelmed. So let’s start with the invitation.When I received this and opened it my immediate reaction was how much it looked like a menu. I

Wedding Part 1 - Backstory

2006-09-23T22:20:00.002-04:00

A week ago today Dash and I attended the wedding of a very close and dear friend of ours. Someone Dash has known for about 6 or 7 years. They started out working for Intercon together both with hopes of becoming Police Officers. Oi made it and Dash is still trying. I met Oi in March of 2003. It was the easiest friendship I have ever had the pleasure of slipping into. I say that, that

Circle the Buzzards

2006-09-19T16:44:00.002-04:00

I admit I have been avoiding posting for the simple reason that I hate to post anything negative about anyone but the facts of the matter are - not everyone I come in contact with is going to do nice things all the time. I admit further that this is a mistake I have made before and one I will probably make again because that’s the kind of person I am.This post shall be a furtherment of "

No Complications

2006-09-14T11:03:00.001-04:00

I don’t have a clue what’s gotten into Dash lately but I like it. For the last 3 days all the adults in this household have been fighting off some bug or other (stomach flu, laryngitis, and allergies) leaving us quite tired because our sleep has been disturbed. For D this is usually a cause for no extracurricular nighttime activities but last night, well he was agreeable.Seems the tide has

Roomie Remiss

2006-09-11T09:16:00.002-04:00

Ah, Binner our roomie has had his absolute downs since he arrived in June. Within 48 hours of his arrival Dash had arranged a job for him. After 4 days on PSL (head office) told him that there was a minor technical problem and that they needed him to not go to work until it was sorted out. He waited a week and called, they knew nothing yet. So he waited another week and still PSL was

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

2006-09-08T09:20:00.000-04:00

Dash’s boss gave him 2 tickets to the Toronto BlueJays game this past Wednesday the 6th. Let me tell you those were some seats. 15th row between home base and 1st base. They were playing against the Cleveland Indians. My being American and all I just had to root for the U.S. team. (Funny thing not a single person on the Jays is from Canada). Anyway just to illustrate how close those

I love you today because...

2006-09-05T08:13:00.000-04:00

The older I get the more I begin to understand. The more I understand the more I appreciate. As appreciation is a commodity of rarity I have decided to make it a point to extend those words of gratitude to whoever is in need of it. I loved my mother on Saturday because…As a child my mother spent most if not all of her time doing what other people wanted her to do. I spend a good chunk

Health

2006-09-01T16:06:00.000-04:00

Okay then. I haven’t fallen off the face of the planet, disappeared or rolled over and died. Although I might have been better off at one point had the latter been true. On Tuesday August 6th I went to work with major cramping in my torso and abdomen. I had taken quite a bit of medication beforehand hoping that the pain would ease. It really didn’t. On Wednesday the 7th I was feeling

Bribe Me Not

2006-08-04T09:21:00.002-04:00

So my morals and ethics are making it difficult to keep a job. With the retail store at EC it was about my having a work ethic – I need structure, discipline and rules. Now with TH my morals tell me to not bribe officers. Company policy views it as an appreciation of the service they perform (I agree) and as an incentive to keep the unsavory away by having police visible in the stores (I

~ Wonder ~

2005-01-03T15:20:00.002-05:00

I’m never going to understand,How I caught your eyeWhen there are so many more beautiful thingsThe moon rules the tideThe salty sea wind lifts the birdsSun lights your skinAnd somewhere deep withinYou bring my spirit aliveI can feel your soul miles awayEmbrace and surround meI want to share this feeling with the worldI need them to knowI can’t keep it to myselfYou have the part of me no one ever

Strike 3...

2005-01-02T16:25:00.000-05:00

...And the hits keep on coming. On Dash's way back from his visit with his daughter his car died. He thinks it's the alternator. One more thing to pay for. Amazingly I am not at all upset, normally I'd be pulling my hair out right now, but I ran the numbers and low and behold I think we can freaking pay to have the alternator and brakes fixed. Thank God for overtime paychecks with money

Happy New Year!!!

2005-01-01T00:44:00.000-05:00

Wishing You ALL A Very... HAPPY 2005!!! Didn't start out as bad as I thought it might. Dash is off to visit his daughter for the weekend. It's a 3 1/2 hour drive. He got a late start due to having to work on 1 of his mandatory 3 days off. He called 2 minutes before midnight and had me do the countdown for him while he's driving. As the ball fell I began to cry I got to spend those first new

That's Life

2004-12-31T23:55:00.000-05:00

The stress level around here started to rise around the beginning of December. I had previously spent too much money upgrading my computer from an AMD Duron 850 Mhz with 256 MB RAM to an AMD Duron 2.0 with 512 MB RAM plus installation. All this right before I had to pay the hospital bill to have Ladybug's cast removed. Those 2 things the last 2 weeks of November really killed the early x-mas

Love Case Studies ~ LCS5: Friendship

2004-12-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

Platonic/Brotherly: I'm never quite sure what to make of the friendship with Dash's best friend Bizy. I'd say we're a support structure for the other but the truth is we can both stand just fine on our own. It is however a great relief to know there is a place of ease and comfort we can turn to.I had to go away for 3 months during the summer (immigration issues). Bizy wrote to me that he

Love Case Studies ~ LCS4: Soul-mates

2004-12-29T19:37:00.000-05:00

Soul-mates: I was thinking on Bri recently (as I often do some days his mere existence resonates my whole being). It occurred to me that the absolute reason we did not manage to make a go of it is two fold. 1.) Our relationship occurred 5 short months after the death of F. I wasn’t ready to accept that I was supposed to have anything in my life that made me happy and 2.) While I’m sure we did

Love Case Studies ~ LCS3: Undying Love 2 Parental

2004-12-28T17:59:00.000-05:00

Parental: I've learned more from my daughter than I've taught her. Not because of the innocent way children usually view the world at large but because the soul that resides inside her body is very old indeed and wise. I'm certain she isn't aware she does these things but it is moving none the less. We need each other and when the chips are down leaning into each other for support is our

Love Case Studies ~ LCS3: Undying Love

2004-12-27T13:38:00.000-05:00

True Love: My first experience with true love was with my first husband F. As you may or may not recall he now sleeps with the Angels. Anyway, he was my teacher, well they all taught me something about love but he was the first one that I was consciously aware of. He tried not only to tell but also to show me what love is. He did it mostly by telling me no when I attempted to act a child. I

Inkblot Test

2004-12-26T13:30:00.000-05:00

I just don't feel like writing about love today so the Case Studies shall have to wait. I did however take Tickle's Original Inkblot Test and this was my result:Val, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace. You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to

Christmas Wishes

2004-12-25T04:46:00.000-05:00

During the hustle and bustle of this Christmas morn’, wrappers and ribbons flying past your head, I beg you stop for a single moment and look around the room at all the smiles and giggles. Memorize every nuance, mussed hair, pajamas and slippers…for I wish you to carry that happiness throughout the following year. …And for those of you who’ve not yet found that one perfect person who can make

Love Case Studies ~ LCS2: The Junior Years

2004-12-23T13:37:00.000-05:00

Puppy Love: I don't remember my elementary years. Having boys pull my hair and pick on me, but I'm certain it happened. Known all to well this stage was where you liked the opposite gender but to much effort pretended to hate them. They were different than me after all, to be sure it must have been exciting, thrilling and dreadful scary. It seemed then and sometimes now to have been a futile

Love Case Studies ~ LCS1: Mom and Dad

2004-12-20T21:47:00.000-05:00

I am currently stuck on Chapter 8 of 16 in my first attempt at a novel. Chapter 8 concerns itself primarily with answering the question What is Love? I want to try to convey with great depth something moving that will stick with my readers long after they’ve finished reading the book. To that end the following is descriptions of the influential loves I have experienced in my life and what they

Special

2004-12-15T18:39:00.000-05:00

I turned 31 on the 13th. It didn't turn out to be the day I had planned. NO. It was...much, much better!!!Dash picked Ladybug up from school for lunch so I could sleep in. Then we went and picked out our Christmas tree (a real one ~ I just love the fresh pine scent they have). Found the perfect one on our 3rd look. And got it in the tree stand on the first try, also perfect. We listened to

Entranced

2004-12-12T01:01:00.000-05:00

Let me do a brief boyfriend history, throughout High School I had approximately a boyfriend a year. No more than that unless my military father moved us to another city or another state, but usually only one major relationship a year. After High School I decided relationships fell second to learning to live alone, besides I had a very short attention span so the relationships usually only

Cohesion

2004-12-11T00:17:00.000-05:00

My daughter is my gift. We have been together thru the world's hardest moments. Together we stand united and strong against the onslaught of chaos that the world seems determined to cast at us.Losing her father when she was 4 months old banished me into a kind of hell dimension. Therefore I was isolated not only from those around me but had built up a stronghold against her.She seemed to be a

The Spirit of Christmas

2004-12-10T20:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa,I’m writing this letter to you to tell you thank you, but our family doesn’t need any gifts this year because our family already received the best gift anyone could ever give to us. It wasn’t bought with lots of money, or in hopes that they would receive anything in return, but given with absolute selflessness and unconditional love.Yesterday I received some bad news that I was in

Furries

2004-12-08T12:55:00.000-05:00

What wing-ed furries besiege the night, Howling thru the bony fingered branches of winter limbs? So dense that they darken the dusk, To enfold you in their ebony embrace. Shrieking evil joy for caressing your demons forth! Red eyed beauties on wing-ed flight, Over the city's slumbered serenity,

Balance

2004-12-08T00:26:00.000-05:00

It was midnight and I had been taping F.’s favorite show at the time Quantum Leap it was one of my favorite episodes although I can’t remember anything about it now except the pretty lady with the bright blue eyes. I don’t remember turning the TV off. I also don’t remember any sounds except that of my own blood rushing thru my ears.And then he began…’We’re sorry to inform you… (a speech I knew

3 men in Kahki and an Onbudsman's wife

2004-12-07T23:33:00.000-05:00

Let's rewind time. I've only recently learned the past is no place to be lost in, but I sort of believe the story of me began in 1994.June to be precise. I was 20 working in a dive skinhead bar. It barely paid the bills but it was an excellent playground for learning about yourself.The windows and walls were painted black. Moshe pits were always the order of the night. I saw KMFDM, 311, and

Honey Bear

2004-12-06T23:10:00.000-05:00

Back in June Dash took Ladybug and I to the Marineland in Niagra Falls (Canada side). First we took in the whale show, then the Dolphin show, where Bug got to high-5 a dolphin.Onto feed the animals first - the fish (the food was given to us in an ice cream cone ~ and I was thinking creative way to cut down on the garbage ratio), then we feed the bears (this too was dispensed in an ice cream cone

Snow

2004-12-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

This morning big fluffy white snow fell from the sky. All was quite, peaceful...serene. Geia has gone to hibernate and it seems her slumber softens the hearts of men. While crossing the grocery store parking lot I am struck by the gulls who have lingered here in what is soon to be a winter wonderland. They glide thru Jack Frost's playround buffeted by his chill breath.I sigh. The seasons

Stinks Good

2004-12-05T18:47:00.000-05:00

Dash will be walking thru the door any minute so this is my last chance to update today. Since I spent most of it reading Rose or looking for someone in my area Toronto, with like mind-ed-ness to read.Monday thru Friday I consider myself the manager of our humble abode. It is my job and my pleasure to make sure everyone is taken care of and things are provided for them. I am bound by love to

Perfect

2004-12-05T12:06:00.000-05:00

Okay it's technically tomorrow so I can post the rest of that story with Bri. Dash has said to me on more than one occasion that with some people the only thing they understand is pain...he was talking about who could cause the most pain with words...but I think it applies to this for the most part. Try as he might to be nice, but nice isn't understood so you have to yell or be a fucking asshole

Soul-mates

2004-12-04T19:05:00.000-05:00

Earlier I logged into yahoo, after reading four days worth of Rose I decided I felt way too pathetic and needed some human adult interaction. I mean I only have acquaintances here in Toronto and had begun to think the reason I’m so boring is because not only do I not have a life but no friends either, that aren’t online anyway or live 4 or more hours away. I’m a solitary critter and that seems

Rambling Rose

2004-12-03T18:12:00.000-05:00

I'm proably weird, but reading sexy letters, diary's and or explicit literature always makes me horny. I've been reading Rose's journal this past week. The things she can get men to do to her, I only wish I could get Dash. to do some of that to me. I've mentioned Rose's diary to Dash and made mention that I like reading Penthouse Letters. The next day what does he bring home from work ~